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Mountain Biking

11 Super Powers Every Cyclist Would Kill To Have

Who says you have to use superpowers for good or evil? We'd use ours to ride our bikes...

What would be the best superpower on offer for mega keen super-shredders?     Photo: Cycling Weekly

Whether you’re a road cyclist, a mountain biker, a BMXer or anyone else within the wonderful world of bikes, there’s nothing quite like the feeling of pushing harder than ever before.

The only problem is the existence of limits. You can ignore them all you want, but no amount of energy drinks or motivational posters are going to take them away. The only thing that could, unfortunately, are superpowers, and we’re at least 92 percent certain that they don’t actually exist.

Imagine superheroes were real. It’s not hard to do if you’ve seen cam zink ride at red bull rampage…

Everyone has to dream though, so let’s imagine for a minute that we lived in a world where superheroes were real. It’s not that hard if you’ve seen Cam Zink’s past few years at Red Bull Rampage.

What would be the best ability for cycling-mad super-shredders? The one that would let you go bigger and badder than ever before? We’ve thought of a few that would certainly make life interesting…

1) Weather Control

It’s bluebird riding everyday when you’ve got the powers of X-Men’s Storm     Photo: Marvel Comics

Power: The ability to manipulate all forms of weather across endless areas.

We’re not one to complain about poor conditions. Whether your trails or roads are soaked in sun or covered in snow, it’s always time to ride. But imagine if you had the ability to choose your riding conditions every time you set off.

Fancy riding with a 30mph wind behind your wheels? Done. Fancy a bluebird day on the mountain? No problem. Fancy creating a hurricane aimed at the dude who just told you to “get back on the pavement”? Turn on your GoPro, conjure up a monster, upload it to YouTube, and sit back and laugh.

2) Earthbending

This could be your back garden if you could manipulate earth…     Photo: Red Bull

Power: The power to manipulate earth, sand, stone, rock, dirt, mud, metal, glass and all other minerals.

If you love to ride but you’re getting bored of your everyday routes then this is the power for you. You could turn your back garden into a dirt-jump heaven, or turn your local trails into the most technical in the world one day, then change them again the next morning.

This would effectively give you endless possibilities when it comes to building trails and riding new routes. You could ride whatever you wanted each day with a moments notice, and best of all? You’d never have to lift a spade again.

3) Super Speed

Who needs EPO when you’ve got super speed?     Photo: Shutterstock

Power: The ability to move at extraordinary physical speed.

This one is a no-brainer. You’d have the Tour de France title in the bag every year for starters. Mark Cavendish and Chris Froome are good, but they’re not exactly going to beat Flash Gordon when he’s moving his legs at the speed of sound.

The only thing about this is that to ensure your bike kept up with you, you’d probably need to get it heavily reinforced. Sponsorship probably wouldn’t be a problem when you’re the most famous road cyclist in the world though, so a global custom-build contest entirely in your name would not be out of the question.

BMXers could get some serious airtime out of this power too, but downhill mountain bikers may want to give it a miss. Hitting a tree at 30mph is painful enough as it is…

4) Precognition

Isaac used precognition to save the world. You could use it to save your line…     Photo: Heroes/Screenshot

Power: The ability to predict, and subsequently attempt to alter, the future.

You’re gunning down a trail, ripping over roots and about to turn a corner, but what’s that? You sense a giant tree trunk and a trip to the hospital in your near future. Time to change your line.

As long as you’re quick thinking, this ability could pretty much let you give yourself the perfect competition run, the perfect line for every road race, or let you see exactly what you were doing wrong in the park before you even messed up.

No more big bails when you’re trying a new trick or riding a new line with this bad boy – just hard-hitting hammers! You’d be a legend in no time at all.

5) Telekinesis

This is what happens when you tell Monet St. Croix that bikes are stupid     Photo: Marvel Comics

Power: The ability to manipulate objects with your mind.

Just to be clear, this power lets you move stuff with the power of your mind. You could take trees out the way before you hit them, build endless road cycling routes or dirt-jumping parks, and every time a pedestrian or car got in your way, you could pick them up with your mind and put them back in their place.

Don’t get us wrong, there’s a lot of cool shit you could do with this power in the cycling world, but realistically, it would turn most of us into supervillains. You could literally pick up the bus that just cut you off and chuck it at the driver who just blasted his horn at you for no reason.

A stern punishment admittedly, but one that would no doubt quickly get the commuting world in line.

6) Mind Control

This power would be handy not only for cycling, but also taking over the world     Photo: Heroes/Screenshot

Power: The ability to read the minds of all around you, and plant and manipulate their thoughts as well.

Cyclists have every right to ride on the road. They have every right to take up as much of the road as they need, and they sure as hell have the right to ride as long and as hard as they want without getting abuse or becoming the victims of attempted murder mid-cycle.

If you had the ability to control minds, you could put this information into the brains of every bus, tube and driving commuter in Britain. It would make road cycling infinitely more enjoyable. You could also convince your mates to bring you a Greggs whenever you fancied, or, y’know, begin a devilish quest towards world domination.

7) Immortality

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it an immortal mountain biker going super sideways?   Photo: Stand Art

Power: the ability to never age and recover from any injury.

Right, so we all know that anyone with the power of invulnerability would never feel any pain, but to be perfectly honest, we like a bit of pain. Call that strange, creepy or slightly concerning, but most cyclists will swear by the fact that pushing through pain is one of the most satisfying feelings there is.

Immortality lets you keep the pain that invulnerability would take away, but it also lets you show no signs of aging – so you’ll always be at your physical peak – and it means you’ll immediately recover from any injury you sustain.

No need to worry next time you break both legs and your neck hitting a 45ft dirt jump then. Just pop them back into place and head back to the drop in… You’ve got all the time in the world.

8) Teleportation

We like to think teleportation in the real world would sparkle slightly less     Photo: Star Trek/Screenshot

Power: The ability to instantaneously transport yourself from one location to another.

We shouldn’t have to explain why this one is a winner. Think of all the days that you’ve woken up, opened up your interweb and been greeted with the stuff of legend – winding roads through scenic mountains, epic mountain trails in the Whistler bike park or photographs of any commute in the world that isn’t in London.

Sure, climate control and earthbending could create your perfect track, but nothing matches up to riding that route that’s been pinned on your wall since you bought your first bike mag. This is one for the romantics out there.

9) Heal Others

Now you no longer have to worry about friend fatalities ruining your riding!     Photo: Paulyy-KHE

Power: The ability to heal other humans regardless of the severity of their injury.

There’s nothing worse than a nice day out ruined by your mate who’s shit at riding. If they fall, you have to put your hands on the breaks, call an ambulance – because you’re not a dickhead and all – and use up valuable riding time saving their life.

Yes, of course it’s pretty bad for your mate as well, he is in a fairly vulnerable situation, but it also means you have to stop your riding session, and in a world where superheroes and their powers exist, that shouldn’t be something that ever has to happen.

With the ability to heal others, no matter how badly your friend mangles themselves up, you can fix them instantaneously and keep on riding. Because who says saving lives has got to be selfless?

10) Substance Mimicry

Much like Absorbing Man above, you could knick the talent from your favourite superstars….     Photo: Marvel Comics

Power: The ability to take on all the talents of any other person you touch.

Road cyclists; hunt down Mark Cavendish and hold his hand. BMXers; hunt down Bruno Hoffman and poke him in the face.

Freeride mountain bikers; stalk Brandon Semenuk and jump out of his wardrobe. Downhill mountain bikers; hunt down Steve Peat or Josh Bryceland and give them a bear hug. Congratulations, now you’re absolutely shit hot at your discipline of choice.

11) Superhuman Intelligence

As Albert Einstein may or may not have once said: “If it ‘ain’t a bike, it just ain’t right”     Photo: PBS

Power: The power of supernaturally heightened and enhanced intelligence.

On second thoughts, you’re already an avid cyclist if you’re reading this article. Therefore, you’re clearly already more intelligent than all the folk riding buses and taxis and skateboards and so forth.

Maybe best ignore this one and choose one of the other powers to further add to your superiority…

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