1. You think nothing of chonking £100-plus on yet another pair of trainers
Yet you’ll flinch at spending half that on shoes for your best mate’s wedding.
2. Your first question in job interviews is, “Do you have showers?”
3. Under your desk at work is a no-go zone
Aged trainers, mangy towels, rucksacks stuffed with biohazard socks… Abandon hope all ye who enter here.
4. You are miffed when non-runner pals don’t get why smashing your PB by 22 seconds is a big deal
And yet they expect you to get super-excited about their pregnancy/engagement/all clear from the doctor. Cuh! Cheek.
5. You smoothly execute The Nod at passing runners without even thinking about it
It’s a momentary tilt of the head, as if acknowledging a distant relative from across the room at a funeral. No smile required (in fact, it’s kind of weird if you do).
6. You have an insane amount of dementedly upbeat music on your playlists
There’s a LOT of air-punching rock/chest-beating rap/mouth-gurning rave. It’s actually a bit mortifying when anyone noses through your phone… But these are the tools of the trade, right?
7. You know EXACTLY how far you can run on a hangover
In fact, you’re scientifically calculating it in the pub the night before, as the booze flows down your neck: “Okay, so that’s six Peroni and a ‘Bucca – sooo 5.7km tomorrow lunchtime it is, then. *Hic*”
8. Also, you’re weirdly good at converting miles to kilometres
You can’t work out what your quarter-share of a Nando’s bill is, but you do know – without Googling it – that 8.5km equals 5.28 miles.
9. You sleep like you’ve been knocked out by an over-eager anaesthetist
10. Eating two lunches is perfectly acceptable
One at 11.30am (because HANGRY), and another one at 4pm (because THE HANGER HATH RETURNED).
11. You have a deep and intuitive understanding of your poo cycle
And you can accelerate and decelerate it with the precision of a Swiss watchmaker (cheers, coffee!).
12. Even the mildest twinge sends you into a momentary doom-spiral
OMG OMG OMG YOU JUST SNAPPED YOUR ACHILLES TENDON AND YOU’RE NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO RUN FOR SIX MONTHwait it’s fine again now.
13. Conversely, you’ll happily ‘run through’ other pains that would deeply concern you if you were stationary
Stabbing pain in your chest accompanied by tingly arms? Yeah it’s probs fine, innit.
14. You can say “fartlek” without snorking like a child
15. You can spot a barky/chasey/ankle-bitey dog from 100 paces
16. Taking a post-run shower is a profoundly erotic experience
17. As is descending a hill after ascending the bastard for what felt like forever
18. While running, you consider yourself above society’s basic behavioural standards
Spitting, burping, farting, snot-rocketing, being horrifyingly sweaty in a Tesco Metro – all fair game. Politeness is for dawdling pedestrians.
19. You unfailingly scoff at depictions of running on TV
“As if she’d be running in full make-up with her hair down! Pass me the phone – I’m calling ITV to complain. This travesty Shall. Not. Stand.”
20. You know the location of every public loo in your town better than the local cottagers
21. You’re certain that one day you’ll end up doing 25 years over a ‘funny joke’ yelled by a stranger
“Here comes Mo Farah, everyone! Faster, Mo! Hahaa! Woah…. Heeeey, now. It was just a joke mate, alright? Akkkh. Stop… choking… me… can’t… breeeathe…”
22. You’ll consume whatever it takes to get the job done
Sometimes, that’s a punishingly dense protein bar that tastes like sawdust, tears and boredom. But sometimes it’s a decadent bottle of sugary sports drink, and sometimes – just sometimes – it’s a big ol’ fistful of Haribo. Whoop!