Nike Back to the Future

Yet you'll flinch at spending half that on shoes for your best mate's wedding.

2. Your first question in job interviews is, “Do you have showers?"

Praying cat

3. Under your desk at work is a no-go zone

Air freshener

Aged trainers, mangy towels, rucksacks stuffed with biohazard socks... Abandon hope all ye who enter here.

4. You are miffed when non-runner pals don't get why smashing your PB by 22 seconds is a big deal

House of Cards

And yet they expect you to get super-excited about their pregnancy/engagement/all clear from the doctor. Cuh! Cheek.

5. You smoothly execute The Nod at passing runners without even thinking about it

Signs you're a runner

It's a momentary tilt of the head, as if acknowledging a distant relative from across the room at a funeral. No smile required (in fact, it's kind of weird if you do).

6. You have an insane amount of dementedly upbeat music on your playlists


There's a LOT of air-punching rock/chest-beating rap/mouth-gurning rave. It's actually a bit mortifying when anyone noses through your phone... But these are the tools of the trade, right?

7. You know EXACTLY how far you can run on a hangover

Signs you're a runner

In fact, you're scientifically calculating it in the pub the night before, as the booze flows down your neck: “Okay, so that's six Peroni and a 'Bucca – sooo 5.7km tomorrow lunchtime it is, then. *Hic*"

8. Also, you're weirdly good at converting miles to kilometres

Signs you're a runner

You can't work out what your quarter-share of a Nando's bill is, but you do know – without Googling it – that 8.5km equals 5.28 miles.

9. You sleep like you've been knocked out by an over-eager anaesthetist

Signs you're a runner

10. Eating two lunches is perfectly acceptable

Signs you're a runner

One at 11.30am (because HANGRY), and another one at 4pm (because THE HANGER HATH RETURNED).

11. You have a deep and intuitive understanding of your poo cycle

Signs you're a runner

And you can accelerate and decelerate it with the precision of a Swiss watchmaker (cheers, coffee!).

12. Even the mildest twinge sends you into a momentary doom-spiral

Signs you're a runner


13. Conversely, you'll happily 'run through' other pains that would deeply concern you if you were stationary

Signs you're a runner

Stabbing pain in your chest accompanied by tingly arms? Yeah it's probs fine, innit.

14. You can say “fartlek" without snorking like a child

Signs you're a runner

15. You can spot a barky/chasey/ankle-bitey dog from 100 paces

Signs you're a runner

16. Taking a post-run shower is a profoundly erotic experience

Signs you're a runner

17. As is descending a hill after ascending the bastard for what felt like forever

Signs you're a runner

18. While running, you consider yourself above society's basic behavioural standards

Signs you're a runner

Spitting, burping, farting, snot-rocketing, being horrifyingly sweaty in a Tesco Metro – all fair game. Politeness is for dawdling pedestrians.

19. You unfailingly scoff at depictions of running on TV

Signs you're a runner

“As if she'd be running in full make-up with her hair down! Pass me the phone – I'm calling ITV to complain. This travesty Shall. Not. Stand."

20. You know the location of every public loo in your town better than the local cottagers

Signs you're a runner

21. You're certain that one day you'll end up doing 25 years over a 'funny joke' yelled by a stranger

Signs you're a runner

“Here comes Mo Farah, everyone! Faster, Mo! Hahaa! Woah.... Heeeey, now. It was just a joke mate, alright? Akkkh. Stop... choking... me... can't... breeeathe..."

22. You'll consume whatever it takes to get the job done

Signs you're a runner

Sometimes, that's a punishingly dense protein bar that tastes like sawdust, tears and boredom. But sometimes it's a decadent bottle of sugary sports drink, and sometimes – just sometimes – it's a big ol' fistful of Haribo. Whoop!