Fitness-related foodstuffs are everywhere these days. Look, there’s a protein drink, sat next to the Frijj shakes in Tesco Metro. Hey, there’s a six-pack of energy gels, sat on your boss’s desk. And yikes, there’s an energy bar, peeping out of Aunt Debbie’s handbag.
Fitness foodstuffs are everywhere these days – but are they in any way enjoyable to consume?
But are all these products in any way enjoyable to consume? (And do they even do anything anyway?) It’s hard to be objective about that Super Max Power Ripped Pro Hardcase flapjack when you’re trying to convince yourself that it’s going to buff you right up, if you can just… bring yourself… to finish it… *blurp*
So, we decided to test a range of fitness-supplement and sports-aid foodstuffs out on someone who’d be 100% honest about them: a five-year-old girl.
Look, it’s fine, she only had a titchy bit of each one. Yes, she wouldn’t stop running around afterwards… But’s she’s totally fine now. It’s fiiine.
Powerade Berry & Tropical
THEY SAY: “Developed with sports scientists, Powerade replenishes the energy and fluids that your body loses during exercise – and it tastes great!”
So how does it taste? “Nice! I really love it! Taste like pancakes, when you get fruit on them. It’s about as nice as… a banana. Can I drink all of it?”
God no. Do you feel more energised? [Runs off around garden for 20 seconds] “I’ve got loads of energy now! Like a running dog. Or a bag, a bag running round in the wind.” [Does three rapid circuits of garden.] “Starting to get a bit tired now.”
How many marks would you give it out of five? “Four. Four. Five! Four.”
Jelly Belly Sport Beans Fruit Punch
THEY SAY: “A mix of three berry flavors with a light profile that keeps you refreshed as you stay fuelled during your workout.”
How does it taste? “Tasty! Pineapple. It’s pineapple flavour.”
Says here it’s berry flavour, with a “light profile”. “No it’s pineapple flavour. That packet is wrong. It might be tropical grape maybe. But it’s not berry. That’s wrong.”
Do you feel energised from having eaten one? “I can run as fast as a tiger now.”
For how long? “Nine minutes. Maybe even 12 minutes?”
Mark out of five? “Nine! Because of the nine minutes.”
CNP Cherry & Almond Pro Flapjack
THEY SAY: “Pro Flapjack bars have been specifically designed for the health conscious individual and are a delicious way of providing quality protein (micellar casein, collagen, whey protein concentrate) and complex carbohydrates (oats).”
Nice? “Umm…” [Considers question for a while.] “No. It’s a like a bad cake. I would eat it though.”
Marks out of five? “Two. No, three.”
It’s full of protein. Do you feel stronger? “I do feel stronger! I could lift the slide up now.”
Go on, then.
MaxiNutrition Strawberry Recover Milkshake
THEY SAY: “Supports muscle growth and recovery. High in glutamine and leucine. Contains the Maxipro protein blend.”
Don’t drink it all! You like that one, then? “Yes. That is the best, best one. It’s a milkshake! In a bottle, though.”
Could you taste the glutamine and leucine? “No?! It’s strawberries flavour…”
How do your muscles feel now? “Really loads loads loads loads loads bigger.” [Flexes arms.]
Marks out of five? “Ten. Hundred. Ten hundred.”
Feel like we’ve maybe lost control of the marking system.
Grenade Reload Flapjack Chocolate Browning
THEY SAY: “These great-tasting, oven-baked flapjacks support your physique goals with over 22% protein in each bar. No fillers, refined sugars or useless ingredients.”
How’s that taste? “It tastes like real chocolate! I would eat this every day.”
It says it’s chocolate browning flavour. “Brownie? They mean brownie? What’s browning?”
You tell me. Marks out of five? “One hundred. I want to eat this every day. It’s all I want to eat from now on, ever.”
That’s probably not a good idea.
Lucozade Sport Brazilian Guava
THEY SAY: “Specially formulated to replace the electrolytes lost during exercise.”
Does it taste like it’s from Brazil? “Tastes like pancakes. Not-that-nice pancakes though. Where’s Brazil?”
Down below America, and to the right. “Tastes like Brazil pancakes with lemons. You could run from Africa to London if you drank all this.”
Can you feel your electrolytes getting replaced? “I think… maybe. What’s electrolytes?”
Not entirely sure to be honest. Marks out of five? “Two. Bleh.”
SIS Orange Isotonic Energy Gel
THEY SAY: “The world’s first and only isotonic gel to be clean in the mouth and easy to digest.”
Not a fan? “Bleeeecchh!”
Oh dear. “Feels like weird oranges on your tongue, and it’s making me feel strong when it’s supposed to give me energy! Disgusting.”
Marks out of five? “One. Bllerggh.”
Energize Mango PowerBar
THEY SAY: “Energize bars are a great choice before and during sport to deliver a scientifically developed combination of different carbohydrate sources.”
Last one! How that’s, then? “Cherry and lemon ice-cream flavour! Bit chewy. Too, too chewy. Can’t stop… chew… ing… it.”
Do you feel energised? From the different carbohydrate sources? “I can’t tell if I feel strong or energy. I could probably lift the swing up though, from the bottom of it. Tip it over.”
Maybe don’t. Can you taste the mango at all? “No it’s cherries. And lemon. Not mango. I don’t really know what mango tastes like anyway though.”
Right let’s stop this now. Marks out of five? “One thousand. Plus 89.”