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Road Cycling

Malicious Magpies, Stroppy Cows and Gnarly Giraffes: As If Cycling Wasn’t Dangerous Enough…

These animal attack videos are hilarious!

Giraffe smashes bike

The internet is full of animals doing needlessly adorable things. However it also contains plenty of evidence that they can be complete pillocks too.

Some of this mischief does make sense (stealing a monkey’s food is likely to earn you a slap) but despite the understandably irate primates there are normal, everyday things that just set creatures off. Take for example sitting on a bike.

“For some reason the animal kingdom hates cyclists.”

For some reason the animal kingdom hates cyclists. Maybe it’s the way bikes can move silently and catch creatures by surprise or maybe nature just hates watching grown men sweat in tight lycra. Whatever the reason, animal kind across the globe has decided to rid the world of this two-wheeled menace one bike at a time.

Don’t believe us? Then check out these crazy take downs so you can survive your next ride.

The Dog

Officially man’s best friend, our canine companions seem to have been biding their time, earning our trust so that they can strike when we least expect it.

Take this little chap in the Tour de France. He looks innocent enough sauntering across the road but his timing is perfect. He clearly has a wide selection of targets available but selects his victim with effortless precision, standing still at just the right moment and allowing gravity to do the work.

Dogs are also happy to use a more direct approach. These full frontal assaults are rendered even more effective by the presence of an irate owner which can cause infighting among humans – making us do their dirty work for them.

The Magpie

If at first glance the humble magpie does not seem to pose much of a threat to cyclists that’s because you don’t live in Australia.

As can be seen in the clip above humanity has tried to blend in, even wearing pieces of tree as a disguise but as soon as the magpie can see a recognisable human feature, in this case eyes drawn on top of the helmet, it launches a full out attack.

During the mating season these black and white bullets have the perfect excuse to dive bomb bikers

During the annual mating season these black and white bullets apparently love dive bombing and harassing local bikers, all under the pretence of protecting their nests.

This can be sustained for an area far exceeding the territory of the bird’s home tree, proving that it’s really all just about having a laugh at the cyclist’s expense.

Even friendly vegans, who clearly pose no threat to the feathered hooligans, come under attack.

The Giraffe

The giraffe is a methodical predator, working its way one at a time through groups of cyclists. Notice in this clip how the leggy menace, having already disabled one bike by stomping on its spokes (see above photo), then uses cover to sneak up on and begin wearing down its next target.

The Alligator

Reptilian foes are masters of psychology. Watch how this cold blooded genius lies in wait for his victim and takes him down without the slightest hint of physical contact.

You can sort of sympathise with the ‘gator a bit though right? As one Youtube commenter posted: “A man wearing a helmet camera taking a picture of himself was just too much ego for nature to allow…”

The Cow

Taking a leaf out of our canine companion’s book the cow is an ambush predator, waiting until a rider is fully committed before making its move.

Here we can see a classic bovine ambush. The beast lingers innocuously in the herd until the time to strike presents itself. With a quick side step this half tonne heffer easily dispatches the hapless rider.

The Antelope

When it comes to animal take downs the antelope is in a class of it’s own. Like a horned SCUD missile this mighty beast is unstoppable once it’s locked on to a target.

You will notice here that the buck has almost limitless space to either side of the rider and is already safe on the far side of the path yet still it decides to go through rather than round him.

This is one of the finest examples of animal rampage yet caught on camera and should be studied in preparation for further attacks.

We’re still unsure as to why the animal kingdom has decided to gang up on cyclists, but more alarmingly they seem to be branching out and now include motorbikes on their list of likely targets.

So next time you’re out on your bike, watch out! You have been warned…

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