Mountain Biking

23 Surefire Ways To Get Punched In The Face By A Mountain Biker

Mountain bikers are a friendly lot, until you do the wrong thing...

It’s pretty difficult to get punched in the face on a mountain bike trail, by a human fist rather than a tree or a rock, anyway.

Mountain bikers tend to be pretty friendly, especially if you’re one of their own. They’ll ask you how your day has been, where you’ve been riding, chat to you about your bike and even often help you out if you’ve had a mechanical.

They like beer. They like the outdoors. They like bikes, specifically the mountain type, rather than road cycling or BMX. But they can snap, and if you’ve made them do that, there’s a pretty good chance that you deserve what you’re about to get…

1) Hit A Few Bikes With Your Car When You Arrive, Don’t Apologise


Reason you’ll get punched: Would you hit someone’s child and leave without helping?

2) Persistently Use Bike-Only Trails For Weekend Jogging… And Bring 18 Dogs With You


Reason: You’re a colossal d*ckhead.

3) Use The Trails As Your Own Personal Garbage Dump


Reason: Such a colossal d*ckhead.

4) Leave Loads of Horrific Booby Traps On And Around The Trails


Reason: Co-lo-ss-al d*-ck-he-ad.

5) Get In People’s Face About How Many KMOS You Have On Strava


Reason: Nobody. Gives. A. Shit.

6) Snake To The Front Of The Queue On A Popular Or Busy Run


Some queues are so big they can be seen from space. Photo: Laurence Crossman-Ems

Reason: Wait in turn or turn around and go home. It’s only fair.

7) Spend Your Trail Afternoon Calling Anyone With 26 Inch Wheels A “Medieval Peasant”


Reason: What is wrong with you?!

8) Ask A Woman If The Sport ‘Is Not A Little Dangerous For You?’


Photo: Laurence Crossman-Ems

Reason: She’s doing the world a favour by punching you.

9) Pick A Dude On A 29er And Ask Him If He’s Over-Compensating. Do It Everytime You See Him


Reason: If you can’t work this one out, you probably get punched quite a lot.

10) Pick One Guy And Tell Him He’s “Really Coming Along” Every Time He Reaches The End Of A Trail


Reason: You’re that condescending guy that everyone hates.

11) Shout “Downhill Is Dead Bro” Every Time You See Someone On A Downhill Bike


Reason: Lies!

12) Refuse To Let A Horse Past And Try To Ride Narrowly In Front Of It Instead


Reason: Well you won’t get punched in the face by a mountain biker for this one, but you might get booted in the face by a horse.

13) Spend The Day Tailing Other Mountain Bikers Down Trails, Less Than A Metre Behind Them At All Times


Reason: You are quite literally the worst person we know.

14) Point And Laugh At Someone After They’ve Had A Tumble


Reason: Sympathy dude. Sympathy. It’ll be you down there before you know it.

15) Laugh at Beginners, And Deliberately Try and Overtake Them Every Time You See Them


Reason: You are an awful person. It’ll probably be a different, humane mountain biker that punches you in this instance, rather than the poor beginner themselves.

16) Overtake Other Riders Whenever You Fancy, Sacrificing Their Safety And Stability For A Couple Of Seconds Gain


Reason: You’re that guy. Nobody wants to be that guy.

17) Stay At The Bottom Of The Trail After You’ve Finished, Have A Drink And Watch Back Your GoPro Footage


Reason: You may not get punched, but you’ll probably get a mountain bike to your back and a subsequent face plant.

18) Chuck Someone’s Helmet As Far As You Possibly Can


Reason: You know why, you Machiavellian bastard, you. Is this one a bit too farfetched?

19) Have Your Lunch In The Middle Of A Trail


Reason: There are benches for that shit! BENCHES!

20) If Asked If You’ve Got A Spare Puncture Repair Kit, Reply ‘Yes’, Then Cycle Away


Reason: Imagine you were on the other side of the conversation…

21) Splash As Many People As Possible When Power Hosing At The End Of The Day


Photo: Callum Jelley

Reason: You are a terrible, terrible person. Remind us to unfriend you on Facebook.

22) Wait Till A Group Order Their Round Of Post-Ride Beers, Flip Their Table


Reason: This is getting out of hand, even we want to punch you now…

23) Or, If You’re After The Express Route To Pain, Walk Up To A Mountain Biker And Punch Them In The Face

Reason: If you’re going to knock beers over, you may as well do this. We wouldn’t advise either though.

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