So surely, since the only thing that’s really changed since I was six is that I now fall more from mountain bikes than I do from trees, I would be relishing the arrival of Pokémon Go, the free new augmented-reality mobile application which uses GPS and maps to turn the world around you into that of Pokémon?

And the truth is, yes, in some ways I am excited. Walking around a city you’ve known for years and coming across an Onix just around from the local is pretty freakin’ cool. It’ll get a lot more people exploring the city as well – and when we say a lot, we mean a lot; apparently there’s already more Pokémon Go users on android than there is on Tinder or even Twitter.

But it’s also therein that exploration that my concerns lie. Now, Pokémon Go has already been hailed as a great tool for fitness and for getting people outdoors. Frankly, I think the fitness hype is somewhat bullshit. Most who do go outdoors specially because of the game probably won’t venture far enough to make an impact on their fitness and those who do journey far were probably no stranger to the outdoors to begin with.

The hopeful saving grace is that Pokémon Go does aim to generate Pokémon and ‘Pokémon Gyms’ – where you go to train and battle – in densely populated areas, i.e. the city.

But what with people being morons and all, we can’t help but feel like a fair few will make their way into the hills soon enough to check out what they can find. And with parks and churches said to be the main targets for Gyms, an influx of people into green areas around your city could be on the way.

Quite a few of the press release shots seem to be set out in the hillside and mountains as well, suggesting that there might indeed be merit to users bringing their app out to the wild. That said, those press release shots, or the one above anyway, also suggests that it’s realistic for a Poké trainer to breed a level 17 Magikarp, and who the fuck has the time for that?

Anyway, isn’t it good that more people are getting out to the hills when they’d otherwise be stuck inside, I hear you ask? No. Not if they’re going to be glued to their screens. Put down the phone and look at what’s around you and you shouldn’t need a Voltorb to keep you electrified.

The great outdoors is about embracing exactly that; about navigating the wilderness; the unknown; about tackling obstacles laid down by nature, breathing in the fresh air and embracing the outstanding views that are otherwise inaccessible. Not about getting pissed off at not being able to catch a Zapdos because you don’t have an Ultra Ball.

Adventure is the stupid smile at the start of the biggest climb that says you don’t know exactly what you’re getting into but you can’t wait to find out. It’s about the conversation along the way, the real life Pokémon that scurry past you as you go – the deer, the hares, the dead corpse of a sheep being eaten by maggots – about the dirt beneath your hiking boots and the ache in your legs as you sit down at the top of the hill and look out on the calm around you, or bring a whole new level of chaos to that calm by whizzing down it on two wheels.

We understand getting your phone out to check a map or two while you’re up there or to snap a couple of photos, but taking on the outdoors for the sole purpose of an android app is something we just can’t get on board with; it’s like the ‘Strava wanker’ who ruins your ride to boast about his, but made 50 times worse.

Phones have become commonplace at music gigs to the point where there’s no stopping them now. It’s part of the script at every concert; and subsequently the culture – the upside of which being that if you can’t afford a ticket to see Beyonce at Wembley you can probably watch the whole thing on your friend’s Snapchat.

If you climb around the city there’s a fairly decent chance a bunch of lads throwing invisible Poké balls will be breaking your fall rather than your spotter. If you ride a velodrome or a BMX track in the park nearby you’re probably going to be seeing a strange crowd staring hypnotically at their phones like a confused school of stranded Magikarp, the only thing in fiction or nonfiction currently more useless than a British politician.

There’s already been shown to be flaws in the data being used for Pokémon Go; the guy who’s home was once a church and has mistakenly been transformed into a Gym with crowds lurking outside, for example, and one user who was even directed through a forest and stumbled upon a dead body while looking for a catch.

That last one isn’t the apps fault of course, but what’s to stop the app regularly directing a bunch of folk across a regularly used cycle path or hiking trail? It seems more than likely.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the cheeky smirk of a Diglett or a Charmander as much as the next guy, but let’s hope ‘Pokémon trainers’ crowding local adventure spots don’t fire us into a hole we can’t dig ourselves out of.

If you come to the hills, the best you’re going to get is a grass Pokémon anyway. And everyone knows Bulbasaur was the shit one.

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