140328-brazil-skateboard-protest-mn-1020_6e20ba19cfe838235d778cfe5138ff60

‘Skateboarding is not a crime!’ I hear you cry. This is true... But is it possible to get nabbed by the Old Bill for skateboarding? Abso-fucking-lutely.

You're no one until you've spent a night in a cell for casually grinding on a rail under a 'No Skateboarding' sign and hurling abuse at a police officer.

After all, real men get arrested. Real men don’t listen to their friends’ warnings when they break into an abandoned hospital.

Real men take every opportunity to display their badass-ery - spitting on the street, biting the heads off live bats, and the like. You can't really call yourself a skateboarder until you've eaten a live bat.

Here are five ways you can get yourself arrested by skateboarding. Interested? Read on…

Psych-Ward-Skating

You know that old abandoned psychiatric ward no one has stepped inside for years, surrounded by barbed wire fences, cameras and a sign with an angry dog’s face on it?

This is the perfect spot for some filming.

Smash a window. Everyone loves a good smashed window. Call your friends pussies when they won’t follow you in.

Perhaps start mooning the security camera. Those guys monitoring need some midday entertainment to stop them from falling asleep in their polystyrene cups of coffee.

trespass

Now, here’s some news for you. You know when signs say ‘Trespassers Will Be Prosecuted'? That’s actually bullshit. You can’t go to prison for trespassing.

So, why not make trespassing your new hobby? You’ve already explored the abandoned hospital. Why not take your deck on a trip to a shopping centre at night? Or a real working hospital in the daytime?

People also love it when you burst into their back garden at night and start shredding around their empty drained swimming pool.

Buckingham Palace is obviously the pinnacle of all good trespassers’ lists. It’s one of the only places in the UK where you can get arrested for trespassing, so make the most of it.

When the Secret Service are flown in whisk you and your precious board off to the clink, you know you’ve won.

skateboarding grind

Grind the shit out of everything you see. Rails, steps, curbs, street corners. Even old ladies’ walking sticks and particularly snazzy-looking parked cars.

We personally like practicing hippie jumps over shiny new Maseratis. Although for some reason, their owners aren’t too keen…

Harking back to that abandoned property, invite all your mates over for a proper underground rave. Buy a serious sound system. Blast music so loud that it makes cats howl and the windows break.

Smash doors. Start a fire. Drop in from the roof rafters. Piss in cups and throw them around the place. Skiers are well versed in these kinds of antics.

When the popo come to arrest you, make sure you are secretly filming it on your phone. Get them to say some stupid shit and you will be a YouTube sensation.

fight

This should be your mantra every time you step into the skate park.

You’ve probably watched a lot of skate park fight videos in your time.  Usually they are entirely unprovoked, so you don’t have to concoct a reason to punch that dude's lights out.

If you do feel you need a reason, make it something small and innocuous. A fellow skater cut you up? Give him a knuckle sandwich. Scooter kid gets in your way? Box his ears in. Policeman comes along? Kick him in the nuts.

No skateboarding

If you see a ‘No Skateboarding’ sign, it should be all the more reason to go skating.

The only reason that’s sign is up in the first place is because whoever is in charge knows it’s a perfectly sweet skate spot – and just wants to hog it for themselves.

Bankers, lawyers, accountants - they all like to have secret after-dark skate jams.

Alternatively, take that sign and turn it into your own skateboard like Jackass legend Dave England here.

Skate like your life depends on it and surrender to the police once they come a-knocking like the true hero that you are.