There are well over 500,000 bike thefts every year in the United Kingdom alone.
As this has become more common, people have been taking their ride’s security into their own hands, and some of the anti-theft systems they’ve come up with are absolutely absurd.
We’re talking protective dogs and phallic seating arrangements rather than stern u-locks and armoured cables…
1) The ‘Yerka’ Project
The closing frame device on the Yerka Project bike range means that it’s impossible for thieves to break your lock without also breaking the bike. It’s also trippy as hell to look at.
Buy one of these, find a nearby hiding spot, then laugh your head off as a pesky thief gets completely bamboozled while trying to steal your bike. Throw some tomatoes while you’re at it.
2) The Dog Protection System
It’s a common saying that dogs are a man’s best friend – but so are bicycles, and luckily, the dogs don’t seem too bitter about this.
Check out this four-legged friend in China. He happily guards his owner’s bike while he’s off running errands, then jumps up when his master gets back. A true love story.
Sure, a big lump of meat could probably lure this particular bike lock away from his work, but who’s got the heart to make a Golden Retriever explain that to his master.
3) The Bendable Bike
Meet the self-explanatory bendable bike. With the push of a lever, the frame flops loose and you can wrap it around anything you want.
This is pretty genius – If I was a bike thief, I wouldn’t go anywhere near this thing. We hate to think what happens if you accidentally hit the lever while you’re flying down a route though…
4) Block Bike
This project revolved around pedals that actually act as your lock – releasing from the crank and passing through a terminal in the spokes to prevent the rotation of the wheel.
The pedal is lockable by key, and impossible to unscrew, meaning that even if someone does walk away with your bike, they would never be able to unlock it without breaking the bike.
That may be of little comfort though if someone does simply carry your bike away… This seems to be an addition to a u-lock rather than a stand alone safety method.
5) The Complete Dismantle Method
Having had two bikes stolen in his past, a budding rider in the States took matters into his own, rather extreme, hands. He now locks up each part of his bike individually, with a different lock for each accessory.
Above, you’ll see some tyres bolted to a bike lock. It’s not that someone’s knicked the frame – just that the rest of the bike is parked elsewhere, around the city. Fair play to any bike thief who does manage to assemble and steal the whole ride.
6) Phallic Prevention
Last but not least, it’s very unlikely someone is going to steal your bike if you’ve got one of these contraptions in place.
Take the seat away, replace it with this, and then anyone who does want to steal your bike will have to prepare for a rather controversial and uncomfortable ride home. So simple. So effective.