The Pearl island boa constrictor. Photo: Getty

Pearl island boa (Boa constrictor sabogae)

A 45-year-old woman in Ohio called 911 in a bit of a panic over the weekend as a five-and-a-half foot boa constrictor she had just ‘rescued’ was biting her face, and from the sounds of it, hoping to get around to the rest of her too.

This is a thing that's now trending on a range of social media sites. Obviously. It's a 45-year-old woman in Ohio calling 911 with a boa constrictor stuck to her face. And they've released the 911 call onto the internet. How? Why? Who knows. All we know is, we now have the audio file from a 45-year-old woman in Ohio calling 911 with a boa constrictor stuck to her face.

And it's one for the history books.

Warning: This may be distressing to some listeners

ALL OF THIS IS MENTAL.

TAKE A SECOND TO THINK ABOUT HOW MENTAL THIS IS. SO MENTAL.

SHE HAS A BOA CONSTRICTOR STUCK TO HER FACE.

WHAT? HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?

The call starts off surreal. Even laughable, it’s so ridiculous. Then by the end of the four-minute call it’s nothing other than pretty damn disturbing.

The woman said she had rescued the boa constrictor from some sort of danger outside and brought it in to the 10 other snakes that were already kicking about in her house - yup, the woman already had 10 snakes, this story moves quickly - all of which she had also presumably ‘rescued’ but none of which had, up until the time of said phone call, decided to cause any similar sort of face-biting aggro.

The woman told the 911 dispatcher to come quickly, because as we’ve previously touched upon, there was a boa constrictor stuck to her face.

And there was blood everywhere as well. That was a thing. Blood. Everywhere. All over your mum’s new driveway. Blood. Not good.

And what do you do when you have a boa constrictor stuck to your face, and there’s blood on your mum’s new driveway? You call 911 and tell them to come quickly. Good work anonymous snake charmer. Good work. Quick thinking. Good way to get a boa constrictor off your face, calling 911. Good way to get a boa constrictor off your face. Maybe the best.

A boa captures a deer Photo: Getty

But we have some other questions for you.

See eventually, the fire brigade did come along and get the boa constrictor off this woman's face. But the snake wouldn’t come off of his/her own accord, so they had to cut the boa constrictor’s head off - WAIT? WHAT? - which obviously isn’t ideal.

So, yeah. Questions. We’ve got ‘um. Here they are. Coming at you like a boa constrictor at your face.

But first, let’s revisit the transcript from the 911 call of the woman with a boa constrictor stuck to her face. Take a second to breath in exactly just how insane this all is. Remember, the entire time she is talking here, she has a boa constrictor stuck to her face:

Woman with boa constrictor stuck to her face: “Oh please. I have a boa constrictor stuck to my… my face!"

Dispatcher: “Ma’am you have a what?"

Woman with boa constrictor stuck to her face: “BOA CONSTRICTOR. I’m outside with it."

Dispatcher: "You're outside with a boa constrictor stuck to your face?"

Woman with boa constrictor stuck to her face: “Yes"

Dispatcher: “Okay"

Woman with boa constrictor stuck to her face: “I just rescued it yesterday. Please."

Dispatcher: “You arrested the boa constrictor yesterday?" [Ed. note - hilarious]

Woman with boa constrictor stuck to her face: “I rescued it."

Dispatcher: “You rescued it? Oh. Okay. I’ve notified the ambulance."

Woman with boa constrictor stuck to her face: “Please hurry! It’s got a hold of my nose."

Dispatcher: “Ma’am I’ve notified the ambulance and the fire and police department."

Dispatcher: “So the boa constrictor has a hold of your nose?"

Woman with boa constrictor stuck to her face: “Yes."

Dispatcher: “How big of a snake are we talking?"

Woman with boa constrictor stuck to her face: “Five and a half foot"

Dispatcher: “And you rescued it yesterday."

Woman with boa constrictor stuck to her face: “Yes, two."

Dispatcher: “How many snakes do you have?"

Woman with boa constrictor stuck to her face: “11"

Dispatcher: “You have 11 snakes?!"

Dispatcher: “Can you pry it’s jaw open?"

Woman with boa constrictor stuck to her face: “No. I’m trying. There’s blood everywhere."

So, Questions

What did you rescue the boa constrictor from?

Boa constrictors are generally between 6.5 and 9.8 feet long and can weigh more than 100 lbs (45 kilograms). They’re massive. So big. They’re bigger than literally everyone I know. Except maybe one guy. I don’t know exactly how big he is, but he’s really big. Not quite 9.8ft though.

ANYWAY. He’d still probably know fine well not to fuck with a boa constrictor.

Photo: Getty

The boa constrictor in question was a small boa constrictor, at five and a half foot long, but five and a half foot long is still pretty damn big. And it’s safe to say that boa constrictors have a bit of a bad reputation - what with them killing their prey by squeezing them to death, a form of death which is not high on my list of 'best ways to get killed by a snake'.

Anyway, I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t know much about the geography of and/or natural in Ohio, but I’m fairly sure that boa constrictors aren’t locals around there.

So when the woman on the phone says she “rescued" the snakes, what did she rescue them from? A shop? A family home? Or were they just wandering along the road and she thought “I’ll have me some of them". If so, she maybe saved them from getting hit by a car, but then why didn’t she call them in?

And also, isn’t it slightly odd that two gallivanting boa constrictors would just happen to cross the road in front of a woman who, let’s not forget, HAS ANOTHER 11 SNAKES BACK HOME. Quite the coincidence, really.

This is a question that leads to another question. A two-fold question, if you will. Actually a two-and-a-half-fold question:

Pt.1: Did you really only have ‘rescue’ the boa constrictors the day before one got stuck to your face?

Pt.1.5: Or had you had them for ages, and were planning to keep them forever and always? This seems likely.

Pt.2: AND WHY DO YOU HAVE 11 SNAKES IN YOUR HOUSE IN THE FIRST PLACE?

We couldn’t quite make out what species you say the other snakes are in the 911 call, but they’re not boa constrictors. Where do you keep all these snakes? Are they legal? Why do you love snake so much? Are you a scientist? Are you in slytherin? Are you the bad guy from a monster-of-the-week style Smallville episode? Are you just a bit lonely? Do you have dinner with the snakes? Do you watch Pointless with the snakes? Do they have Pointless in Ohio? I hope they do. It's a great show.

Photo: Getty

How did the boa constrictor get to the point where it was able to get stuck to your face?

Did it creep up? They move pretty slowly. You must have known this was happening and let it go for quite a while. This is weird. This is a weird thing to do. This is a weird thing to happen.

How hard is it to make a phone call with a boa constrictor stuck to your face?

There are some places where it’s hard to make a phone call even without a boa constrictor stuck to your face.

Like while you're in bed, sometimes it’s a little awkward, or when you’re holding things with your other two hands and you have to try and balance the phone between your ear and your shoulder while speaking into it, and you can only kind of hear what the person on the other end of the line is actually saying. That’s quite difficult too. And if you’re cycling it’s awkward. If you’re brushing your teeth it’s nearly impossible.

So on a scale of ‘both-hands-free’ to ‘brushing your teeth’, how hard is it to make a phone call with a boa constrictor stuck to your face?

It was around your waist and, crucially, on your face, which means it was blocking your mouth a little bit, more likely than not. Did you have to do the shoulder-ear thing? Did you balance the phone on the snake? That’s scary and I don’t want to talk about it anymore.

Did you think the dispatcher from the 911 call was taking the aaaaabsolute piss out of you when she asked if you had arrested the Boa Constrictor the day before?

Because it kind of sounds like it. And in her defence, we don’t imagine she gets a boa constrictor stuck to someone’s face on every shift.

How did you manage to keep your cool so well on the phone?

We would have been yelling. YELLING. I’VE GOT A BOA CONSTRICTOR ON MY FACE IT’S THAT SIMPLE PLEASE JUST GET HELP. But even when the dispatcher asked you if you “arrested" the snake the day before, effectively a question sent out to test whether or not you were legitimately insane, you kept your cool.

Have you had a boa constrictor on your face before? Do you just like snakes that much? Do you not know that this is how boa constrictors kill people? IT’S TERRIFYING. Are you just hard as nails?

What happened next?

Are you okay? Are you going to get charged? Do you deserve charged? We have no idea. We’re so confused about this entire incident.

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