How To Smuggle Alcohol Into A Music Festival | 6 Methods You Can Try This Summer
You'll never look at a loaf of bread in quite the same way ever again.
Festivals are brilliant. Limits on how much alcohol you can bring into a festival, on the other hand, are not brilliant. These suffocating and authoritarian rules suck, and can cost you a small fortune in on-site beverage purchases.
Luckily for you lot, we're here to help you stick it to the man with these #LifeHacks for smuggling large quantities of booze past security and into the festival of your choosing. Not all heroes wear capes, guys.
1) The Bread Coffin
First things first, don’t be trying to force a big two litre bottle of Strongbow inside one of those small triangular pumpkin seed rolls you sometimes have with your tomato soup. It won’t work.
Instead, make sure you’re in the right ballpark by holding your drink against the loaf and checking that it's comfortably within the margins of depth, length, and width. Ignore any funny looks you get in the shop by quietly reminding yourself what an absolute bloody great big genius you are.
Upon arriving home, head straight to the kitchen and get to work; taking care not to rip the packaging when removing the bread. Remember that you want to put the bread back in there afterwards. Delicacy is the name of the game here, so be gentle with your hands...like you’re delivering a human baby.
Next job, flip your bread over so you’re looking at its underbelly. Put your vodka/rum/gin/whisky (other drinks are available) on it, and cut around . Once you’ve got a shape you’re happy with cut into the loaf’s surface, turn the bread on its end and precisely slice off a thin lid for the “coffin."
With the lid off, and put safely to one side, you can begin scooping the bread out to make room for your bottle. If you like bread, feel free to eat the bread at this point.
After scooping out the loaf’s innards, and putting them in the bin/your digestive system, it’s time to get your alcohol nestled up comfortably inside the bread and put the lid back on. Then, as gently as you can, return the booze-filled bread to its packaging and reseal the entrance.
Voila. To the untrained eye, it’s just a loaf of bread. But you, you know the truth don’t you? You devil, you rascal, you fiend. *cackles like a Bond villain, and literally never stops*
2) The Cool Mint Mouthwash Mixer
Ever looked at a cool mint mouthwash bottle and thought “Yeah, that’s a good way to smuggle alcohol into a music festival"? Because...we have. We have.
The recipe for this one is simple. Get yourself some vodka, and mix it with something blue. We used blue gatorade for our one but walk about your local newsagent, and you’ll be sure to find something that’s both blue and sugary. Alternatively, mix a small amount of blue food colouring into your vodka and bring a soft-drink mixer separately. This dastardly idea works even better when the mouthwash bottle has “ALCOHOL FREE" written on it.
Few things to add here. Definitely, definitely, definitely wash out the bottle of mouthwash thoroughly beforehand. Oh and, of course, there’s no need to limit yourself to just cool mint mouthwash. Feel free to get real loose and creative with the alcoholic drinks disguised as dental hygiene product concept. For example, a Vimto/Ribena-vodka mixer could work well as a bottle of purple-flavoured Listerine.
3) The “Fancy A Pringle?"
Pringles are addictive, more-ish, and shaped like duck lips; Pringles are Pringles. Honestly, who doesn’t love a Pringle? Whether it’s a ‘Paprika’ flavour Pringle, a ‘Sour Cream & Onion’ flavour Pringle, a ‘BBQ’ flavour Pringle, an ‘Original’ flavour Pringle, a ‘Salt & Vinegar’ flavour Pringle or some other Pringle flavour, we could happily eat Pringles morning, noon, and night. Pringles. Pringles, Pringles, Pringles.
Give me Pringles, or give me death...Pringles.
"Don’t eat them all mind as you’ll be using the remaining 20% to mask the alcohol...
Anyway, did you know Pringle tubes can be used to smuggle alcohol into festivals? No. Really. Look at that recently purchased tube of Pringles. Now, back at me. Then, back at the Pringles. Now, back at me again.
“But...but...Mpora...there are Pringles in my recently purchased tube of Pringles. I couldn’t possibly fit any alcohol in there. There simply isn’t enough room," you say.
Well, the good news is that I hereby give you permission to eat approximately 80% of the Pringles contained within that tube of Pringles you’ve just purchased. Don’t eat them all mind as you’ll be using the remaining 20% to mask the alcohol hidden within your Pringles tube.
4) The Shampoo Secret
Do you like the taste of shampoo? If you don’t, be sure to give maximum effort when washing out your bottle of ‘Head & Shoulders’ (other shampoo brands are available). A half-arsed job on the washing out of your shampoo container here will have you spitting bubbles all weekend, and somewhat detract from your enjoyment levels as a result.
Whereas a lingering aftertaste of mouthwash isn’t the worst thing in the world, because some mouthwash flavours can be quite nice, there is literally nothing redeeming about the taste of shampoo. Nothing. Nothing whatsoever. Wash out the shampoo. Wash it all out. After doing that thoroughly, fill up the bottle with Coca-Cola or lemonade and leave it overnight to help move this charade into a more palatable flavour country.
The shampoo secret is a fun one (if done right) because, like with the mouthwash bottle, people tend to trip balls when you drink straight from it. Entertain the masses while getting drunk. They’ll be talking about your exploits for years to come.
5) The Fizzy Pop Jacket
Question: What do beer cans, cider cans, and fizzy drink cans all have in common?
Answer: Cans. They’re all cans.
One classic way to get extra cans of booze into a music festival is by making a “jacket" for your alcoholic cans out of the shells of your old non-alcoholic cans. This approach doesn’t necessarily hold up to high levels of scrutiny but if done well...you can virtually guarantee that security won’t pick up on it when they’re giving the inside of your bag a quick going over.
Just make sure that the “jackets" you fashion for your cans have non-alcoholic labelling (Sprite, Pepsi Max etc). Dressing up a can of Kronenbourg as a Stella Artois, for example, is completely pointless and quite stupid. Don’t be that guy. Don’t be stupid.
6) The Wonderbra Bar
This tip comes courtesy of a colleague on one of our sister-publications.
"Take out the chicken fillets. Put in booze," they tell us, before adding that "amount of booze is decided by size of boobs." We would name them here, but feel like it's better for everyone if they remain anonymous.
Wear bra. Use said bra as a way to smuggle alcohol into the festival. Simples.