• What type of sand sculpture is the dude on the right building?

They say eyes are the window to the soul. And in this case, you only need to briefly look at the eyes of the man on the left to know that the dude laying down on the right has been dicking about unproductively with the sand in front of him for well over an hour.

Just look at the man on the left’s eyes. Look into them. Look deep into them, and then try telling me his patience hasn’t hit rock bottom. This man went down to the beach in a $3,900 wet suit, with his adult-friend who’s crap at building sand castles and is also wearing a $3,900 wet suit, but ended up taking the much longer, much more scenic, route there via Kill-Me-Now, Bring-Me-Death, My-Mate-Is-The-Worst-At-Building-Sand-Castles and I-Can’t-Believe-I-Spent-$3,900-On-A-Wet-Suit.

• Does the man building the sand sculpture need some help?

In a word: yes. Man’s got no bucket, no clue, and no hope.

• Does the black tie make it acceptable wear for funerals?

Our gut reaction to this question is “No. Absolutely not. There’s literally no way that this could ever be considered an acceptable thing to wear to a funeral.”

However, what if the dead person’s dying wish was to be buried at sea? Under these conditions, and only under these conditions, we have decided that these wet suits would be an acceptable thing to wear to a funeral (but only if the dead person was absolutely minted, and left enough money in their will to cover the cost of a squad’s worth of black-tie wet suits priced at $3,900 per item).

• Is the man lying down in this group shot fondling his own testicles?

We imagine that if you’ve got enough money in the bank to fork out $3,900 on a wet suit, you’ve probably got quite a lot of confidence in yourself; a bit more swagger than the average Joe, let’s put it like that.

Getting a team photo done with your crew, but want to kill two birds with one stone and touch your own balls while you’re at it? Mate, you’ve got enough money to spend $3,900 on a designer wet suit. Normal rules don’t apply and you can basically do what you want, apparently.

• Was the fake handkerchief in the fake pocket absolutely necessary? 

Honestly. It seems unnecessary. Like something Mark from Peep Show would rant about. But then again, flipping the argument on its head, we do think it adds to the general suit aesthetic. The world is basically completely mental now. Brexit is happening, Donald Trump is President, and people are selling wet suit-real suit hybrids for an eye-watering $3,900. With that in mind, put the tiny white rectangle wherever the fuck you want Thom Browne. We’re done with humanity.

• Who spends $3,900 on a wet suit and then doesn’t wear it properly?

You’ve spent $3,900 on a wet suit that looks like an actual suit, and then you don’t even wear it properly. Now we can’t speak for you guys but if we’d just chucked almost four grand at a wet suit/real suit, we’d literally never take it off. We’d wear it all the time. Even if it was 40°C on the beach, we’d keep it on. The man second from left, in the picture above, knows the score. He’s got the right idea.

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