Neon Onesies, Furry Moon Boots, And Leather Gimp Suits: 25 Fashion Crimes That Should Never Make A Comeback
You don't have to be Gok Wan to know these snowboarding fashion disasters are criminal...
Snowboarders pride themselves on looking cool. Since the 1980s, it has been our duty to play the part of skiing's radder, younger brother.
From introducing the world to 'snurfing' in the 1980s to tearing up the mountain in baggy, grunge pants during the 2000s, snowboarders have long pioneered fresh trends on the mountain.
However, that's not to say we've always got it right. Just like our plank riding counterparts, we've had our fair share of fashion related cock ups. The kind you are already looking back on with horror and have the urge to burn all photographic evidence.
Just like our plank riding counterparts, we've had our fair share of fashion related cock ups
Even today, riders are guilty of bringing the more awful sartorial horrors back to life. What is it about mountain air that makes people leave all inhibitions at the airport?
In celebration of the good, bad and very, very ugly, we've collected the 25 worst snowboarder fashion crimes of all time. How many have you spotted on the mountain?
(Trust me, we've all fallen victim to some of these disasters you're about to witness...)
The Neon Onesie
Let's begin with the frontrunner for worst fashion invention ever: the onesie. These blindingly-bright monstrosities first graced the pistes in the 1980s, when everyone from Jake Burton to Prince Charles was wearing one.
Now, they are only donned by lairy Brits while dancing on the tables of La Folie Douce as an ironic nod to their badly-dressed predecessors.
All we can say is only a sadist would invent something so difficult to go to the loo in.
Winter Olympic Uniform
If history has taught us anything, it's that Winter Olympic uniforms will always be terrible.
Any situation where you are forced to combine outerwear with national flags will have a 84 per cent chance of looking like shite.
Couple this with the fact that they have to reinvent the uniforms ever four years and you've got a string of more inventive (read: awful) uniforms than the last.
I don't even want to consider what the world's riders will be wearing in 2052.
There are plenty of ways to keep your face warm. Balaclavas. Buffs. Neck warmers. Snoods. A real beard. What you don't need is a knitted one. Particularly one that resembles a woolly Gandalf sewn into a dodgy-looking beanie.
We're not sure who decided this odd manifestation was a good idea but there are riders all over North America repping these bad boys with pride.
We're all for creative expression on the pistes, but noodle hats are taking it too far. These are probably the most awful blight the mountain has seen since the neon onesie.
It's not just noodles and fake multicoloured dreads, there are animal ears too.
I understand you want to spot your child in a sea of identically wrapped up, helmeted sprogs. Just don't put a rabbit on their head – and especially not on your head.
Shaun White's Leather Outfit
Not even Russell Brand could pull off wearing leather to go snowboarding. It is simply the most unpractical material to ride in ever.
Think of that Friends episode where Ross wears leather trousers on a date. Combine that with physical exercise and you've created your own personal sweat bucket.
You also need a really good bum to pull of a pair of pants that tight. Even then, it's bordering on indecent exposure.
Why do people wear jeans to go snowboarding? You wouldn't for any other sport, so why riding? It's a complete mystery to us all.
This is the second worst snowboard pant decision ever - after leather. Denim isn't made to be worn anywhere near water. It sucks up moisture like kitchen roll and then won't dry, leaving you feeling like you're wearing an extremely heavy wet nappy for the rest of the day.
Unless you totally rip, there is no excuse.
Bond villains aside, fur has no place on the mountains. It's a first-class way to look like a pompous idiot.
You only need to take one look at the abundance of it covering the shoulders of Russian billionaires in Courcheval and Verbier to realise this. Or Kim Kardashian who appears to be wearing an oversized pomeranian, à la Cruella DeVil. It's not a good look ladies and gents.
Fake Goggle Tan
This has got to be a piss take... or is it? We know how hard seasonaires work to perfect a top notch, golden goggle tan. But would you really descend to faking it?
According to the Daily Mail (yes, we know...) women across the country are wearing goggles while getting a spray tan to achieve that overbaked goggle mark look. This is definitely up there with most ridiculous style misdemeanour so far.
Furry Moon Boot
Crocs and Uggs aside, Moon Boots are arguably the ugliest shoes ever invented.
They were inspired by the space boots Neil Armstrong wore when he landed on the moon. Add fur and you've got a truly terrible looking boot worn by snow bunnies the world over.
Fans argue they are warm but so is strapping two duvets to your feet. They're also about as grippy on ice as Bambi's hooves.
Helmets With Visors
Here he comes, riding down the slope with one of these strapped to his noggin. The 40-year-old dude who thinks he looks like da bomb because he's got a visor instead of goggles.
Not acceptable unless you are riding a motorbike or dressed up like a Transformer. Otherwise you end up looking like a lame version of Robocop.
This is definitely more commonly seen on our plank-riding brethrens than snowboarders, but not exclusively.
They are the mountain riders who think they've stepped out of a 1930s travel poster, complete with wool trousers, an Oxford don blazer and a flat cap.
Either they're looking to bring back “good ol' days" or they're trying to mimic Prince Charles. Neither makes a good look.
The Animal Onesie
Following on from our first point, the animal onesie is the modern equivalent of the neon onesie: loud, brash and definitely a crime against fashion.
These spawned out of the depths of Japan under the name Kigu. Now everywhere from Asda to Primark sell oversized animal suits.
You probably think you're pretty original wearing one over your snowboard gear. Little do you realise everyone else is doing the same thing. Trust me, I know, I've been there.
LNP or Laurent-Nicolas Paquin is a Quebecan pro snowboarder, notorious for his badass approach to rails and punky dress sense.
Think thigh-hugging, Pete Doherty-style skinny pants with a shirt he's bought off eBay. Yep, LNP doesn't dress like an ordinary sponsored snowboarder.
The combination of clashing patterns and uber-tight pantalons are a bone fide fashion error – but you've gotta give it to the guy. He can definitely pull it off.
Solar Powered Jacket
We've toiled through the fashion crimes of the past and present, but what about the future?
Take a look at this monstrosity - a jacket studded with solar-powered LED lights. It was made as part of Munich's bid for the 2018 Winter Olympics. Needless to say, the jacket was about as successful as their bid.
If anyone can explain to us the purpose of an illuminated snowboard jacket (aside from a cunning device for cross-border drug smugglers), we'd appreciate it.
Joker Face Mask
Are you trying to rob a bank? This children's face mask is both hideous and terrifying in equal measures.
I'm not sure the costume of a deceased man is exactly what parents envisaged wrapping their little darlings up for ski school in.
However, I am sure there is a whole army of pre-teen boys out there thinking this is the coolest thing ever.
Fluorescent Bum Bags
Bum bags - not only an alpine fashion disaster but one that has afflicted the entire universe since their conception in the 1980s (see a theme developing here?)
They made a come-back just a few years ago when twenty-something seasonaires realised they needed something to hold their dosh/rizlas on a night out.
Now they are found strapped to midriffs worldwide at retro parties, complete with beer cup holders and those neon elastic key chains.
Men In Suits
Suits: the hallmark of adult life, responsibility, paying bills, the humdrum 9 to 5 - everything snowboarding is historically against.
Suddenly they started appearing on the slopes, thanks to uni lads thinking it is hilarious to don their dad's pants and go riding in them.
Ear muffs should whole-heartedly be reserved for little girls with pigtails, not fully grown men.
If you're going to wear ear muffs, don't wear silly things pretending not to be ear muffs like this fella above. It just makes it worse.
I've spotted these a lot supposedly discreet contraptions on the Tube over the winter and they're creeping onto the slopes at an alarming rate. What ever happened to a good ol' fashioned beanie?!
Vogue may not agree with me on this one, but animal print is a tricky one to wear.
In small doses, it looks rad. In large, school dinner lady-sized dollops, you'll look too much like Pat Butcher from Eastenders on a board.
Avoid a rap across the knuckles from the fashion police and don't wear all these three at once. It's been known to happen, trust us.
Gaiters With Snow Pants
For those who don't know what a gaiter is (and really, only hikers do), they are fancy numbers that you strap around the bottom of trouser legs to stop them getting wet.
Apparently snow pants weren't enough in 1987. Snowboarders wore gaiters as well.
They are the sartorial equivalent of tucking your trousers into your socks. Acceptable in the Peak District but nerdy and totally unnecessary in the world of snowboarding.
If fur jackets weren't enough, fur headbands are on the rise.
They are mainly worn by public school girls dressed head-to-toe in Jack Wills and tend to be of the faux fur variety.
It only took the likes of Binki from Made in Chelsea to wear one before sales sky-rocketed and these fine furry creations were plonked on the head of every fashionista from Aspen to Courcheval.
Guy In His Boxers
The snowboarder lads of this world have a tendency to get naked now and again.
Often completely sober in the cold light of day, they dare each other to do things like take a piss halfway down a couloir or ride the home run in their boxers.
So it's not uncommon to see half-naked men hooning their way down slopes with their trousers around their ankles - or completely starkers.
AI Storm Jacket
Our friends over at Illicit Snowboarding spotted this monstrosity - the Ai Storm jacket - or as he prefers to call them "human ribbed condoms".
These jackets feature goggles embedded inside the hood with a stupid bobble fixed on top.
No, this isn't a joke.
These babies are actually sold online by an Italian company for a whopping £244. That's not even the fur or studded variety. Watch out for these horrors coming to slope near you worryingly soon.
Animal Face Mask
It's a question we've already pondered in this countdown, but why do so many people want to look like animals on the mountain? It's bizarre.
Here's another eye-opener of a balaclava - this time with different raging animals featured on the outside. So your head can look like a saber-tooth tiger. Just what you always wanted.
When Fashion Tries To Do Snowboarding
It might seem contradictory but if you're looking for the very worst fashion crimes of all, then look no further than a fashion magazine.
They are full of them - everywhere from designer photo shoots to luxury adverts. You can spot about five fashion crimes in this picture alone.
Oh the horror, the horror.