The big thing that’s happened this week in two-wheeled news is ‘Mountain Bikers Ride Past Couple Having Sex on the Trail’ and as the mountain biking correspondent at Mpora it’s apparently my job to take this topic under my wing and discuss it further, theorise and evaluate the all too literal ins and outs of it, and to shed some light on what happened, ask whether you secretly wish it was you having sex at the side of the trail, and explore what you should do if you ever ride past a couple having sexual intercourse.

So what should you do? Should you film them? Should you watch them? Should you ask them to get out of the way? Should you hop over them? Should you laugh? Should you, immersed in the greenery of the wild, stop for a moment to breathe it in? Should you ask them for tips on how to find love in this barren, barren wilderness?

What would you have done in their situation?

Do you wish you were them? Do you wish you were them? Do you wish you were them? DO YOU WISH YOU WERE THEM?

Is it faked?

We’ll get to all that. There’s plenty of time. Stop shouting.

For Starters

 

The Urban Dictionary defines a dogger both as “a person who jogs with their dog" and as “(British) people who like to have sex in public", as well, of course, as "people [who] meet up in car parks and watch each other having sex." Oh Britain.

Although the video in question was filmed in Ireland, and not the United Kingdom, we’re going to be working with that second definition of dogging today. Dogging is people who have sex in public. Often, in the woods.

The Urban Dictionary also includes the hashtag #lewdbehaviour in their post, which I think we can all agree is fair.

Right. Class dismissed. Let's get on with the party.

What We Know

 

We know very little about this video. We know it was filmed somewhere in Ireland. We know that there is a man wearing a questionable green polo shirt with his trousers down and very pale bum-cheeks out at the side of the trail, and that there is a second human being beneath him, whose legs we can also see. We know that they seemed rather unaffected by three people on mountain bikes, and then a delayed fourth, riding past them at the side of the trail, choosing to freeze mid-fuck and hope that they weren't noticed instead of making any attempt to hide. And we know that one of the mountain bikers has incredibly infectious laughter. We know precious little more than that.

If you want to watch the video. Here’s the video to watch the video:

What We Want to Know: Questions for the Pictured

 

  • How long had you been in the hills and was this your intention?

Did you go to the hills specifically to have sex on the side of a mountain bike trail? Had you seen a picture of the hills and thought ‘that looks like a nice place to have sex’? Do you both still live with your parents and genuinely needed somewhere to go and have sex? Or are you both married and were after a bit of privacy (we hope not)? Do you enjoy the fresh air of the great outdoors?

You don’t have any camping equipment, so you evidentally weren’t camping – unless your tent was elsewhere in which case why are you not in your tent? What inspired you to buy a polo shirt that was that shade of green? Your green polo shirt doesn’t look breathable or waterproof so it doesn’t seem you go to the outdoors often so did you just go there to have sex or was it just maybe a date that went really, really well (depending on your outlook on this video) for both of you? Probably that.

 

  • Did you start having sex on the actual mountain bike trail?

To give this appropriate context we must first remember what a mountain bike trail actually is. It is not a desirable place to have sex. It is a trail of mud, often riddled – riddled – with twigs and stones and tyre tracks and other human beings. It is not a desirable place to have sex.

A mountain bike trail is not the forbidden fruit of the sex world. People are not going home to Porn Hub at the end of the day and searching “mountain bike trail sex" because the political-correction-gone-mad lot on Twitter won’t let them fulfil these deepest fantasies in real life.

There’s every chance that if you stand in the middle of a mountain bike trail for 10 minutes, you will get mowed down. Which leads us to our clear cut theory on how this all actually started. Here it is in delicate prose:

You were walking down the mountain bike trail, you were heated, you had a lover by your side and there was naught but an oh-so-sweet birdsong in the crisp Autumn air. You were getting hot under your green collar, and the luscious lips of your lover were sparkling like a red, red rose. She wanted you. And you wouldn’t tell. But secretly you wanted her as well.

And then all of a sudden it wasn’t so secret anymore. Your lips locked, your tongues weaved into one another like two ends of a shoelace meeting and knees weak, you crumbled to the floor, first kneeling, then transitioning to floor level. Not a word was said between the two of you. Not a word was needed. Trousers were down. Hiking boots were off. Love was made. You were Romeo and Juliet. Lancelot and Guinevere. Napoleon and Josephine. Dick and Dom. And then you realised that if you had sex in the middle of the trail you’d probably get hit by a bike, so you moved a couple of metres to the right.

This theory also explains:

  • Why didn’t you at least hide behind some trees?

It was too hot. It was too now. It was so now. It was so goddamn now. "This is happening now what if I suggest we move behind the trees and we lose the moment but what if people come past and see us I’ve got no trousers on and this is a very recognisable green polo shirt and my balls are out but this is so goddamn now and maybe the polo shirt will act as camouflage and I’m sure nobody will come oh my word I can’t believe this is actually happening this is so now. Fuck the trees let’s just do it right here but a metre off the trail so bypassers can still get past come on now let’s be reasonable."

couple-having-sex-on-mountain-bike-trail-2
  • How long have you been there?

Did you start in that sexual position? No, you didn’t. We can deduct this from our initial discovery that you probably started on the mountain bike trail before moving on to the grass on your right, and on the more fact-based takeaway that obviously you’re going to be most on edge about being discovered having sex in the woods directly after you’ve just started having sex in the woods. You’re going to have your genitals out and you’ll be looking around you like there’s a pack of wild wolves nearby who want to bite them off. Which in the woods is an actual possibility.

Thus, the fact that you didn’t seem all that fussed when the mountain bikers went past suggests you were deep into the act of intercourse at the time. You were at least one or two positions down already, in full-flow. Your concentration had been taken off the potential of being discovered by onlookers and gone instead to the job at hand. We're saying you’d been there for a solid 15 minutes at least.

  • Are you still going now?

Answers on a postcard.

  • Do you wish you were them?

Only you can answer that question.

  • Is it fake?

Update: A highly unlikely turn of events has revealed that this video was actually filmed by a friend of a friend. It's not fake. It's even more hilarious. There is good in the universe after all.

Quite possibly. A photographic still of the act in question shows a distinct lack of movement from either party, with the green polo protagonist appearing to perhaps have a blow up doll.

If this is the case, it’s still funny, because it means that there’s a man out there who got his trousers down for a viral video in the woods and this is what the world has come to now. Ha! Ha! Ha! The world we live in. Just think for a moment - you inhabit the same planet - maybe even country - as either two people who don't give a fuck when they're caught shagging in the woods or one man who went to extreme lengths to make it look as though he had just been shagging in the woods, even though he hadn't.

There's also a third theory that it was in fact a guy with a blow-up doll, but that the mountain bikers had no idea who he was or what he was up to, which is possibly the most disturbing outcome of all. Low res video is of course another staple of the fake video genre though.

Is it legal though?

 

Hold your horses, champ! Before you get your dogging boots on, you should know it’s not actually legal. Obviously it’s not legal. Why would it be legal? It’s having sex in front of other people. Why would that be legal?

To be honest I wasn’t actually sure about this though. I presumed it wasn’t legal but I’d never looked into it, so with inPrivate browser loaded up so as to not have “is dogging legal?" on the browser history of my work laptop...

  • can my bosses still see my inPrivate browser searches?
  • If so does it make it more conspicuous that I’ve used inPrivate browser to search it?
  • Are my bosses going to question me on dogging?

...I had a look to find out. And of course The Sun had an article tailored on the topic for search engine optimisation.

The highlights are that while the ‘dogging’ craze first took off in Britain in 2003, it has now “spread as far afield" as the US, Canada, Australia, Scandanavia, Barbados and Brazil. And apparently Ireland. Though people were surely having sex outside all over the world before the year 2003. I'd put Giacomo Casanova down for a few Venetian gondolas at least.

There is no one “anti-dogging" law, but doggers can be punished with a multitude of offences including but not limited to indecent exposure, public lewdness (hashtag #lewdbehaviour) and gross indecency. Doggers can be prosecuted under the Sexual Offences Act of 2003, and can even be put on the sex offender’s register.

Best stick to the mountain biking side of things then.

 

Mountain Bikers Ride Past Couple Having Sex on the Trail

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