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When Xzibit used to pimp out cars on international television, he and his West Coast Customs crew would chuck in some outrageous accessories. They usually fell into three categories: a) pointless b) light up or c) stupid.

From skate rails and mixing decks popping out the 'trunk', to the 6-disc CD changer (the late 90's stereo system of choice) in the front, the cars always provided a wealth of opportunities for accessorising.

"If you want to accessorise your bike, you often need to think outside the box."

Bicycles though are a different kettle of fish. The lack of space (not to mention weight issues) means that designers are very much limited in what they can do.

No West Coast Customs pimpage here. If you want to accessorise your bike, you often need to think outside the box. Which is exactly what these guys have done, with varying degrees of success...

[part title="The Vibrating Bike Seat"]

Happy-Ride-Vibrating-Bicycle-Seat2

UPDATE: On 12 June, this accessory got us banned from Facebook! Seems Zuckerberg and co are a bit more prudish than the guys at Amazon, who are selling these...

Women cyclists around the world can now get off as they get on. We're not kidding, this actually exists!

The vibrating saddle means you can ride and subtly pleasure yourself at the same time. It's two birds with one stone, I guess. And presumably a massive incentive to get out and ride?

But expect some questionable looks if you find yourself doing a When Harry Met Sally as you cruise down your local high street.

[part title="The Uberhood"]

silver-lining

Generally my rule of thumb is that if it's raining, I drive. But for those hardy souls who aren't put off by a little rain (but want to protect their delicate mop of hair) there's the Uberhood.

This glorified umbrella comes in a gigantic variety of 4 colours, and you can even upgrade to the 'pro' version.

Love how they've pictured a girl using it on a sunny day too - I bet she wouldn't be smiling if she was cycling through driving horizontal rain in Manchester...

[part title="The Banana Holder"]

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Because you never know when you might fancy a banana on a day out, these fruit-lovers have come up with this crazy contraption to keep your banana out of harm's reach, but still close enough so you can get that potassium kick anytime you want.

It's made of real leather apparently, but that doesn't disguise the fact that it's totally and utterly bonkers!

[part title="The Roll Up Mudguard"]

musguard

This probably wins the award for most pointless accessory. Well, maybe just behind the banana holder.

This rolls up and wraps around your bike frame once you're done with riding through puddles. Though why you'd want to roll your mudguard around your crossbar, we're not sure.

It's a bit like those bracelets you had in school which could snap open and then slap round your wrist (which in hindsight were just as pointless).

musguard-4

[part title="The Headphone Protectors"]

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Finding it hard to hear your music or chat with your mates whilst riding? Slipstreamz are here to save the day.

They supposedly re-direct wind flow around your ears allowing you to hear more clearly.

Can't help thinking this is a solution to a problem that doesn't really exist...

[part title="The Bollock Protector"]

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xstemie-bike-pad.jpeg.pagespeed.ic.uVTF4Asua0

Following on from our epic nut shots feature a few days ago, this beauty caught our eye.

With the tag line 'protect what counts when you mount', this apparently stops you from catching your dangly bits on the stem of your bike.

[part title="The Bike-Mounted Speakers"]

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x150298_1_468.jpeg.pagespeed.ic.yr98GZYywV

One thing that really grinds a lot of people's gears is when kids walk around with crap dubstep blaring out of their phone.

Ringing out at a massive 80 decibels, this SleekSpeak Speaker system now means cyclist can do it as well.

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Sleekspeak-Speakers-Bluetooth-600x335

[part title="The Chain Condom"]

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The cleverly-named Chain Condom gives you maximum protection for your moving parts whenever you want to move your gear.

Again, we're not sure it's a massive problem for most people but I guess they're thinking it's better to be safe than sorry?

Don't be silly, wrap up your... chain.

[part title="The Foldable Helmet"]

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carrera-foldable-helmet_grande

We have to admit this is a pretty cool concept. Carrera have developed a foldable helmet which can be squashed to just a third of the size for easy storage.

Not sure about that purple colour though...

[part title="The Bikefast Plate"]

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xbikefast.jpeg.pagespeed.ic.dAxia8qetR

OK now we're into the realms of the seriously weird. It's a plate...on a bike. That you're supposed to eat breakfast off apparently.

How you're meant to do that while you cycle is beyond me, as is how your food, coffee and orange juice are meant to stay on it. I mean what happens when you hit cobbles?

[part title="Hovding Invisible Helmet"]

Hovding-Invisible-Helmet-Gear-Patrol

If I said to you that you can make an invisible helmet you'd probably laugh in my face.

But you'd be wrong to, as two Swedish designers have produced just that.

Like something straight out of Dexter's Lab, this innocuous looking scarf inflates in less than 0.1 seconds so you're noggin is protected if you have a crash.

Not only that, but it also carries a tiny black box which records 10 seconds of data before and during a crash, so authorities know exactly what happened.

The privilege of enjoying the wind in your hair and being safe is yours for about £360 - not actually as expensive as you might expect...