Fancy Surfing In Human Sh*t And Getting Beaten Up By Locals? This Is What The World’s Famous Surf Spots Are Really Like…

They don't call it Surfers Paradise for nothing. Oh wait...

Everyone dreams of surfing in Bali or Hawaii, right? But what if the tropical surf paradises weren’t as great as you initially thought?

We’ve got the lowdown on all the places you thought about surfing and now may reconsider…

Wakiki Beach, Hawaii

What the brochure says…

Ahh Hawaii, the Island Paradise. Known for its golden beaches, lush towering mountains and some of the best surf in the world.

You’ll spend every day surfing turquoise waves in Waikiki Bay and making friends with turtles.  If you’re lucky, you might get a dolphin ride. Evenings are for sipping piña coladas in the beach bar while watching the sun set and simultaneously having your feet massaged by a friendly parrot.

In the wise words of Bruno Mars: “Hawaii is paradise… There’s music in the air there.” Yes Bruno, yes there is.

What reality tells us…

Photo: AP/Marco Garcia

Errrr…. sorry to burst your bubble kids, but Hawaii ain’t that great.

The capital city of Honolulu is just another American city, crammed with tacky gift shops and McDonalds, dominated by a giant motorway. Everything is crazy expensive. Urban areas are rife with poverty and a growing homeless population.

The traffic is like hell on earth. No, really. It has the second worst traffic in the USA after Los Angeles. Your average driver will spend 50 hours in gridlock per year (that’s over a week’s worth of surfing).

Those golden sandy beaches? A lot of them are black. Oh yeah and those friendly locals? You’ll soon learn what Hawaiian knuckles taste like after you unwittingly surf one of their nearby “secret spots”.

Surfers Paradise, Australia

What the brochure says…

C’mon now mate, it’s Surfers Paradise! We’ve got miles of golden beaches with pumping surf and hot chicks playing volleyball.

Feast on fresh seafood with a glass of Chardonnay before surfing with some friendly locals called Drew and Toadfish.

Your stay wouldn’t be complete with a night in one of our amazing skyscraper hotels with panoramic views of the ocean. Make sure you bring your glad rags for a night out in Australia’s party capital.

What reality tells us…

Surfers Paradise is more like Shagaluf than a waveriding nirvana. Think shopping malls, shitty nightclubs, kebab shops, tourist tat and, most importantly no (self-respecting) surfers.

Whatever you do, don’t head down there on Schoolies week. This is when hundreds of kids descend on the waterfront to drink their body weight in cheap white wine and throw up in pint glasses. Which brings us nicely onto…

Newquay, UK

What the brochure says…

Newquay, the home of British surfing and a fantastic place for a family holiday. It was once voted “the nation’s favourite seaside town”. It’s open all year round and is easily accessible by road, train and *ahem* teleportation. 

Make sure you head down to Fistral Beach to try your hand at surfing some of Cornwall’s finest waves. Trust us, Newquay is the jewel in Cornwall’s crown.

What reality tells us…

Photo: The Sun

Newquay is one of the shittest towns in the UK. If you’re looking for streets awash with grimy chip shops, blaring arcades and the worst clubs known to man, this is the place to go.

Saturday nights take a turn for the worst when stag dos from around the country pitch up at Newquay station, armed with Borat mankinis and 24-packs of Special Brew, and proceed to paint the town red with their multi-coloured vomit.

Don’t be surprised to find newspaper stands with headlines like: “Drunk woman caught having sex in car park tries to wear hamburger as shoe”.

Kuta Beach, Bali

What the brochure says…

It’s like Eat, Pray, Love but better. Escape the world by retreating to the idyllic Indonesian island of Bali.

Imagine waking up in your luxurious private beach house, surrounded by palm trees, with 4ft glassy azure peelers breaking just metres from your front door.

We can even guarantee hot Brazilians and cold cocktails.

What reality tells us…

This is what a typical Balinese beach looks like. No jokes. The pollution and waste problem has got totally out of hand. So don’t picture a perfect golden sand paradise.

In the towns, you’ll be plagued with touts trying to flog you cheap hotel rooms or chased down the road by people offering moped rides.

Bali has become equivalent of Shagaluf for the Aussies. Think loud-mouthed bogans starting fights in bars and pissing in the street.

In fact, so many Australians have died in the Bali over the past year (48, to be precise) that they are being asked to avoid visiting the Indonesian island altogether.

Oh yeah, and watch out for the rabid monkeys.

Malibu, California, USA

Tucked off the famous Pacific Highway is the one and only Malibu Beach, California.

Home to the rich and famous, it boasts a 21-mile long sandy beach with perfect rolling beach break.

Baywatch, Gidget and the Rockford Files were all filmed here – and you can see why. It’s a vision of perfection and all within reaching distance of the cosmpolitan Los Angeles.

Did we mention that our governor used to be the Terminator?

What reality tells us…

Did you know that Southern California is really just one big traffic jam? And the water there is actually cold, so forget about surfing in your boardies or bikini.

The coastal waters in Southern California are so polluted that people are advised to not go surfing for 72 hours after it’s rained.

When the surf is going off (and it’s not been poisoned by toxic rainwater), it’s going to be the most crowded place you’ve ever surfed in your life. Prepare to be dropped in on about a thousand times.

Plus lot of Malibu beach is closed to the public. Why? Because it’s reserved for the super-bajallionaire celebrity homeowners, including Cher, Jim Carey, Steven Spielberg and Ozzy Osbourne who don’t want teenage girls and paps invading their naked sunbathing time.

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