Ferris Bueller

Ferris Bueller

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Preparation is key here. In fact you should be really putting more time, effort and sweat into taking days off work than into actually working.

With forecasts now pinpointing what time a seaweed refracting sidewash will hit the second wave of a set in 12 days time, you now have more time than ever to prepare your act.

Ideally Mondays and Fridays should be avoided, with bosses having an inbuilt rash at the very idea of a false long weekend. After picking a mid-week day coinciding with a swell, you can sow the seed of your illness the days before.

"WISDOM TEETH, ULCERS AND ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOUR ANUS ARE HARDER TO PROVE THAN CLIFF RICHARD’S SEXUALITY"

Forget the staples of diarrhoea, food poisoning and flu. Aim for ailments that both tend to be recurring and have well hidden symptoms. Wisdom teeth, ulcers, anything to do with your anus and glandular fever, for example, are harder to prove than Cliff Richard’s sexuality.

On the day, always call your boss, never falling to the temptation to email or leave a voicemail message. This arouses more suspicion and only adds to the antagonism and therefore investigation.

Your ailment should also require some type of treatment - thus meaning you are not sitting at home, able to be tracked by mobile or email.

Post sickie, the final piece of the puzzle is disguising the fact you’ve been surfing all day. Head-to-toe sunscreen should be adopted and a few medical props adorned for the return to work. A medical scan, cotton wool in mouth or colostomy bag should render your alibi impenetrable.

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