The call starts off surreal. Even laughable, it’s so ridiculous. Then by the end of the four-minute call it’s nothing other than pretty damn disturbing.

The woman said she had rescued the boa constrictor from some sort of danger outside and brought it in to the 10 other snakes that were already kicking about in her house – yup, the woman already had 10 snakes, this story moves quickly – all of which she had also presumably ‘rescued’ but none of which had, up until the time of said phone call, decided to cause any similar sort of face-biting aggro.

The woman told the 911 dispatcher to come quickly, because as we’ve previously touched upon, there was a boa constrictor stuck to her face.

And there was blood everywhere as well. That was a thing. Blood. Everywhere. All over your mum’s new driveway. Blood. Not good.

So, Questions

What did you rescue the boa constrictor from?

Boa constrictors are generally between 6.5 and 9.8 feet long and can weigh more than 100 lbs (45 kilograms). They’re massive. So big. They’re bigger than literally everyone I know. Except maybe one guy. I don’t know exactly how big he is, but he’s really big. Not quite 9.8ft though.

ANYWAY. He’d still probably know fine well not to fuck with a boa constrictor.

The boa constrictor in question was a small boa constrictor, at five and a half foot long, but five and a half foot long is still pretty damn big. And it’s safe to say that boa constrictors have a bit of a bad reputation – what with them killing their prey by squeezing them to death, a form of death which is not high on my list of ‘best ways to get killed by a snake’.

Anyway, I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t know much about the geography of and/or natural in Ohio, but I’m fairly sure that boa constrictors aren’t locals around there.

So when the woman on the phone says she “rescued” the snakes, what did she rescue them from? A shop? A family home? Or were they just wandering along the road and she thought “I’ll have me some of them”. If so, she maybe saved them from getting hit by a car, but then why didn’t she call them in?

And also, isn’t it slightly odd that two gallivanting boa constrictors would just happen to cross the road in front of a woman who, let’s not forget, HAS ANOTHER 11 SNAKES BACK HOME. Quite the coincidence, really.

This is a question that leads to another question. A two-fold question, if you will. Actually a two-and-a-half-fold question:

Pt.1: Did you really only have ‘rescue’ the boa constrictors the day before one got stuck to your face?

Pt.1.5: Or had you had them for ages, and were planning to keep them forever and always? This seems likely.

Pt.2: AND WHY DO YOU HAVE 11 SNAKES IN YOUR HOUSE IN THE FIRST PLACE?

We couldn’t quite make out what species you say the other snakes are in the 911 call, but they’re not boa constrictors. Where do you keep all these snakes? Are they legal? Why do you love snake so much? Are you a scientist? Are you in slytherin? Are you the bad guy from a monster-of-the-week style Smallville episode? Are you just a bit lonely? Do you have dinner with the snakes? Do you watch Pointless with the snakes? Do they have Pointless in Ohio? I hope they do. It’s a great show.

How did the boa constrictor get to the point where it was able to get stuck to your face?

Did it creep up? They move pretty slowly. You must have known this was happening and let it go for quite a while. This is weird. This is a weird thing to do. This is a weird thing to happen.

How hard is it to make a phone call with a boa constrictor stuck to your face?

There are some places where it’s hard to make a phone call even without a boa constrictor stuck to your face.

Like while you’re in bed, sometimes it’s a little awkward, or when you’re holding things with your other two hands and you have to try and balance the phone between your ear and your shoulder while speaking into it, and you can only kind of hear what the person on the other end of the line is actually saying. That’s quite difficult too. And if you’re cycling it’s awkward. If you’re brushing your teeth it’s nearly impossible.

So on a scale of ‘both-hands-free’ to ‘brushing your teeth’, how hard is it to make a phone call with a boa constrictor stuck to your face?

It was around your waist and, crucially, on your face, which means it was blocking your mouth a little bit, more likely than not. Did you have to do the shoulder-ear thing? Did you balance the phone on the snake? That’s scary and I don’t want to talk about it anymore.

Did you think the dispatcher from the 911 call was taking the aaaaabsolute piss out of you when she asked if you had arrested the Boa Constrictor the day before?

Because it kind of sounds like it. And in her defence, we don’t imagine she gets a boa constrictor stuck to someone’s face on every shift.

How did you manage to keep your cool so well on the phone?

We would have been yelling. YELLING. I’VE GOT A BOA CONSTRICTOR ON MY FACE IT’S THAT SIMPLE PLEASE JUST GET HELP. But even when the dispatcher asked you if you “arrested” the snake the day before, effectively a question sent out to test whether or not you were legitimately insane, you kept your cool.

Have you had a boa constrictor on your face before? Do you just like snakes that much? Do you not know that this is how boa constrictors kill people? IT’S TERRIFYING. Are you just hard as nails?

What happened next?

Are you okay? Are you going to get charged? Do you deserve charged? We have no idea. We’re so confused about this entire incident.

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