7 Ways To Afford A Ski Trip This Winter Even When You’re Flat Broke
A skier's guide to making money legally...and illegally.
Skiing can be really expensive. Sure, it's a bit less expensive than building a swimming pool on the back of your Ferrari but even if you do it budget-style you'll still have to scrimp and save to pay for all the costs. They say money can't buy you happiness. They say that money won't enrich your life. Pah! Money can buy you ski trips and ski trips can make you happy. That's a scientific fact...probably.
So how can you, the average Joe, afford to get knee deep in powder this winter? Below, for your viewing pleasure, we've listed some sensible suggestions and some less sensible suggestions on how to make your snowy dreams a reality. There's no prizes for guessing which ideas are the silly ones (although if you would like to skip the silly ones, you should maybe give numbers 4, 5, and 6 a miss).
1) Put Some Money Aside Each Month
Saving money is the Buzz Killington to spending money's naked foam party. It's boring and, more often than not, means you'll be having tinned soup and dust for lunch instead of buttery lobster in a champagne glaze. But, what you lose in the short term in terms of fun times and lobster, you'll make up for in the long term when you finally get round to shredding the slopes at a seriously pimpin' Alpine resort.
Who knows? Doing things this way, you might even unearth a previously unknown passion for accounting and Microsoft Excel. You'll calculate monthly earnings, implement austerity measures on yourself (if the government hasn't already kicked you in the face with that chunky leather boot), and realise that caviar is a luxury you can probably do without.
2) Sell Your Belongings
Buy low, sell high. That's what they always say, isn't it? Those businessmen with their suits, and their ties, and their big ideas. So why not turn yourself into Leonardo Di Caprio, go full-on Wolf Of Wall Street, and flog everything you own that isn't nailed down. Then buy yourself a nail remover, take out them nails, and sell all the stuff that is no longer nailed down.
Don't get sentimental about your dusty Sega Mega Drive in the attic. There's probably some console collector out there willing to pay you an arm and leg for the pleasure of taking it off you. Likewise, don't get weird about the skateboard you bought when you were 12. You've not been on it for ages. Whack that thing on GumTree and make a tidy buck.
Remember that every sale is taking you one step closer to the ski trip of your dreams. It's time to make some serious dough, yo'.
3) Ask Mum And Dad
Ah, yes, mum and dad. They've always got money, haven't they? They made you, they raised you, and they've got more gold than a Spandau Ballet lyric sheet (presumably). But don't just go cap in hand to their door like a Victorian pauper, especially if you've failed to return any of their phone calls in the last three months. That's not a good way to do business and, quite frankly, it makes you look like a pretty shitty son/daughter.
No. If you want to get donations from mum and dad , you need to do some groundwork first. Be exceedingly nice to them at all times, compliment mum on her new hair and compliment dad on his model train set. Casually drop into conversation how much you'd love to hit the mountains this winter but that the inflated cost of city living has made it an impossible dream. Then stick your bottom lip out like a sad puppy dog, and wipe a salty tear from your eyeball.
Maybe your parents will take pity on you and offer financial support, maybe they'll see right through your amateur dramatics and laugh you out of town; whatever happens, at least you tried.
4) Rob A Bank
Woah! Woah! Woah! Hold your horses. How did we end up here?! One minute we're selling our old DVDs out of a soggy cardboard box and asking mum and dad for money, the next we're holding up a local branch of Barclays with a banana we've cunningly disguised as a handgun.
Look, obviously this isn't the ideal solution to your financing problem and it's definitely not something we'd recommend lightly (what with it being a highly illegal activity etc etc). However, one thing we can all agree on is that banks have lots and lots of money stored within their vaults. Money that's just asking to be spent on ski passes, equipment hire, and beer.
5) Become An Erotic Dancer
Whether your name is Brian or Brianna, sometimes needs must. Heck, if you're serious about paying for your ski trip by dancing erotically for strangers you don't even really need a venue. Dig out your old CD player, steal a wooden crate and a scaffolding pole from a nearby building site, and turn the corner of your street into an open-air Stringfellows extravaganza.
Some advice you might want to bear in mind. Wear excessive amounts of spandex at all times (because spandex is the sexiest substance in the known universe). Oh, and gents, you might want to shave your beard beforehand. The perverts and the objectifiers won't hurl half as many pound coins at you if you look like a medieval wizard.
6) Print Your Own Money
Printing your own money and then tricking people into accepting it as legitimate currency might seem harmless but, like robbing a bank, it's definitely frowned upon by the law (it's illegal, and you probably shouldn't do it). That being said, imagine how awesome it would be to rock up at the travel agents and "make it rain" with your own personal currency.
You could superimpose your face on the Queen's head, make the notes glow-in-the-dark like tacky Halloween decorations, and buy anything your heart desired. There is, of course, a chance that nobody will accept your fake money. In this fairly likely scenario, go home, fill your bathtub with your 'shittings' (shit shillings) and bathe yourself like a big time millionaire.
7) Do A Season
Yes! Of course. Why didn't we think of this already?! You can literally live in the mountains, work in the mountains, and have fun in the mountains for months at a time rather than for days. Sure, you might have to do some cooking and cleaning along the way but you'll also get to go skiing pretty much everyday. What could be better than that?
Combine financially rewarding employment with the sheer pleasure of being in an environment where you can ski all the time and what are you left with? You're left with a recipe for success, that's what. Ditch the UK immediately and spend your entire winter up in the mountains. Go on. You know you want to.