Mountain Biking

24 “F*ck Sake” Moments That Are Frustratingly Mountain-Bike Specific

Looks like the bike is coming in the shower again...

1) Constantly falling over the third bike in your bedroom because you’ve run out of storage space

2) The bike-related fury that comes with it getting far too dark far too early in winter

3) And the subsequent bumps and bruises you discover when you get back out of that dark having ridden anyway, and finally turn on the lights

4) Having to explain to your friends that you genuinely can’t afford to go for a pint because you’ve spent all your money on bike parts or accessories

5) Getting from your front door to the shower without turning your entire flat into a mud bath

6) …and therefore your flat/house never being entirely free from random specs of dirt

7) Which you only add to further as you try and fit your ride through door frames – *turns bars, wheels, shifts frame, stutters forward*

8) The frustration of being made to go for a hike, and therefore being so close to the trails but without any access to two wheels

9) Meaning that any mountain bikers who do pass you think you’re a hiker, and therefore wonder what the hell is wrong with you that you’d go hiking instead of mountain biking

“I’m one of you,” your eyes scream. “I’m one of you”. But they hear nothing.

10) When someone brings a horse down your freshly dug trail, therefore f*cking it up for roughly the next seven years

11) Waking up early on Saturday morning ready to go, only to realise you need a quick fix from the LBS and it doesn’t open till 9

12) Your GoPro footage never looking as gnarly or steep as you know/thought/mildly suspected/blindly hoped it would be

13) A misplaced log or branch destroying what had been the perfect flow on the perfect run, after you’ve just done 25 minutes of uphill

14) No hose today? Looks like the bike is coming in the shower along with me, two spades, and all my riding gear

photo: instagram / @urbantrainingtoronto

15) Having more scars on your shins than there are seconds in the day

16) Riding up to a feature you dug/sculpted the weekend before only to find it brutally mutilated

17) When you get to the trails on the perfect day and it’s roughly as busy as Time Square on NYE

18) When you stop your flow to help a rider stranded in the middle of the trail because you’re such a damn good human being… and they don’t even say “thankyou”

19) Having learned how to bunny hop with clips, knowing that you’ll now never be bothered to learn how to do it properly

20) Went riding yesterday in the rain. Shoes will now be soaked for the next three years… or i’ll have to put them in the oven

Photo: Callum Jelley

21) The temptation to try and transfer the mountain biking skill of cornering without breaks to the world of the car on your drive home

22) Having to explain in detail, numerous times, to numerous people, what part of standing around digging in the mud in the rain you actually find enjoyable

23) Headwind highlighting the fact that due to your tendency to only cycle downhill, you’re inherently unfit

24) Walking to work on a perfectly sunny, wind-free morning knowing it’s just not going to happen

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