P-20150822-00589_News

P-20150822-00589_News

The mountain biking market is a very fickle one indeed, teetering and transforming from year to year with all the unpredictability of a hipster’s haircut, often with results that are just as questionable as those notorious Shoreditch barnets.

To predict what the next “next big thing" will be in the scene, or even who’s going to come out on top in the lightning-paced world of World Cup downhill is a dangerous game. But lucky for you, we like danger. It’s what gets us up in the morning and keeps us putting full-fat butter on our toast.

Looking for a bulletproof, blow-for-blow guide to what’s going to happen in mountain biking in 2016? Well, stop where you are and look no further. We got this team. We got this.

1) Fat bike tyres aren’t quite fat enough. We predict ‘morbidly obese’ bikes in 2016

custom schwinn

custom schwinn

2) After winning races without a chain in 2015, Aaron Gwin will win without a front wheel – or just by running down the course

P-20150614-01077_News

P-20150614-01077_News

3) The Enduro craze continues to boom and progresses to the point where the downhills are no longer timed either, so you just make up a time that sounds nice at the end of the race

P-20150225-00195_News

P-20150225-00195_News

4) In a bid to make MTB more affordable, a manufacturer will reduce the cost of your dream bike to £17,000

iStock_000079551381_Small

iStock_000079551381_Small

5) Greg Minnaar surprised everyone in 2015 by surpassing Steve Peat’s winning tally. This year he'll surprise everyone again by surpassing Peaty’s beard

minnaar beard

minaar beard

6) Body armour will continue to get lighter to the point where you can just buy a new set of really tough skin instead

baby skin

baby skin

7) On the back of building the Hardline course, Dan Atherton will be employed by the devil to dig the trails of hell, so gnarly that you cannot finish them

P-20141202-00838_News

P-20141202-00838_News

8) Hardcore Strava users will be able to get the app installed directly into their genitals – so now they know they got a new KOM by the fact that they’re physically aroused, rather than the other way around

iStock_000008870652_Small

iStock_000008870652_Small

9) 29" wheels aren’t big enough. 48" penny farthing-sized wheels are going to make a comeback

Photo: Jack Clayton.

10) The BBC are going to accidentally employ Rob Warner as an Olympic commentator in Rio and receive a record number of complaints for vulgar metaphors

rob warner

rob warner

11) E-bikes are still too much work. Motorbikes on the trails will be the trend of 2016, and a new series of ‘Sons of Anarchy’ will be filmed in Fort William

sons of anarachy mtb

sons of anarachy mtb

12) Bike tech and data will advance to the point where your bike will develop a mind of its own – and constantly tell you you’re shit at riding

i_robot

i_robot

13) Everyone will fall over at World Champs in Val di Sole in September, leaving Sam Hill to sweep to victory after falling over the least

sam hill val di sole

sam hill val di sole

14) Mountain biking still isn't colourful enough. Glowing mountain bikers is the next big trend

ratboy glow bike 1

ratboy glow bike 1

15) That dude you’ve been bugging to get involved in trail building and maintenance will finally start to help out – and end up brutally destroying your local trails by accident

Get the spade out in 2018! Photo: Cal Jelley

16) You will get in deep with the loan sharks in a bid to further harbour your addiction to mountain biking, and inability to walk past a bike shop without going in

Bikes parked in a row.

17) The mainstream universe will discover Josh “Ratboy" Bryceland, and he’ll be given a primetime talk show on BBC One

grahamnorton_s12thumbnail_01_web

grahamnorton_s12thumbnail_01_web

18) Brandon Semenuk will nail a perfect run, including a quintuple-cork to no-hander, filmed in a one-shot, 12 hour video from the moment he woke up earlier that morning

semenuk

19) That mate who’s been saying “one day I’m going to book a trip to ride Whistler"... will continue to say exactly that, and make no movements to actually progress the plan

whistler whip

whistler whip

20) Your beloved 26" hardtail from 1998 will grow one year older, and the looks of confusion and bewilderment from the younger generations will grow even more scornful

Cadel-Evans-mountain-bike-685w

Cadel-Evans-mountain-bike-685w

21) On the back of her global domination in the 2015 downhill World Cup series, Rachel Atherton will go one step further and actually conquer the country of Wales

wales rachel 1

wales rachel 1

22) You will regularly confirm the fact that wearing a helmet is a wonderful idea

Photo: YouTube/Screenshot

23) In his final year, Steve Peat will shock the world by riding a World Cup race on a bike from the 90’s, winning, and setting a new record for beers consumed in one day

steve peat wc

steve peat wc

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