Just when you thought rollerblading couldn’t get any shitter…
Here, in some remote corner of Germany, somebody has added a touch of equestrianism to inline skating. From the Cotton Eye Joe soundtrack to the slalom section at the end, this is wall-to-wall wank.
Will this be the next big action sport? Will Gunther von Cackenteeth be dominating the X Games at the Horse Drawn Inline event? Will Claire Balding gush with excitement as this gets added to the equestrian roster at the 2020 Olympics. No, no, and no.
Of course, this isn’t the only time horses have been roped into the world action sports:
Pony And Trap*
Ever felt like that push on your longboard is a bit too much effort? Why not get some shetland pony to pull you along instead. At risk of sounding unBritish, we can’t help but feel that if this was filmed in the UK, it’d look a lot more like something from the TV show Shameless.
*for the avoidance of any doubt, “Pony and Trap” is cockney rhyming slang for “bunch of pointless shit”.
This is… err, well. It’s a apple-holding dwarf away from being a David Lynch film. Quite why this woman has a horses head on and is rolling around on her cruiser, scattering sugar cubes about is a mystery. But, hey, lets just enjoy it and pretend we know what it’s all about. Art and shit.
‘Skijoring’ isn’t a name we’ve invented. That, we assume, was dreamt up by the same weirdos that also thought they’d combat the lack of slopes by snowboarding while being dragged behind a horse. Maybe invest in a winch?
It’s “winter fun that combines man, horse, and snowboard” they say. “Cock off” we reply.
Thought Skijoring was a one-off, confined to one nut with a horse and a field? So did we, but then we stumbled across this competitive Skijoring event.
This time they’ve ditched the snowboards in favour of skis, and it looks like an of combination of Skier Cross, The Grand National, and Deadwood, but with extra falling over. Unlike the Grand National, if a rider falls and breaks their leg, they don’t get turned into dog food within a week.
Horse Vs. Dirt Bike
Horse Vs. Dirt Bike screams the title of this video. Sounds rather exciting, doesn’t it. And then you’re punched in the face by four minutes of somebody tamely following a horse around a MTX trail on a bike. When we woke up from our boredom-enduced slumber, we couldn’t help but feel that, in reality, the horse wouldn’t stand a chance in a race.
Furthermore, a horse would really struggle to pull-off a One Footed Cliffhanger to Nohander Lander.
Extreme Horse Boarding
Ever seen a BBC Sports reporter being pulled-off by a horse? Now you have. Introducing Extreme Horse Boarding.
If you think this looks like something you fancy doing, you have a couple of options: 1) head up to the National Horse Boarding centre in Wolverhampton and have some lessons, or 2) seek urgent medial attention.
“If anything, it’s the modern version of chariot racing” claims UK champion Daniel Fowler-Prime. Yeah, we can picture Spartacus and his pals decked out in plastic body armour, being dragged around a misty farm, somewhere in the Midlands.