How To Make Your Girlfriend/Boyfriend Hate Your Sport
A comprehensive guide to help you through the pitfalls of introducing your girlfriend/boyfriend to your other favourite thing...
If you're into action sports, the chances are you care more about skiing/snowboarding/surfing/biking (delete as appropriate) than your girlfriend or boyfriend, right?
You're going to want your significant other to love it as much as you do. So you don't have to spend every weekend treating your board/bike like it's your secret lover.
So here's our super useful, 100 per cent accurate advice on how to make your boo hate your sport...
Take them out in tough conditions on their first day
It's a perfect powder day and you're missus/man hasn't really got the hang of riding yet...
Or you're out mountain biking and take them down the steepest singletrack imaginable "just to give them a sense of what it's like".
It's raining. Take them out anyway. Tough love works, right?
As Sting would say, if you love somebody set them free... by not giving them a lesson.
Teaching your partner to do your sport is the absolute worst thing you can possibly do.
If someone you share a bed with is saying, "look just copy me - it's not that difficult" and you're finding it fucking difficult, things can get nasty very quickly.
Make them get up three hours earlier than they normally would...
Insist that the best time to go riding is at the crack of dawn. Paint a dramatic vision of the dawn chorus serenading you as you ride, the panoramic mountain views, how beautiful the morning light is when it dapples the river below...
They won't appreciate it. They'll just want coffee.
Compare them to your ex
Mention how Annie was climbing super steep hills in no time or that Spencer casually competes on the national circuit, and you'll find yourself carrying the kit back to the hire centre alone in no time.
Turn up in super tech gear...
... and tell them how shit their "cotton stuff" is. Make sure you let them know that your top is made from ultra lightweight, magical Afghan ferret hair - and it's the only thing anyone should wear when cycling.
Or even worse...
Buy them the most expensive kit
Nothing like a grand's worth of equipment to pile the pressure on. Buy them a £2,000 bike or shiny new board and they're bound to get into it, right?
Then look surprised when you find you've got stockpile of kit waiting to be sold on eBay under the "Barely Used" category.
Invite all your friends to come along on their first day
You're friends rip, so obviously they'll be a good influence on your newbie partner.
Make sure they are watching at the exact moment that your sweetheart is knee-deep in stinging nettles/landing on their arse - and slow-clap him/her as they emerge with red cheeks and a darkened look in their eyes.
Bomb it into the distance. Then when they catch up with you, roll your eyes and say "hurry up!" - particularly if they've just stopped to tighten their bindings for the seventeenth time.
Or even better, when they start moaning, chip in with: "do you want some cheese with that whine?"
Point out their mistakes
If they've managed to not fall over for twenty minutes, don't congratulate them. Just pick up on everything they're doing wrong.
Give incredibly vague descriptions about fall lines and centres of gravity, and finish by summarising with the incredibly helpful advice of "you know, you've gotta just feel it..."