Picture the scene. You’ve just crash-landed on a desert island. It’s a bit like the opening episode of Lost except, unlike Lost, this hopefully won’t lead to a huge anti-climax six seasons down the line.
You survey the wreckage, and breathe a huge sigh of relief. Guess what? It’s your lucky day.
Not only has everyone survived, but it also turns out your fellow passengers are the best people to be stuck on a desert island with.
Bear Grylls (Survival Expert)
The man with the best name in the world, is probably the best man to be stuck on a desert island with. The ultimate adventurer, there’s literally nothing he won’t do in order to survive. He might be completely bat-shit crazy, but he’ll make sure you get through this ordeal in one piece. An obvious candidate for island leader. If he’s deemed worthy enough to eat raw fish with Obama, then he’s definitely the one to keep us alive.
Josephine Hedger (The Tree Climber)
What do you mean you’ve never heard of Josephine Hedger?! She’s a tree climbing world champion, for crying out loud.
She’ll keep you stocked up on coconuts for the entirety of your stay, and might even build you a couple of nice tree houses.
Speaking of Josephine Hedger, is anyone else enjoying the fact that she’s a tree climber with the word ‘Hedge’ in her surname? No. Just me. OK, let’s move on.
Jason Wynyard (The Lumberjack)
New Zealander Jason Wynyard is a proper lumberjack. He doesn’t just sit around wearing checkered shirts and skinny jeans. He’s a real, proper, lumberjack.
Jason has won the Stihl Timbersports Series five times in the last six years. With Wynyard knocking about, you’ll end up with more firewood than you know what to do with.
Žydrūnas Savickas (The Strong Man)
39 year old, Lithuanian, Žydrūnas Savickas has won the World’s Strongest Man competition four times. If you need someone to move large boulders about, or wrestle dangerous animals, Žyd is just the guy you need.
Ki Bo-Bae (The Archer)
South Korea’s answer to Legolas, Ki Bo-Bae is the best archer in the world. She scooped gold medals in the individual and team events at London 2012, and is basically just completely flipping awesome.
If you need someone to put an arrow through the eye of a wild boar, from 100 yards; Ki Bo-Bae will sort you out.
Zyg Gregorek (The Fisherman)
Zyg Gregorek is widely considered to be the world’s greatest living fisherman. This guy doesn’t just do fishing, he does extreme fishing.
Nine species of sharks, ten species of billfish, eight species of tuna; you name it and this man has probably reeled it in.
Not that this really needs to be explained, but having a gnarly fisherman on your desert island is going to be pretty useful.
Clue: you’re surrounded by water.
Heston Blumenthal (The Chef)
What will all the coconuts, fish, and wild boar you’re collecting; you’re going to need someone who knows how to cook. Thankfully for you, and your band of Robinson Crusoes, Heston Blumenthal is there to lend a hand in that department.
Not only does Heston look like a bespectacled egg, he’s also widely regarded to be one of the best chefs on the planet. He’s renowned for his culinary innovation and, basically, making any old shit taste good.
Expect to be wined and dined on palm tree souffle and wet sand porridge. Yeah, we know it sounds horrible but Heston will find a way to make it delicious. Trust us.
Sir Ben Ainslie (The Sailor)
Sir Ben Ainslie. The man, the legend; the guy who’s going to build you a boat and sail you off this godforsaken island. Winner of four Olympic golds, and probably the greatest sailor this planet has ever produced.
Through stormy seas, and hurricane conditions, this man will get you home. He’s also the perfect man to sail your fishing raft (see Zyg Gregorek, above).
Wilson (The Volleyball)
Come on. Hands up. Who didn’t cry at that bit in Cast Away when Wilson, the volleyball, floats helplessly away from a visibly distraught Tom Hanks? If you somehow kept it together watching that, you’re officially dead inside.
We’ve managed to track down Wilson and, would you believe it, he’s here tonight on this desert island. What are the odds?
More a listener than a talker, Wilson offers pure companionship. He’ll keep you going through the bad times, and quickly become your best friend.
You made it off the island alive. Well done, you. The end.