So, Christmas is over, and with it goes the final few days of 2014. It’s been an amazing year for action sports, with records being smashed, mind melting new tricks being stomped, and Brits dominating all over the place.
But we’re not letting this success dampen our lust for insane action sport action. In 2015 we want everything to be bigger, faster, gnarlier, and generally more insane.
Here’s what we’d like… no. Here are our demands for 2015.
A New Snow Dome. A Fucking Massive New Snow Dome
Ages ago we were told that a massive new snowdome was going to be built in Stratford, London – the place where the 2012 Olympics were held. Excitement among the snowsports community around the UK was palpable.
A lot was promised, but nothing delivered. If we didn’t know better, we’d think it was all the scheme of a shrewd politician trying to tap into Winter Olympic glory.
Well, we’ve waited long enough. We want our new snowdome. And more importantly, we want it to be fucking massive. Just huge. Lets make this a real global pissing contest.
The UK needs – yes, needs – the biggest indoor snow sports facility the world has ever seen. The dudes in Dubai built the current largest one, which enjoys a 22,500 square metre ski area. The boot room in our new dome would be bigger than that!
Dream big, Britain. Dream big!
There should be nine unique slopes, including dedicated blue, red, black and double-black runs. Then a super steep, ice run for the nuttier skiers out there. Similarly, a run packed with eight meters of powder, featuring artificial cliff drops and a tree run for the snowboarders out there.
There should be a terrain park style run, another jam packed with urban features and winches to pull you along the flats and whip you onto rails. Finally a huge super pipe makes nine. It would be indoor perfection. There’d also be a dedicated area for snowbladers: the car park.
Back inside, each slope will have two separate lifts, one for skiers one for snowboarders. Yes, we’re all one big family now, but lets be honest Margaret, we have different needs.
“Where would we put this behemoth?” the health and safety fans among you may cry. Coventry isn’t doing much at the moment is it? It’s pretty central to the rest of the UK. Perfect. And a name? Fuck it, The Mpora Dome has a ring to it, doesn’t it?
A World Wide Scooter Shortage
Yes, there are some sick scoot edits about. And that guy that did those things that once. Gnarly! We don’t hate scoot. We just hate scooters. Stay with us here.
For every sick scooter edit online there are 867,000 people with scooters who do not have the first clue what they are doing. These are the problem. If you are into scoot, these are the people to blame for all the hate you get.
But it’s not just the freestyle scooters we want, nay – need to be affected by the world wide scooter ban. It’s every kind of scooter.
From the little kids on their caterpillar looking scooters, straight through to the commuter scooter wankers slowly pootling along the pavement on their £8,000 fold-up piece of middle-class tat. They all need to go.
“But Mpora, how will people learn how to get good on scooters if there’s a world wide shortage” you almost certainly don’t ask. That’s a you problem, not an us problem. Come on, ban this filth.
Norwich To Make Skateboarding Illegal But Rollerblading Compulsory
Back in the autumn, the authorities in East Anglia proposed that skateboarding was made illegal in Norwich. Everybody, including Mpora, went nuts. After all, such a suggestion was as ridiculous as it was offensive. Or was it?
After some thought, we firmly believe that Norwich should ban skateboarding. That’s right, should ban it. As of 2015, Norwich should be a skate free zone. However, in banning skating, Norwich should make Rollerblading compulsory.
That’s right, absolutely everybody from Norwich International Airport to Dunston Hall (thanks Google Maps) should have to wear inline skates 100 per cent of the time. From cradle to the grave, if you’re in the skate free zone, you have to Rollerblade.
Is this geographical humiliation an extreme measure? Of course, but how else will the local authorities of other towns learn not to make such preposterous anti-skate suggestions.
And the skaters of Norwich? Of course these creative individuals will move out. Find other cities that welcome skaters and treat them like regular members of society, not criminals.
In one fell swoop, skaters will be liberated, Rollerblading ghettoised, and the authorities of Norwich shamed. Huzzah!
More Old People Doing Insane Stuff On Bikes And Boards
In 2014 we saw more and more silver surfers showing that age was just a number. We caught up with people like Gwyn Haslock, the 70 year old Brit who still surfs most days of the week, and Yuichiro Miura; the guy who’s already scaled Mt.Everest twice, skied down it once and, at 80 years old, is planning on giving the big fella a third crack.
And who could forget Neil Unger, the 60 year old skater, who’s still learning new tricks ever day.
These guys all blew our minds. But for every OAP that was still ripping, there were 14,000 kids aged 15 or under who were smashing action sports, and making the future look very exciting indeed.
And as good as these nippers are, we want to see the balance addressed a little in 2015. We want to see more old folk killing it on the slopes and streets. Slaying the seas and skate parks. But how?
Can we just empty all of the old folks homes into skate bowls and hope for the best Probably, yes. But we shouldn’t. We definitely shouldn’t. Should we? No. No.
So failing that, what? In 2015 we want to see free action sports gear for the over 65’s. Along with a bus pass and marginally cheaper haircuts, when somebody retires they should get a free skateboard, surfboard, BMX or whatever.
If they live near a velodrome, give them a bike. Near the sea? A surf board. You get the idea. Just think of it! Britain will have an army of octogenarian action sports soldiers. And best of all, the nock-on effect will be fantastic for all of us.
The elderly tend to have greater disposable income, so they’ll be spending more than most on action sports. More money in the industry means better facilities all round.
Furthermore, old folks vote, so the slimeball politicians listen to them come election time. No longer will snow domes be promised but not delivered. Calling for skateboarding to be banned will be a thing of the past. Apart from in Norwich.
Time for 10 more wishes?
- Gee Atherton and Jamie Nichols to get their own prime time Saturday night TV show
- No more bucket hats on the slopes
- No more bucket hats anywhere
- Some snow in Europe
- Less slow motion shots in 2 minute skate edits
- Matt Hoffman to enter the US Presidential race
- The one from Game Of Thrones who said she wont appear naked on screen again to appear naked on screen again
- Less Euro-dance in edits
- More Boys II Men in edits
- Less surfers appearing in perfume adverts