Most men seem to think that when women complain of discomfort around their velvet underground, it’s a ploy not to have sex. But we promise you, cycling just sucks for that part of the anatomy.
We know it’s not exactly fun and games for the boys either – how everything manages not to get destroyed is beyond us.
"Cycling just sucks for that part of the anatomy"
But due to the chronic lack of female cycling equipment (and the fact men would rather read about this sort of thing on the internet than ask their partners to explain), many lack true awareness of the hellish pain that even a commute can inflict.
So come with us on a journey downstairs, which we’ve attempted to keep on the funny side of gross. Mind you don’t slip on the Vaseline....
Saddles are terrible
Let’s begin with the fact that the vast array of cycling saddles are not designed for women.
Many of you will be familiar with basic saddles that come with cheap road bikes. What you might not know is that they’re designed by a sadistic demon who resides in Hell’s fourth circle.
He has a diagram of a woman’s bits on the wall which he shoots darts at. He sometimes consults it if he wants to ensure that the labia will definitely be mashed into that cheap, hard plastic.
He also has a wealth of data on the distance between a woman’s seat-bones, which he uses to make saddles a fraction too narrow. All these factors contribute to numbness, skin infections, swelling, general pain and even bruising on and around a woman’s hoo haa.
Women's gear is gross
When women attempt to minimise the discomfort caused by this succubus, they are punished for being so bold. Because the only way to make things any better, for most ladies, is to buy ‘gendered’ cycling equipment.
Some of the most popular female saddles are made by Selle Italia, who have named their models after the liberating female stereotypes of ‘Lady’ and ‘Diva’.
"THE 'SLR LADY FLOW SADDLE' SOUNDS LIKE A CYCLIST'S MOONCUP"
Then bib shorts and cycle leggings always harbour a secret, sex-specific design element – from butterfly designs, to the inner padding being neon pink.
Cycle clothing for girls can be beautiful and ladies appreciate things designed for their bodies. But if your budget only stretches to Evans, you can end up waddling around in a nappy emblazoned with daisies, wearing a jersey featuring a glitter transfer.
The wind isn't only in your hair
When you’ve finally purchased all your patronising kit, a new issue arises.
Most female saddles have a gaping hole in the middle, which is of course a fantastic idea. Until you realise that these holes are essentially wind tunnels, shooting cold gusts in the direction of your vagina consistently throughout your ride.
In the winter, this can leave your bits feeling rawer than sushi. Even the nappy shorts are not adequate enough in their protection - only becoming slowly acclimatised to the new weather conditions will make the angry dryness go away.
"IN THE WINTER, THIS CAN LEAVE YOUR BITS FEELING RAWER THAN SUSHI"
If your girlfriend has issues in the autumn, it’s best to keep quiet and offer her some moisturiser.
Just to hit the final nail in the coffin of your sex life, it turns out that female cyclists are actually much more likely to have damaged nerves down there, because frequent cycling restricts blood flow to the foof.
Raising your handlebars has been shown to help with this issue, but having less sensitivity in all the fun places is really just an occupational hazard of being a commuter or road cyclist.
So boys, now you know not to bother us when we say it’s sore, and to try even harder when it’s not. Hi-five, ladies!