Love travel and adventure but find flying frequently turns you into a sweaty-palmed quivering wreck? You're not alone.
Here are 15 thoughts all nervous flyers have during take off.
1) Great this is a new plane. No rust on this bad boy!
2) Shit this is a new plane, what if they haven't tested it properly…
3) Was my pilot on the piss last night?
Glad he sounds perky and not depressed…oh God is he too perky and still pissed up?
4) I hope none of the Air Traffic Controllers recently lost a daughter of a suspected drug overdose…
That was actually at the hands of Walter White. Damn that pink teddy.
4) Is our pilot even a real one?
Or just faking it Catch Me If You Can-stylee.
5) I really hope our pilot didn't have fish for dinner…
"Until finally the poor bastard is reduced to a quivering wasted piece of jelly."
6) If we crashed in the mountains, would I eat a fellow passenger?
Like those Uruguayan rugby dudes did in the 1970s, as portrayed in the film Alive. Probably, though does even thinking that negate my veggie status?
7) How the hell does something this heavy fly?
Thrust schmust. It can only be magic.
8) If we crash because I left my phone on will I go to jail?
And if so which one?
9) What if our pilot is a failed astronaut but decides to fly us to the moon regardless?
Would we make it?
11) Is our stewardness doing complex maths equations in her head to pass the time or is she worried because we're about to crash?
12) Apart from the hero pilot who landed on the Hudson river, has any plane ever successfully touched down on water?
Nope, so why keep mentioning the life jackets?
13) What if some of the emergency exits are false?
"I don't want top up, I want stays up!"
14) Next time I'm bringing my own parachute…
But wait what if it exceeds those insane hand-baggage dimensions?