1) You start with bold ambitions - you've bought a French dictionary

2) You are going to practice speaking French everyday

3) Soon it turns to every other day....

4) Then it... erm.... stops

5) You realise how useful it would be if you could converse with the locals every time you go to the supermarket

6) Or try to phone somebody

7) Or chat someone up in a bar

8) Your mum will constantly ask you how your French is getting along

9) The problem is every time you speak to someone in French, they reply in English...

10) Although you've found you're a whole lot better at speaking French when you are drunk

11) Who needs French GCSE when you've got a pint of wine and phrases learnt from 'Lady Marmalade'?

"Voulez-vous couchez avec moi, ce soir?"

12) The phrase "Parlez-vous anglais?" will become your lifeline

13) Making a friend that is fluent in French becomes paramount

14) Particularly when it comes to sorting out any issues with the gendarme...

15) By the end of the season, you'll have got by with the same three phrases - and vow to do better next year