Questions For The People Wearing $3,900 Designer Wet Suits That Look Like Real Suits
"Who's going to spend $3,900 on this wet suit?"
You know how it is. Surf's up at 06:30, but you've got that important business meeting in the office at 09:00. The meeting they said everyone had to attend. The one which, if you really read between the lines, clearly said "Attend this meeting, or be fired arse-end first out of a cannon." Yeah, that meeting. You want to do both, of course you do, but you're just not sure there's enough time to surf, shower, get changed, and get back to the office before the dreaded arse-end-first-cannon-firing commences.
How you going to play this one then, El Dude? What possible strategy could you implement that not only ensures you get to keep your office job but that also lets you get that all-important ocean fix? Well, if the fashion designer Thom Browne has any part to play in your approach... you can rest assured that it will involve this $3,900 wet suit at some point. I know. I know. It sounds like a lot for a wet suit, but this isn't just any old wet suit you see. It's a wet suit that doubles up as a real suit; a real suit that you could wear to that compulsory business meeting at 09:00.
But, look. We're only human. When we discover that there's a wet suit retailing at $3,900, a wet suit made to look like a normal suit, we're bound to have some questions. Questions like...
- Who's going to spend $3,900 on this wet suit?
$3,900 for a wet suit is a lot. If you don't think $3,900 for a wet suit is a lot, you've got too much dollar bro. You've got way too much dollar. You've got so much dollar, in fact, that when the time comes when the masses do finally rise up and bring the rule of the 1% to an end you can virtually guarantee that there'll be revolutionaries on your lawn; waving placards and crushing your gnome collection under the stomp of their marching boots. Sorry. Lost myself to fantasy there. But yeah, anyway, who exactly is going to spend $3,900 on a wet suit? Answer: maybe this guy above. He looks a bit Tory. Looks like he's got some moolah. Looks born into wealth. Looks like he's called Hugo. Yeah, probably this guy.
- What is the man (pictured below) looking at?
"Goodbye dignity. Goodbye integrity. It was nice while it lasted, but now I must watch you sail off into the distance like Bilbo and Frodo Baggins at the end of 'Lord of the Rings'. Perhaps our paths will cross again someday but, right now, at this moment in my life, it seems unlikely."
It's either this scenario above, or...
"If I only show the left-hand side of my face, maybe people won't recognise me as the guy who tried to look credible while wearing a $3,900 wet suit that doubles up as formal office wear."
One of the two. We'll let you decide.
- What type of sand sculpture is the dude on the right building?
They say eyes are the window to the soul. And in this case, you only need to briefly look at the eyes of the man on the left to know that the dude laying down on the right has been dicking about unproductively with the sand in front of him for well over an hour.
Just look at the man on the left's eyes. Look into them. Look deep into them, and then try telling me his patience hasn't hit rock bottom. This man went down to the beach in a $3,900 wet suit, with his adult-friend who's crap at building sand castles and is also wearing a $3,900 wet suit, but ended up taking the much longer, much more scenic, route there via Kill-Me-Now, Bring-Me-Death, My-Mate-Is-The-Worst-At-Building-Sand-Castles and I-Can't-Believe-I-Spent-$3,900-On-A-Wet-Suit.
- Does the man building the sand sculpture need some help?
In a word: yes. Man's got no bucket, no clue, and no hope.
- Does the black tie make it acceptable wear for funerals?
Our gut reaction to this question is "No. Absolutely not. There's literally no way that this could ever be considered an acceptable thing to wear to a funeral."
However, what if the dead person's dying wish was to be buried at sea? Under these conditions, and only under these conditions, we have decided that these wet suits would be an acceptable thing to wear to a funeral (but only if the dead person was absolutely minted, and left enough money in their will to cover the cost of a squad's worth of black-tie wet suits priced at $3,900 per item).
- Is the man lying down in this group shot fondling his own testicles?
We imagine that if you've got enough money in the bank to fork out $3,900 on a wet suit, you've probably got quite a lot of confidence in yourself; a bit more swagger than the average Joe, let's put it like that.
Getting a team photo done with your crew, but want to kill two birds with one stone and touch your own balls while you're at it? Mate, you've got enough money to spend $3,900 on a designer wet suit. Normal rules don't apply and you can basically do what you want, apparently.
- Was the fake handkerchief in the fake pocket absolutely necessary?
Honestly. It seems unnecessary. Like something Mark from Peep Show would rant about. But then again, flipping the argument on its head, we do think it adds to the general suit aesthetic. The world is basically completely mental now. Brexit is happening, Donald Trump is President, and people are selling wet suit-real suit hybrids for an eye-watering $3,900. With that in mind, put the tiny white rectangle wherever the fuck you want Thom Browne. We're done with humanity.
- Who spends $3,900 on a wet suit and then doesn't wear it properly?
You've spent $3,900 on a wet suit that looks like an actual suit, and then you don't even wear it properly. Now we can't speak for you guys but if we'd just chucked almost four grand at a wet suit/real suit, we'd literally never take it off. We'd wear it all the time. Even if it was 40°C on the beach, we'd keep it on. The man second from left, in the picture above, knows the score. He's got the right idea.
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