Yogi Oki-Doki Yoga Farm For Kids

IN WHAT WAY IS IT DERANGED?

Thought the Bogeyman was scary? Meet the Yogiman. Children’s fitness teacher/creepy blowdried contortionist Yogi Oki-Doki lives on a farm with a Jamaican Rasta Rooster and a "moo cow" named How Now. These unsettling animals help Yogi Oki-Doki teach some scarred-for-life kids his patented brand of "ee-aye-ee-aye-yoga".

PEAK OF THE FREAKINESS

It's a toss-up between the 'scratching chicken' pose at 1:17 – one more bend and Yogi Oki-Doki’s head would disappear where the Sun don’t shine; the vegetable-themed song at 2:06; or the kid at 0:51 who looks like he opted out of the vegetables and chose to ingest a fistful of magic mushrooms instead.

TYPICAL YOUTUBE COMMENT

"That rooster has seen some shit..."

Pizzaguy121

IS IT A WORKOUT YOU’D ACTUALLY DO?

Not unless you wanted to feel like a total cock-a-doodle-doo.

IN WHAT WAY IS IT DERANGED?

Sporting glamorous jewellery and the Arabian Nights of all cameltoes, shrink-wrapped in white leggings, Florida-based unicorn/glam gran hybrid Joanna Rohrback brings us Prancercise: "A springy, rhythmic way of moving forward, similar to a horse's gait and ideally induced by elation." Or hallucination.

PEAK OF THE FREAKINESS

2:24, when Joanna “Really cuts the noose and lets it loose with the Prancercise gallop", and then proceeds to act like the human embodiment of what happens in a cat’s throat when it coughs up a hairball.

TYPICAL YOUTUBE COMMENT

"Is that a gazelle? So much grace!"

bullanguero82

IS IT A WORKOUT YOU’D ACTUALLY DO?

Nope. But props to Joanna, who gives the absolute square root of zero fucks, because prancing works for her. “I don’t worry what people might think," she says. “Let them laugh. Who would pay attention to a boring, average, everyday video, anyway?" You go, lady. No-one puts Baby in the unicorner.

IN WHAT WAY IS IT DERANGED?

This breathing technique – taken from a fitness video ironically advertised as being “a sane way to a sensational body" – looks more like ‘exorcising’ than ‘exercising’. Southern belle Dixie Carter instructs us to stretch out our tongues, roll our eyes back into our skulls a la Linda Blair, and let out a noise that explains why that painted dog in the background looks so forlorn.

PEAK OF THE FREAKINESS

1:41, when Dixie begins to sound like an electric toothbrush. Or a female pleasure device.

TYPICAL YOUTUBE COMMENT

"How... did I get... here...?"

KitDeClaire

IS IT A WORKOUT YOU’D ACTUALLY DO?

Nah – although the Unworkout VHS tapes do receive a large number of five-star reviews on Amazon from older folks. Seems Dixie was an inspirational Mrs Carter long before Beyoncé hit the scene.

IN WHAT WAY IS IT DERANGED?

This nightmare-fuel video was inexplicably produced by Panasonic for the 2004 Olympic Games. A parody of an earlier vid by '90s weight-loss legend Susan Powter, it features poodles performing an aerobics class, lead by model Takahashi, who wears a bodysuit designed to make her resemble a buff mutt, because WTF.

PEAK OF THE FREAKINESS

1:27, when the dog on the left-hand side can’t keep up with the moves. THEY’RE JUST LIKE US! Also: the poodle with a groin-bulge to rival David Bowie’s Labyrinth schlong, at 2:47.

TYPICAL YOUTUBE COMMENT

"WHY did I click on this? I'm gonna have a nightmare now"

Ninjabro

IS IT A WORKOUT YOU’D ACTUALLY DO?

If it were possible, yes – it’d be great for burning off puppy fat *cymbal crash*.

IN WHAT WAY IS IT DERANGED?

Dr Kataria advocates laughing as a form of cardio-vascular exercise and a means of reducing stress. He's broken the giggles into various highly scientific categories, including "Visa-bill laughter" (wherein you presumably laugh because if you didn’t, you’d cry) and "swinging laughter" (which involves movements similar to The Hokey Cokey, and is not the victorious guffaw a randy man emits at a wife-swapping party).

PEAK OF THE FREAKINESS

The "milkshake laughter" at 1:36 – guaranteed to drive all the boys as far away from the yard as they can get – and the "ants-in-your-pants laughter" at 8:45.

TYPICAL YOUTUBE COMMENT

"  o_o

Well... that's enough internet for today.."

Leslie Ake

IS IT A WORKOUT YOU’D ACTUALLY DO?

Well if the video makes you laugh, you sort of already are doing the workout, so... Well played, Dr Kataria. Well played indeed.

IN WHAT WAY IS IT DERANGED?

This oh-so-'90s VHS tape opens with a scene-setting 'skit', reminiscent of the beginning of a porn film where the actors pretend there’s actually a genuine storyline to be followed beyond them banging on a wipe-clean pleather couch.

Marky’s matey – who looks like the older brother of Saved By The Bell’s A.C. Slater, and appears to be fitted with a Speed-style explosive device that will blow him to smithereens if his use of the term “cuz" drops below one utterance per second – awakens his slumbering pal with promises that “Neil" (Buchanan?  Diamond? Kinnock?) is cooking up some “fuckin’ pancakes".

Presumably post-pancakes, an oiled-up Marky takes us through a variety of at-home exercises, assisted by a bevvy of “fly honeys" whose bums and bosoms he openly ogles. Often while shouting “POW!" Oh, and the whole thing is so heavily sponsored by adidas that they probably insisted that Wahlberg squeeze his turds out in three-stripe formations during filming breaks.

PEAK OF THE FREAKINESS

Difficult to choose between 0:30, when a pair of enchanted jogging bottoms magically appear from nowhere on Marky’s bed; the cringingly sexual pine-chair affair at 2:23, laden with heavy breathing; or the bit at 4:06 when the lady on the far right appears to slyly vomit over the side of Marky’s Jacuzzi.

TYPICAL YOUTUBE COMMENT

"I watch this every day before church."

CosmicRewind

IS IT A WORKOUT YOU’D ACTUALLY DO?

D'you know what? Yes. Get past the POW!s, the posturing and the perving, and Marky Mark’s program offers solid moves, with some nice advice about recognising that not everyone’s built the same way, and making the best of the bod you’ve been given. Plus, have you seen this guy in a pair of Calvins back in the day? We're in-Klein-ed to think his workouts work.

IN WHAT WAY IS IT DERANGED?

With an odder combo of ingredients than a pregnant woman’s craving-satiating sarnie, Japan's Zuiikin’ English TV series combined gymnastic exercises with lessons in conversational English. The theory is that associating words with actions will help you learn a language faster and remember phrases better, while also becoming fitter.

The episode below deals with what to say if you’re attacked by a pair of muggers, one of whom has his face-mask on backwards. We've no idea either.

PEAK OF THE FREAKINESS

If you have even a hint of OCD, you’ll find it completely crackers that at 0:30 THEY DIDN’T PUT THE GIRL IN THE GREEN OUTFIT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE TWO GIRLS WEARING PURPLE OUTFITS ARRGHHH

TYPICAL YOUTUBE COMMENT

"This is definitely useful if you're Japanese and planning a holiday in Croydon."

charliecharlieve

IS IT A WORKOUT YOU’D ACTUALLY DO?

A self-defence course combined with a Rosetta Stone MP3 might be more effective.

IN WHAT WAY IS IT DERANGED?

Russian yoga instructor Lena Fokina believes that twirling babies around by their wrists and ankles is good for their physical and intellectual development. Seems like someone may have dropped her on the head as a child.

PEAK OF THE FREAKINESS

The whole. Damn. Thing.

TYPICAL YOUTUBE COMMENT

"This is great! I used to do this to my baby but I dropped it and it died."

stripes1483

IS IT A WORKOUT YOU’D ACTUALLY DO?

Do you really even need this answering? Once, twice, thrice no – with a spare no and a side-order of nooo. This week's Bonus Ball number is NO.