So, Santa has been, the presents have been unwrapped, and at least one person you know has had to mask the disappointment of receiving something that actually makes them feel like shit (if you got somebody Slimming World vouchers this year, we salute you, you delightfully crappy human).
The turkey has been eaten, the Christmas pudding tolerated, and the Queens speech ignored. There’s only one thing left to do: actually talk to your family.
We’re not anti family. Far from it. We love chatting to the old folks. However, it’s inevitable that action sports will be brought up.
Around the family, you’re known as the weird one that spends your weekends getting muddy, cold, or generally banged up, so when all other options are exhausted you will be grilled about your chosen past time. After all, to everybody else, you’re a six out of ten freak.
Brace yourself for the following at some point over the festive period:
Can you do that?
No. No I can’t. Thanks for the reminder.
Doesn’t it hurt when you fall?
Not at all! I actually like swallowing my own teeth.
Have you ever seen a shark?
I think you’re confusing UK surfing with Finding Nemo.
Do you go abroad a lot then?
On these wages?
I remember when you cried until we bought you Roller Blades
YOU PROMISED YOU’D NEVER MENTION THAT!
Rugby. Now that’s a really tough sport
Here we go. Two hours of rah rah rah rugby with the chaps.
Isn’t skate boarding for little kids?
I get to pick your nursing home, remember!
Can you ride scooters as well?
Have you ever done a loop-de-loop
A what now?
Your cousin Jack likes bikes as well
Jack? Jack who’s four years old. Four year old Jack? He does? Smashin’.
Have you met Torvill and Dean?
Yeah, they’re regulars at the Pule Hill dry slope.
When I was your age, we didn’t have helmets. Or brakes. We didn’t even have saddles!
And I bet all this was fields as well, wasn’t it.
But, don’t you get cold?
Do you think I ski naked?
Did you get your bike from Halfords?
My gear cassette was hand crafted by blind widows in Milan, I’ll have you know!
Are Eskimos best at skiing?
Oh God, if you’re on to Eskimos, what’s next?
You don’t do that whole leg shaving thing, do you?
NO! Never. Well, not always. Once. Once a month. Sometimes more…
So, how much does all that stuff cost?
*Cue your other half staring at you with inquisitorial fury*
I bet you’ve seen Cool Runnings a thousand times, haven’t you?
No, I much prefer The Art of Fuck Off. You should watch it.
So, it was just you and another man, sleeping in a van together for two weeks?
He’s my friend! MY FRIEND! YOU’RE SITTING NEXT TO MY WIFE!
When are you going to get a proper job?
But… but… but…