We've Found Scientific* Evidence Showing That Snowboarders Make The Best Lovers
* It may or may not be completely scientifically accurate...
A bit bored of your other-half? Thinking of moving on to new romantic pastures? Then you need to start looking for a snowboarder (preferably while snowboarding).
Here's our cut-out-and-keep guide explaining why those that slide sideways make for optimum significant others....
Evolution dictates that we look for physical fitness in a potential other-half. A healthy partner, in theory, equals healthy offspring. That’s science, and you can’t argue with science. Dawkins will troll you if you do.
Anyway, burning around about 600 calories an hour, snowboarding is one of the best forms of exercise around. It also targets the core abdominal muscles - great for a six-pack - and the quads and glutes - ideal for a Minaj-esque bumper.
Despite being portrayed as dopey luddites in the media, snowboarders have mad book skills.
They're maths geniuses. Snowboarders can see something spinning and, without using a protractor, tell you precisely how many degrees the item has rotated through.
Snowboarders are also linguistic experts. On a daily basis, they decipher coded language, and work out what things like “That back ten China was spoicy! Notobo".
The Allies could have cracked the Enigma code eight weeks earlier, if we’d have used snowboarders.
When somebody is learning to snowboard, it takes a long time and a lot of commitment to get out of that “always falling on your arse" phase. If they’re not turning up covered in bruises, you know they’re the kind who’ll stick around.
4) High Pain Threshold
Speaking of bruises, snowboarding can be brutal on the body at times (check out these slams, if you don't believe us). But snowboarders, being the troopers that they are, take this regular beating in their stride.
So, if you’re one of those kinky sorts who likes to liven up bedroom fun with riding crops and drill bits, the snowboarder in your life will last a while before screaming their safe word.
Everybody needs somebody to look after them from time to time. Somebody to protect them. Somebody brave. There are few people braver than snowboarders*.
On a regular basis, they forgo their natural desire to avoid harm by throwing themselves of giant kickers, go flying off massive cliff drips, and risk genital-redesign by arsing about on handrails.
It’s some pretty scary stuff to mere mortals, but it’s bread and butter to a snowboarder.
*You know, excluding soldiers, fire fighters, jet pilots, paramedics, and other actual, real-life brave folk.
Timing is everything in snowboarding. When hitting jumps, taking off of too early will result in landing too short and stacking it. Springing too late and your snowboarder won't get enough air and you'll look like a bell end.
If you want a significant other who can time “popping-off" perfectly for optimum pleasure, look for a snowboarder.
Snowboarders are an easily impressed bunch. They’re as likely to go nuts at their friend doing a simple grab as they are seeing somebody backflip over a shop.
So, when you come in from a hard day at work and recite to your snowboarding other-half the terrible joke you told Rav over the water cooler, they’ll react with the kind of enthusiasm that should be reserved for a Bill Hicks comeback tour being announced.
Snowboarders long for the mountains, and usually try to feed this urge as often as possible.
Stick around, and as the weather gets cold, grey, and generally British here, you could find yourself holidaying anywhere from Niseko in Japan to Colorado in America.
They may even fork out for some board time in Australia during the summer. You'll be in Air Mile heaven.
Granted, they also spend a few weekends on a retail park in Tamworth or Milton Keynes now and again, but let's gloss over that for now. Lie back and think of Aspen!
9) Dress Sense
Snowboarders may look like they’ve just woken up and thrown on any old clothes, but trust us, that don’t-give-a-fuck-look took a lot of time and care to piece together.
They’ll never admit it, but the snowboarder in your life took a long time searching to ensure their goggle strap matches their baggy trousers.
Ah yes, the baggy trousers. Days - weeks sometimes - are spent finding the right amount of trousal-bagginess for the resort they’re heading to next.
Sartorial elegance is closely monitored on the mountains, and your snowboarder will be an expert.
Snowboarding’s pretty expensive, so chances are your potential other-half has got a few quid knocking around. Or, more realistically, mommy and daddy have – which is kind of the same thing. Kind of.