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Amazing Animals

The Penis Invader, the Sea Vampire and the Flesh-Eating Catfish: 10 Fish You’d Never Want as Pets

These blood sucking, penis swimming, sea monsters are not your average Nemo

As pets go, the humble goldfish is as standard as they come. Tiny glass bowl, multi-coloured fish food flakes, a small ornamental castle if you’re feeling like a player; we all know the set-up.

They swim around for two years, acting like Guy Pearce in Memento, before eventually dying and getting flushed down the toilet. In terms of domesticated companionship, goldfish offer the equivalent thrill ride of a pet cactus.

“They’re like Pokémon…with a penchant for serving up pain and misery.”

With that in mind, you’re probably thinking of getting an upgrade (something a bit more extreme, something in keeping with your hardcore personality). But hold on there, buddy!

Before you head on down to your local pet shop, you might want to check out our list of the most horrible fish on earth. They’re like Pokémon, really nasty Pokémon, with a penchant for serving up pain and misery.

1) Sea Lamprey

Photo: EPA.

With a face like a spiky anus, the Sea Lamprey won’t be winning your local beauty pageant anytime soon. Underwater vampires, thirsty for blood, these things are dreadful on a number of levels.

2) Goonch Fish

Photo: Creative Commons.

Not to be mistaken with Graham Gooch, the retired England cricket player, the Goonch Fish has been known to eat people on the Great Kali River.

Apparently, these guys got a taste for human flesh by eating half burnt human remains discarded from nearby funeral pyres. Grim.

 3) Candiru

Photo: Nerdices.com.

On the plus side, a Candiru would fit comfortably into your existing goldfish bowl. On the downside, this spiky parasitic fish, found in the Amazon, enjoys nothing more than swimming up the male urethra and getting itself stuck.

“The other option…is to hobble around with a spiky parasitic fish trapped inside your penis.”

Agonisingly painful for the victim, as you can probably imagine, the preferred option in this horrifying scenario is to have the Candiru surgically removed. The other option, if you can really call it an option, is to hobble around with a spiky parasitic fish trapped inside your penis.

4) Giant Freshwater Stingray

Photo: WWF – Zeb Hogan.

No. That isn’t a submerged carpet. It’s a Giant Freshwater Stingray. Their sting is sheathed in toxic mucus, and they’re capable of piercing human bone.

 5) Goliath Tigerfish

Photo: Francois Botha.

Goliath by name; Goliath by nature. This is one seriously big fish. The biggest one on record was nearly five foot long, and weighed a whopping 154 pounds.

It famously auditioned for the role of Tony the Tiger in the Frosties adverts but missed out because, well because, it’s a fish.

6) Great Barracuda

Photo: Jeff Yonover.

Remember that song by Canadian rock band Heart? The one called Barracuda. Well, these guys listen to it all-day, on repeat, while they swim about looking menacing. The bastards.

7) Wels Catfish

Photo: Dieter Florian.

With a moustache like Salvador Dali, and a mouth you could park your car in, the Wels Catfish might look vaguely cartoonish but they’re also more than a little dangerous. In Russia, an entire human corpse was found inside of one.

Whether this Catfish has ever pretended to be someone else on social media, specifically Facebook, is a discussion we’ll save for another time.

8) Electric Eel

Photo: National Aquarium – George Grall.

They’re eels. They can zap you with 600 volts of electricity. What else do you need to know?

 9) Northern Stargazer

Photo: Aquaec.net

We have seen the face of death, and it’s the face of the Northern Stargazer. Despite not being much of a physical threat to humans, we’d still advise against keeping one of these as a pet.

 Their peek-a-boo routine is the stuff of nightmares.

10) Piranha

Photo: Larry Linton.

A fish that can tear the meat from your bones in the space of a few seconds is probably the worst idea for a pet we’ve ever come across. For some reason, one that we’ll never fully understand, some mavericks out there actually do keep them as pets.

WHY?! WHY WOULD PEOPLE DO THIS?!

In Conclusion…

Photo: PetsCorner.co.uk

Even if your name is Xavier Treme (aka Mr X. Treme), none of these things should be welcomed into your home and treated like a pet. They belong out there dude, in the wild.

Cut all the macho nonsense, and get yourself a hamster instead. Your life will be much easier that way.

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Meet The Man Who Keeps One Of The World’s Most Dangerous Animals As A Pet

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