28 Hilarious Bear Grylls Quotes That Prove ‘The Island’ Is Must See TV‏

“Is anyone going to try and help me? I’m trying to carry a bag, a machete and kill a snake!”

All photos: Channel 4/The Island with Bear Grylls, Channel 4: On Demand screenshots

Our Top Favourite Bear Grylls Quotes

It goes without saying that Bear Grylls is one of the greatest survival experts in the world. The guy’s been known to eat animal hearts, drink urine and climb inside camels in order to stay alive.

Not all of the British general public are quite so savvy in the great outdoors though, as ‘The Island with Bear Grylls‘ has quite clearly demonstrated.

Anyone who has been watching the Channel 4 spectacular will probably have spent most of their viewing time laughing in bewilderment as the men lost their cool and the women just got lost.

One thing is for sure though – the show has certainly thrown up some memorable quotes… Obvious spoilers to follow!

1) “They look a little like a party of drowned rats at the moment. Let the chaos begin!”

Context: Bear elegantly sums up the appearance of the men’s group after dropping them off at the island. Suffice to say, he sure knows his rodents.

2) “Is anyone going to try and help me? I’m trying to carry a bag, a machete and kill a snake!”

Context: A dynamite entry from building contracts manager Paul, who despite leaving the island early on, gave us some excellent quotes first. We’d say that this one speaks for itself.

3) “Over there it’s a tropical paradise. Over there it’s a shithole. It’s like Waitrose and Aldi all in one picture”

Context: Paul strikes again as the team prepare for a torrential downpour on the island.

4) “That ignorant twat wants to do it his way. He hasn’t got a fucking clue. My world, it’s a punch to the throat, he’s down, finished with. I walk away. Happy days. I can’t do that here. Bang! Done! Fat cunt! Know what I mean?”

Context: Andy explains how he would have dealt with Paul had they been back on the building site in Britain.

5) “I’m going to die!” “…shall I just cut its head off?”

Context: Vegetarian Jamie and no-nonsense mother and Spa manager Abby have mixed reactions to encountering a snake.

6) “I sometimes have to go to my children and just say ‘shuuuuut uuuup’. Know what I mean?”

Context: Abby’s kids watch on with knowing head-shake as their mother tries to calm fellow islanders down by telling them to be quiet.

7) “If we get there can we have a celebratory swim? I’m not wearing any pants so I’ll just have to go for the full on muff”

Context: As the girls found the beach, 58-year-old Fi left the audience wondering what they were about to witness on Channel 4.

8) “I can see a fucking palm tree!”

Context: The group saw a fucking palm tree.

9) “My mouth was feeling like Ghandi’s flip-flop”

Context: Georgia was thirsty, and explained just that with this graphic simile.

10) “We’re going on this hike knowing that we’re going to get absolutely fucked”

Context: The women left for a hike without water. This is how they felt at the prospect.

11) “It’s not the survival bit that’s stopping me… It’s just all the bullshit!”

Context: Quote-machine Paul returns with a final banger before leaving the island. Sounds like an excuse to us mate…

12) “I’m a happy man. I want to be a happy man with a tube of Pringles and a Mars Bar!”

Context: At least Joe was a little more straightforward about why he wanted to go home.

13) “Unbelievable spineless wonders. Fuckin’ ‘ell lads what were you thinking? What were you possibly thinking?!”

Context: Vic takes centre stage to let loose at the leavers in spectacularly Northern fashion.

14) “Now that they’ve both fucked off, let’s get on with it!”

Context: Just after Paul and Joe have been talking about the strong bonds they made before leaving the island, Charlie sums up exactly how the survivors feel about their departure.

15) “Where are we going? We’re going down to paradise city! Take me down… with your big pearly titties… I have no idea actually. Where are we going?”

Context: Vic sets out to go hunting, but forgets both the words to Guns N’ Roses’ hit Paradise City and where he’s actually meant to be going when confronted by the camera.

16) “A deaf man could hear us coming”

Context: After a montage of what can only be described as the worst hunting effort in the world, Vic sums up exactly how the audience are feeling.

17) “The general rule of thumb, the bigger the pincer, the smaller the stinger, the less deadly the scorpion. Mark’s scorpion? There’s enough venom in that stinger to kill a man.”

Context: After Mark is stung by a scorpion, Bear tells the audience that he could well die from the sting. The show then cuts back to Mark writhing in pain, as the audience wonder if this is going to be the first live death ever televised on Channel 4.

18) “What can you do? We’re down to 11 people after not even a week. It’s just embarrassing”

Context: Following Andy’s departure, Will suggests The Island is more about avoiding embarrassment for him than actually surviving.

19) “A couple of my really close friends have got iguanas. I really don’t know how they’ll view this. I hope they understand their pets are not in danger. They can still leave me in the lounge with them!”

Context: Barney cuts off an iguana’s head, and risks cutting off his friendships back home in the process.

20) “Bloody hell, have you farted in my face again?”

Context: The women’s ‘camp group’ settle down for another night spent 100 yards from where they were first dropped off.

21) “I feel like I could cry right now, I seriously feel like I could cry” …“I think I need another shit!”

Context: The news from Fi that the water bottles have been washed away goes straight to Jamie’s bladder.

22) “Without fire, the group have lost their only means of purifying the water from the muddy puddles. They’re now down to capturing rain water… in Beth’s poncho.”

Context: Bear sums up, with a fitting sense of bewilderment, how the women’s team are getting on after losing their fire. *Face palm*.

23) “Until I faint four hundred times, you’re not allowed to take me off that thing”

Context: PhD student Fran shows that despite constantly feeling ill and enjoying a sit down, she’s actually hard as nails. Nice one Fran. Respect.

24) “We’ve just got to blow. Blow blow. Everybody in this group is good at blowing, yeah? I think we’re all seasoned blowers here”

Context: Abby’s kids watch on in utter horror as she explains her plan to find the other camp through whistle use in an innuendo-plagued paragraph.

25) “The expedition party are completely lost, and their water supply is quickly disappearing”

Context: This quote more made it into our list because of the hilarity of the expedition party’s navigation skills. This became the overriding theme of their entire two opening episodes.

26) “Along the coast, the group from camp have entered the swamps”

Context: Out of the frying pan, into the swamp. Which is also heated to just about the same temperature as said previous frying pan.

27) “We’re at Coconut fucking beach? What the fuck? I can’t fucking deal with this. How the fuck is that possible? How is that possible? I thought we were so fucking close. We can’t fucking navigate! I can’t walk. I’m fucked. We’re all fucked”

Context: Jamie lets loose on the girl’s navigation skills with probably the best speech of the series so far. To be fair, if we had circled back to Coconut beach for a second time in one day, we’d probably lose the plot too. As Bear put it, “Having pushed through the jungle for two days, they’re not one step closer to camp.” As Jamie would’ve put it: “fuck”.

28) “Finally back together, the women take a moment to savour their island home”

Context: After being dropped off as one group two days earlier, the women wildly celebrate their reunion, or as we like to think about it, getting back to square one.

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