The Action Sports Answers to... Greek Mythology
Most myths can be justified with some simple interpretation from the action sports world
Greek mythology is packed with estranged creatures and fabled heroes known for all sorts of controversial escapades.
Whether it’s the super strength of Hercules or the weakened heel of the mighty Achilles, the history books tell of mythological wonder that could never happen in the real world… Or could it?
We’ve had another read through the history books, and it turns out that most of the ‘mythical Greek legends’ can be easily justified through action sport interpretations.
Take Hercules for example…
The Greeks Say: He's the ripped ‘immortal’ hero who beat the odds again and again. Son of Zeus and mislead by his nemesis Hera into killing his wife and kids.
We Say: This dude was clearly just on EPO, and was quite possibly a road cyclist. It’s a wonder he got through all of the Greek's Olympic drug testing.
It seems Hercules was feeling a bit of pressure to perform to a pretty high standard, what with being Zeus’ son and all. So, he took some PEDs and it ended badly. Roid rage lead to him turning violent.
The Greeks Say: This lucky chap was the god of "the grape harvest, winemaking and wine, of ritual madness and religious ecstasy". So effectively, he was just the god of party and good times.
We say: The god of wine and madness? It sounds a lot to us like Dionysus wasn't a god at all - but he may well just have been the original seasonaire and après champion.
This guy probably got his board, hit the Alps, made some glühwein and played some loud tunes. When the Greek's heard about all this, they assumed he was a god. We probably would have too.
The Greeks say: The man who rode the winged horse Pegasus on various conquests, but fell off when he tried to fly to Mount Olympus.
We say: Bellerophon invented paragliding and claimed he was riding a winged horse because it sounds cooler. Nobody in Ancient Greece noticed because they were all getting hammered with Dionysus.
The Greeks say: The hero who saved the people from sending their kids to the Cretan minotaur (some of these 'myths' are so grim) by killing the beast and founding the city of Athens. All in a days work.
We say: The Cretan minotaur owned the only sports shop in Ancient Greece - but it only sold mini scooters and inline skates. Theseus founded a skate shop, meaning the people of Athens no longer had to send their kids to the totally lame minotaur. Problem solved.
The Greeks say: A weird woman with snakes for hair and a stare that turned people to stone. Totally not cool. Debates remain over whether she was born with snake hair or received it in a curse.
We say: Medusa was a ravishingly beautiful Greek maiden, but she kept snaking the gods at the local skate park, so they gave her a wonderfully ironic - if not slightly harsh - punishment.
The Greeks say: The man charged with choosing which of the gods was most attractive and rewarded with the heart of the most beautiful woman in the world - Helen of Troy - as a consequence.
We say: Paris was the annoyingly good looking surfer shredding in Ancient Greece who you knew could steal your girlfriend if he wanted to. He was probably insane on the board as well. Dick.
The Greeks say: Described as the 'trickiest man in Greece', Odysseus was the mischievous genius who came up with the entire idea of the Trojan Horse.
We say: Odysseus was the trickiest man in Greece, but in a Harry Main kind of way rather than a Machiavellian.
He was pulling triple-whips before he could walk, and even had BMX brand Odyssey named after him in his honour – they just happened to spell his name slightly wrong.
The Greeks say: Atlanta was somewhat of a badass. Not only was she the only woman who went with Jason on the quest for the Golden Fleece, she was also the first person to pierce the Calydonian Boar - a 'fierce monster' in Greek mythology.
We say: Atlanta was a badass skater who outshone the guys at every opportunity. We assume the 'Calydonian Boar' was actually a sick new grab she invented, the details of which were lost in translation.