Apple have announced the latest piece of tech that, no doubt, people who aspire to live in Portland will lap up in their squillions: the iBike.

The iBike is designed to free cyclists up to put all their effort into getting segment records by collecting all the gadgets they need into one hipper-than-though bike. Here are the key apps that you need to know about.

iBoast

iBoast is the Apple version of Strava, built specifically for the iBike. It tracks your location on the bike, and times how long it takes you to complete a journey. So far so normal, right?

Where iBoast comes into its own though , is that if you get a faster time that somebody else that’s cycled the same route, your iBike will send a message out to everybody in your contacts, and everybody signed up to iBoast. Although you can change what it says, it’s default message is “Hey! I just got a new best time on iBoast, and I wasn’t even trying. Enjoy obscurity.”.

iMaps

As with most Apple products, the iBike comes pre-loaded with iMaps. However, this version is tailored to the demographic Apple believes will invest most heavily in its latest release.

Open iMaps on the handlebar screen, and it will display the current location, but also direct the rider to the nearest vintage clothes store. With an iBike between your legs, never again will you miss out 50per cent off sweatshirts with cats on.

iCoffee Store

iCoffee will use your location services to point you to the nearest independent coffee shop. It will also give you a run down on the roast beans they have in that day, so you can go in prepared, and not have to waste valuable seconds looking at the menu board. After all, that’s time that could be spent sitting on the pavement, looking troubled.

iFeel Superior

iFeel superior is an app that will be particularly useful on Mondays when the post-weekend blues are setting in. It searches through your contacts, and discovers what apple products are linked to each person, and lists the devices next to their name.

It will also tell you when these products were released, and break down in days, weeks, and years how long ago that was. Now your can sneer with accuracy.

In a nice touch, if anybody in your address book has a more modern piece of Apple hardware, it will simply hide that contact, until you’ve upgraded, or their product has shattered into a thousand pieces or bends.

iCarbon Footprint

iCarbon Footprint is Apple’s nod to the environment. It measures how far you have travelled on your iBike, and works out how much carbon you have saved, compared to if you’d have made the same journey via car or train.

This ego-friendly statistic is then posted on to your ello account (Apple assume all iBike owners will be far too hip for Facebook and Twitter) for everybody to read. You’re saving the planet, you hero. People need to know!

iGot There First

Using ground-breaking audio technology, iGot There First listens to the tinny sound of other peoples headphones on the train. Using 5G connectivity, the iGot There First will sent this sound to it’s cloud database, detect the song, and give you all the information about the artists they’re listening to.

This information enables you to disturb your fellow commuter and  ask “is that the new Viral Velocity mash-up you’re listening to?”. When they confirm that it is, you can point out that you liked their demos, but stopped listening to them months ago because they got all commercial when they stopped sounding like a menstruating sea lion .

And don’t worry about this pissing fellow commuters off. You already did that when you took your massive fucking iBike on to an already packed train.

iSober

Quite rightly, Apple don’t want you riding your iBike after a few too many PBRs. After all, not only is being drunk in charge of a bicycle against the law, if you’re in a drunken crash, you might not be able to buy anything from the app store for a few days. As such, the iBike comes fitted with iSober.

It’s a small, in-built breathalyser that requires you to give a breath sample before riding your bike. If iSober detect that you’ve had one-too-many craft ales, it will automatically force the breaks on, preventing you from riding away. Smart.

iBasket

Not to be confused with iWallet, iBasket is a handy addition that you can buy for you iBike. The vintage looking basket is hand crafted by blind children in a country far enough away for you not to worry about.

It  comes shipped with a first edition Penguin book, a bunch of gladioli, and an artisan ciabaata already inside it, saving you from having to go to Hoxton, Digbeth, or Didsbury to get yours. It really is the gift that keeps on giving.

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