“I was in England again a few weeks ago, mostly in small towns, but here’s some of what I learned:

• Almost everyone is very polite
• The food is generally outstanding
• There are no guns
• There are too many narrow stairs
• Everything is just a little bit different
• The pubs close too early

• All the signs are well designed with beautiful typography and written in full sentences with proper grammar.
• There’s no dress code
• Doors close by themselves, but they don’t always open
• They eat with their forks upside down
• The English are as crazy about their gardens as Americans are about cars
• They don’t seem to use facecloths or napkins or maybe they’re just neater then [sic] we are

• The wall outlets all have switches, some don’t do anything
• There are hardly any cops or police cars
• 5,000 year ago, someone arranged a lot of rocks all over, but no one is sure why
• When you do see police they seem to be in male & female pairs and often smiling
• Black people are just people: they didn’t quite do slavery here
• Everything comes with chips, which are French fries. You put vinegar on them

• Cookies are “biscuits” and potato chips are “crisps”
• HP sauce is better then catsup
• Obama is considered a hero, Bush is considered an idiot.
• After fish and chips, curry is the most popular food
• The water controls in showers need detailed instructions
• They can boil anything

• Folks don’t always lock their bikes
• It’s not unusual to see people dressed different and speaking different languages
• Your electronic devices will work fine with just a plug adapter
• Nearly everyone is better educated then we are
• If someone buys you a drink you must do the same
• There are no guns

• Walking is the national pastime
• Their TV looks and sounds much better then ours
• They took the street signs down during WWII, but haven’t put them all back up yet
• Everyone enjoys a good joke
• There are no guns
• Dogs are very well behaved and welcome everywhere

• There are no window screens
• You can get on a bus and end up in Paris
• Everyone knows more about our history then we do
• Radio is still a big deal. The BBC is quite good
• The newspapers can be awful
• Everything costs the same but our money is worth less so you have to add 50% to the price to figure what you’re paying

• Beer comes in large, completely filled, actual pint glasses and the closer the brewery the better the beer
• Butter and eggs aren’t refrigerated
• The beer isn’t warm, each style is served at the proper temperature
• Cider (alcoholic) is quite good.
• Excess cider consumption can be very painful.
• The universal greeting is “Cheers” (pronounced “cheeahz” unless you are from Cornwall, then it’s “chairz”)

• The money is easy to understand: 1-2-5-10-20-50 pence, then-£1-£2-£5-£10, etc bills. There are no quarters.
• Their cash makes ours look like Monopoly money
• Cars don’t have bumper stickers
• Many doorknobs, buildings and tools are older than America
• By law, there are no crappy, old cars
• When the sign says something was built in 456, they didn’t lose the “1”

• Cake is is pudding, ice cream is pudding, anything served for desert is pudding, even pudding
• BBC 4 is NPR
• Everything closes by 1800 (6pm)
• Very few people smoke, those who do often roll their own
• You’re defined by your accent
• No one in Cornwall knows what the hell a Cornish Game Hen is

• Soccer is a religion, religion is a sport
• Europeans dress better then the British, we dress worse
• The trains work: a three minute delay is regrettable
• Drinks don’t come with ice
• There are far fewer fat English people
• There are a lot of healthy old folks around participating in life instead of hiding at home watching TV

• If you’re over 60, you get free tv and bus and rail passes.
• They don’t use Bose anything anywhere
• Displaying your political or religious affiliation is considered very bad taste
• Every pub has a pet drunk
• Their healthcare works, but they still bitch about it
• Cake is one of the major food groups

• Their coffee is mediocre but their tea is wonderful
• There are still no guns
• Towel warmers!
• Cheers

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