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Surfing

12 Celebrities Who Don’t Know How To Surf

You wont believe how sh*t these celebrities are at surfing...

For some reason, celebrities are drawn to surfing like moths to a flame. There’s a holistic good to surfing that celebs, or at least their agents, want us to associate with them.

And of course, the chance to get snapped looking fresh in a bikini or board shorts by some scum bag paparazzi is always a bonus when they have a calendar to flog to lonely, sexually frustrated teens.

You might be surprised by some of the celebrities who surf, so Mpora has rounded up 12 celebrities that you’ll be shocked don’t surf.

1) Julia Roberts

Photo: justjared.com

Julia Roberts is one of the most powerful people in Hollywood, and has a reported worth of $170million (£111million) so she can afford the odd beach holiday.

Despite this, she has little-to-no interest in surfing. Pictured above, she’s just carrying her kid’s body board.

 

2) Matt Bellamy

Photo: zimbio.com

Matt Bellamy a multi-instrumentalist sadly best known for being front man from prog rock cum-socks Muse. Bellamy grew up in Teignmouth, Devon which is just a quick drive some some of the UK’s hottest surf spots.

Despite this, Bellers spent his formative years practicing scales on his guitar and now fronts one of the worlds most successful, not to mention shittest bands.

 

3) Gareth Bale

Photo: realmadrid.com

Full time footballer and part time Stuart Kenny look-a-like Gareth Bale sent shockwaves through the back pages of the tabloid press when he became the worlds most expensive Welshman when Spanish Club Real Madrid bought from from Tottenham Hotspur for €758billion.

Garry B, now enjoys a relaxed life in the Spanish capital. But, being smack-bang in the middle of the country, there’s pretty much no surf scene.

 

4) Goldie

Photo: djnightsphotography.com

Born in Gods own country; Walsall in the West Midlands, drum & bass producer Goldie first shot to fame in the mid 1990’s when his record Inner City Life hit the clubs and grew into a go-to record used by countless TV folk when they wanted a cool soundtrack to some footage of hopeful-yet-disaffected urban youth.

Later in life he found fame with Guardian readers when he went on some BBC show about composing classical music. At no point has surfing been involved.

 

5) Emilia Clarke

Photo: bimzz.com

She’s best known for playing Daenerys Targaryen: Mother of Dragons and Tenter of Pants in TV mega hit Game Of Thrones. What you may not have heard about Emila Clarke, however, is about her passion for surfing and the fact that she’s actually set up her own wetsuit company called Khaleesi.

This is because it’s completely fictional. As far as we know, she couldn’t give a shit about surfing, let alone making boards.

 

6) Youri Djorkaeff

Photo: sport24.lefigaro.fr

He won the World Cup back in 1998, but Youri Djorkaeff has no place on a surf board.

 

7) Prince

Photo: media.salon.com/

Before his fictional fall from grace that saw him move to Coatbride in Lanarkshire and get a job in the Pot Noodle factory, the artist formerly known as The Artist Formerly Known As Prince had a pop career that saw him sitting comfortably on top of the world.

At no point has the Purple Rain singer ventured near a surf board. Some speculate this is down to his diminutive size. Others suggest it’s down to a fear of water. Most people, however, simply don’t speculate, concentrating on their own lives.

 

8) Ernest Hemingway

Photo: biography.com

During his life as a writer, Ernest Hemingway won both Pulitzer Prize for Fiction and the Nobel Prize for Literature. At no point, however, was he ever crowned King Of The Pipe Line.

Despite having a staggering life that saw him drive an ambulance during World War 1, join the Catalonians during the Spanish Civil War, survive two plane crashes in South Africa, be present at both the Normandy landings and the liberation of Paris and also reside in a number of stunning locations such as Florida and Cuba, he never hung ten.

 

9) John Barnes

Photo: Steve Hale

“When John Barnes plays” so the old terrace song goes “the crowd go bananas”. Yes, John ‘Disco Magic’ Barnes was one of the greatest footballers of his generation. His goal for some team or other against another team goes down in history as being just bloody brilliant.

Since retiring from playing the game in 2000, he went on to become a manager, possibly most famously taking charge of a team in Scotland called Celtic who were humiliated by a lower ranked team called Inverness Caledonian Thistle, leading to the immortal headline: Super Cali Go Ballistic Celtic Are Atrocious.

John Barnes has no known association with surfing.

 

10) Kofi Annan

Photo: Eric Miller / weforum.org

Kofi Annan is the diplomat from Ghana who served as the Secretary General of the United Nations from 1997 to 2006. While in office, Kofi oversaw many UN operations throughout the world, but at no point showed even the faintest glimmer of an interest in surfing.

He is remembered, however, for having a name which many a granddad laughingly said “coffee and naan” out loud whenever he appeared on the news. Halcyon days.

 

11) Peter Kay

Photo: ITV

Professional rememberer and full time northerner Peter ‘Garlic Bread’ Kay is so adverse to surfing that he won’t even ‘surf’ the internet. As such he’s oblivious to the resource that allows the rest of the world to look up things from recent history.

Instead, he bases stage shows on reciting events from recent history that are incredibly popular with people from small satellite towns that also don’t have the luxury of the world wide web.

 

12) John Virgo

Photo: YouTube

John Virgo was the professional snooker player known on the circuit as ‘Mr Perfection’ due to how incredibly tidy he would leave his travel lodge while on tour. After retiring from the sharp end of competitive snooker, he remained in the game as a comentator.

He also co-presented 1990’s BBC TV snooker quiz Big Break with Jim Davidson – a man so devoid of charm that Virgo attempted to redress the balance by wearing novelty waistcoats.

While, frankly, above such a format, Virgo remained co-host of Big Break throughout its existence, which many people blame on his professional surf career never taking off. Others suggest that the 69 year old northerner simply isn’t built for surfing, having spent most of his life choosing between the easy cannon into the pink, or the difficult screw shot into the brown.

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