Recognise any of these archetypal five-a-side pains in the ass?

1. The No-Pass Noddy

football dog

They reckon they’re a light-footed amalgamation of grace, power and speed. They reckon they can ghost past an entire team – solo – before casually lashing the ball past the keeper. We reckon, they’re wrong.

In reality, the no-pass numpty will wander aimlessly into a crowd of players, lose possession and leave your team to get picked off as they shrug nonchalantly.

2. The Braying Player-Manager

football manager

Forever compelling you to “play the easy ball" or “get goalside", this purveyor of unheeded [related_articles]

advice reckons they’re the leader on the pitch. Invariably though, they’re nowhere near the action when things go wrong. Instead you’ll find them at the other end of the field helplessly barking “for f***k’s sake lads/lasses, get tight!"

3. The Goalhanger

Having a self-styled Pippo Inzaghi figure lurking around the penalty box while the rest of you bust a gut putting out opposition fire? Yep, pretty infuriating. They’ll usually bag a few spawny goals too, just to make them even more irritating.

4. The Hollywood Ball Player

Andrea Pirlo

The deep-lying midfielder, who starts play and 'pulls the strings' with silken passing from just in front of the defence is a rather fashionable football phenomenon at the moment. Blame Andrea Pirlo, the absurdly handsome Juventus player, and undisputed master of the position.

As a result, there’s been a distinct increase in five-a-side players sauntering around in front of their own goal making 'visionary' passes... usually to the opposition.

5. The Shoot-On-Sight Merchant

Goalkeeper

Your keeper has just rolled the ball out. You play a neat one-two with a team-mate before laying it off to another, positioned on the halfway line. One of your runners has moved into a plum spot bearing down on goal...

They take a speculative hoof at goal which sails limply into the keepers’ arms

But does the player with the ball pass? Do they buggery. Instead they take a speculative hoof at goal which sails limply into the keepers’ arms. They will do this at least four times per match. They will not score.

6. The Premier League Prima Donna

fainted footballer

To the prima donna, the five-a-side court isn’t a pitch – it’s a stage. The slightest brush and they’re rolling on the floor, wailing in theatrical agony. After gingerly clambering to their feet they’ll offer imploring looks to the ref (if you’ve got one). Whatever you do, don’t offer sympathy, it’ll only encourage them.

7. The All-Of-The-Above

Believe it or not, they do exist. And you’re in for one hellish hour if you end up on a team with them!