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iStock_000002522102_Small

Picture the scene; you walk into a store to get foreign currency for that long-awaited trip of yours. You approach the counter, go through the formalities, and then the cashier looks up from behind the counter and says it. What does she say?

She says: “so... are you going somewhere nice?"

It’s perhaps the epitemy of awful small talk; a question somehow imprinted on the human brain, and by all means, if you’re a normal person, you probably just answer it and move on with your life. We do not do that.

Think the question through for a second.

Of course you’re going somewhere nice, or else you wouldn’t have booked a holiday there in the first place. Or, if alternatively you’re heading off for work or even for a family funeral, do you really want to be talking about that? And do they really want you to tell them that? What are they going to do with that information?

At best, you say yes, name your destination and both of you nod in acknowledgement, bringing you back to small talk square one. At worst, you end up waiting out the rest of your transaction in the excruciating horror of unspoken awkwardness.

We thought it was about time we exposed this question as the social plague it is – and provided you with a few alternative responses to use next time you hear it, just to make the person behind the counter think that little bit harder about asking it again.

1) “No, My Drug Dealer Only Takes Euros."

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iStock_000017864354_Medium

2) “F*ck Off, You’re Not Invited."

The blame game

The blame game

3) “I’m Going to Scatter My Dead Dog’s Ashes in Istanbul. He Loved Turkey"

SONY DSC

SONY DSC

4) “No, I’ve Booked A Holiday Somewhere Shite. What The F*ck Do You Think?"

Disappointed businessman covering face with hand against white background.

Disappointed businessman

5)  “Actually, I’m Not Going Anywhere, But I Need $5000 To Send To A Nigerian Prince Or He Won't Be Able To Get Over Here And Give Me 35% Of His Recently Rediscovered Family Treasure."

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iStock_000006676980_Small

6) “Has Anyone Ever Actually Just Said ‘No’ To That Question? I Want To Just Say ‘No’ And See What You Do." *Stares Intensely Through Glass*

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iStock_000005178641_Small

7) “That Depends On Whether You Think Canals, Drugs And Prostitution Are Nice. I Guess Canals Are."

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iStock_000012441802_Small

8) “How Did You Know I’m Going Somewhere? Have You Been Stalking Me?"

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iStock_000010313148_Small

9) “See That Couple Behind Me?"

*Point to endearing elderly couple nearby*

“They’ve Kidnapped Me And Are Taking Me To El Salvador Against My Will. I Told Them I Was Coming Over Here To Get Some Dollars But This Is My Last Chance To Escape. They’re Monsters. Please. Help Me. HELP ME."

*Bangs excessively on glass window as single tear streams down face*

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iStock_000030275628_Small

10) *Shouts*: “My Sexuality Is My Own Business!"

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iStock_000032680748_Small

11) “I’m Actually Off To Czech Republic. Czech Me Out!! Get It? Get It? DO YOU F*CKING GET MY JOKE?"

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iStock_000015372272_Small

12) “Not Really, But There’s A New Iceland Down The Road. I Typed It Into Google And It Says The Only Currency They Use There Is Icelandic Krona."

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iStock_000068307431444_Small

13) “Abandon The Plan Dmitri! THEY’RE ON TO US!!!"

Portrait of man

Portrait of man

14) “Actually Off To Syria To Try Sort This Whole Crisis Situation Out. What Currency Are They Using Out There? Do You Think I’ll Be Alright With Factor 30 Sun Cream?"

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iStock_000058323690_Small

15) "I Stalk Jeff Goldblum. Where Jeff Goes, I Go."

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iStock_000046759274_Small

16) “I’m Actually Off To Madagascar. Pretty MAD Right?! Get It? GET IT? WHY ARE YOU RUNNING AWAY FROM ME?"

Attractive young man in studio looking at camera

Portrait of a normal boy over grey background.

17) “Just Off To Finland, But How About We Finnish This Conversation Later Over Drinks?"

Beautiful portrait of amused woman

Amused woman

18) "No. I'm Being Deported."

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iStock_000043620964_Small

19) “Just Off To Sweden, But How About We Swedish This Conversation Later Over Drinks?... F*CK! That’s Finland. It Only Works With Finland."

Beautiful portrait of amused woman

Amused woman

20) “I’m going to Casablanca. Maybe Not Today. Maybe Not Tomorrow. But Soon, And For The Rest Of My Life."

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iStock_000001649412_Small

21) “I’m Sure The Place Is Very Nice, But Considering My Ex Dumped Me When I Got My Fourth Armed Robbery Charge A Week After Booking Us The Holiday, It’s Going To Be Pretty Lonely. Unless You Come With Me. WILL YOU COME WITH ME?."

*Presses face against glass window*.

Middle Aged Woman Looking and Pointing at You

Middle Aged Woman Looking and Pointing at You

22) "Not As Nice As Those Beautiful Eyes Of Yours."

*Goes in for kiss, smacks face against glass screen*

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iStock_000015814269_Small

23) That Is A Really Stupid Question. Next?

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iStock_000017864354_Medium

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