Here’s Scientific* Proof That Surfers Make The Best Lovers
*When we say 'Scientific'...
Do you spend you spare time furiously swiping left, or right, or whatever direction unlocks naked mode on Tinder? Or maybe you occasionally dip your rod into Plenty Of Fish in a bid to hook up with another sentient being?
If you’re single, or the kind of despicable person who eyes up a new other-half right before slinging the current one, then you should set your sites towards the ocean.
We’ve uncovered indisputable proof that surfers make the best lovers. Here’s why hooking up with somebody who rides the waves will get you frothing in places you never knew could.
There are, without doubt, some epic surf sports here in the UK, but let's be honest with each other for a second.
Ask anybody that’s not the holder of a British passport to list the greatest surf locations on the planet, very few are going to say Bournemouth or a Newcastle-Brown-Ale-coloured break in the North East.
If you hook up with a surfer, you can be sure that your future travel plans will include legit surfing Meccas like Bali, Australia, Hawaii, California, Brazil, South Africa, France, Mecca…
Okay, maybe not Mecca itself – we were just being silly - but let's be honest, the edited highlights of the best surf breaks in the world are all pretty much their own little slices of paradise. And you’ll be going along for the ride as their +1.
The only down side is, you might have to use your luggage allowance on something called a ‘fun board’. But you won't care when you’re in the sun, right?
If your ball-and-chain is a surfer, you won't have to worry about them bottling it when the guy with the prison tattoos kicks off during a Friday night in Wetherspoons.
Given they willingly tackle waves that would have most humans filling their speedos from the safety of the shore, surfers aren’t lacking in the bravery department.
Seriously, sometimes we wonder how they manage to surf at all, given the size of the balls and the fact they have to have to tackle waves like Pipeline, Chop-o, and Shippies. And that’s just the women! Guffaw.
From the newest surfers, to weather-beaten veterans, they’ll all tell you (often using a bunch of spiritual psycho-babble, granted) that there’s nothing quite like catching a wave.
But, by heck, they’re willing to wait for one. It’s not unusual for surfers to get up at the crack of dawn in a bid to get some good swell, and patiently wait - sometimes for hours – until that perfect set comes rolling in from the horizon.
Happily for you, they’re just the same out of their wetsuit. Your future surfing spouse isn’t going to lose their shit three seconds into failing to put a shelf up. They wont blow their top waiting seven hours on hold trying to get tickets for Glastonbury. Patience is a surfers middle name. Not literally. It’s probably Star, or Ocean, or Kia, or some shit, but you get the point.
4) Downstairs Hygiene
How can we put this delicately? Err... Surfers tend to keep their garden well attended. They keep their basement free from clutter. They don’t let fluff clog up the washing machine. Getting the picture? Pubes! We’re talking pubic hair. Or, more specifically, the lack thereof.
While not universal, in the same way that some road cyclists apparently don’t shave their legs (so we’re told) most surfers keep their downstairs at least trim, if not balder than Kojak in a Veet factory.
Why? Well the theory goes that cold water can make male surfers, err, shrivel a little downstairs, and a long mane around that area can act like an egg slicer when blood flow allows their short-board to become a long-board once again. The solution? Keeping it trim.
And the women, of course, are equally neat, although we remember enough from GCSE biology to know that it’s not because of the same potential penal pitfalls.
Bag yourself a surfer, and your days of getting lost are over, no matter where you are in the world.
This mystical in-built satnav comes from a desire not to share the waves at popular breaks with tourists, and kooks who don’t know their bottom turn from their Sheppard’s Bush. Surfers spend almost as much time scouring the country for hidden, crowd-free surf spots as they do actually surfing.
As such, they develop a mental map that means being stranded in the middle of nowhere is a thing of the past. Just don’t fall for their bullshit about the surf gods pointing you the right way.
You may have, quite incorrectly, fell for the stereotype of surfers as portrayed in the media. You know the one. The dumb, South Cali, Jeff Spicoli, stoner bum, for whom every second word is “dude".
Be assured, this is bullshit, bobbins, and bollocks. Surfers have the book smarts!
No, really. Granted, there may be a few blunt tools in the box, but on the whole, they’re a smart bunch. For a kick off, they can read the ocean like nobody else.
Just a glance at the sea, and they’ll be able to tell you about weather patterns miles away, what the marine inhabitants beneath the waves are doing, how the moon is pulling the sea away. It’s like having your own personal Met Office right next to you, and chances are they’ll have much better hair than Michael Fish.
Gone are your days of leaving the house with the wrong clobber for the weather, all thanks to your new surfing lover.
Surfers make catching waves look effortless. However, as anybody that’s ever tried getting as far as just standing on a board will confirm, it’s a real work out.
Surfing burns anything between 200 and 500 calories an hour.
As such, the chances of being disappointed the first time you see your surfing other half in the buff are lower than a musical theatre impresario attendance during a vote on working tax credits.
There’s virtually no part of the body that doesn’t get a solid work out every time you surf, so bagging a surfer virtually always means hooking up with a certified Hotty McHotterson from Bam T’ing Town, fam.
And yes, surfers are the other kind of fit. The kind of ‘fit" that people wearing clothes from Sports Direct say when they’re not terrorising grannies on shopping precincts. Good looking. Visually arresting. Aesthetically pleasing.
Call it what you will, surfers are a good looking bunch.
We can prove it. Google Image Search ‘Ugly surfers’. Go on. We’ve just tried. Even the rough ones are still irritatingly handsome devils, and drop dead gorgeous women.
We’ve already presented evidence suggesting that surfers are both brave, and physically fit, but let's not forget that they’re absolutely nails. Harder than a brick out-house.
Just take Aussie surfer Mick Fanning for example. During a World Surf League competition at Jeffreys Bay in South Africa, Fanning was attacked live on TV by a massive Great White shark.
Now, old Mick would have been forgiven for soiling his wetsuit and trying to somehow magic the toothy bastard away. But not Mick. He’s a surfer and, as such, is full on nails.
Rather than run, Fanning actually took the fight to the shark, throwing punches in bunches.
Immediately after tackling the Great White, Fanning was interviewed by the press who asked how he dealt with the living nightmare that unfolded just moments earlier. “I punched it in the back!" he confirmed with a chuckle. Solid.
Hook up with a surfer, and your own cool score will immediately increase by at lest four points. Life, it appears, is just so effortless for them, and it can’t help but rub off on you.
Granted, so will the smell of surf wax, and their dry-lank hair will no doubt soon be all over your clothes, but that doesn’t matter because… because, well, because you’re cooler now.
Coolness is like an invincibility cloak. No matter what bad shit happens, if you’re cool, everybody else will think it’s intentional, and the fashionable thing to do. Embrace it, roll with it. You’re cool now you've bagged a surfer. Certainly too cool to ever talk about invisibility cloaks.