If you’re heading out to the mountains this season, you’ll no doubt stumble across a whole host of different characters and soon-to-be friends. We’ve compiled a list of 15 people you need to keep your eyes peeled for this winter.
1. Wealthy Skier Who Seems Like A Colossal Prick, But Is Actually Quite Sound
This character is quite easy to spot. They’re usually abnormally tall, decked out in an expensive red ski coat, and have a healthy bay-window of a belly that suggests they’ve not eaten less than three courses per meal for at least 10 years.
Their goggles will have a Macbook built into them, and their watch will cost more than your student loan.
They have anecdotes about somebody called Anthony from the country club, and that thing that happened when they went to South Africa to watch some rugby chaps rugbying about.
These people are easy to dislike because they’ve spent more on their skis than you’ve spent on food in a year.
But then, when you get chatting to them and you realise that, irrespective of their wealth, they’re just a bloke that likes arsing about on the snow, just like you.
The only difference is that your wealthy pal can afford a new pair of ski pants when they get a hole theirs, so be nice. Who knows, they might even get a round in.
2. Wealthy Society Kid Pretending To Be A Seasonaire
Spend enough time in a resort and you’re bound to come across a Toby de.Chinos or Isabella Rah-Rah doing a season. They’ll tell you they’re a seasonaire, and strictly speaking they are. However, their five months on the slopes are courtesy of mummy and papa.
Don’t be fooled by the fact they’re dressed in battered-looking pants and stained thermals. These outfit imperfections have been meticulously thought out in advance.
It’s no coincidence that the fromage stain on their jacket matches the strap on their goggles. These people are frauds. Rich kids playing at being poor. Jarvis Cocker would have sung Common People, if he’d have grown up in Tignes instead of Sheffield.
3. An Actual Seasonaire
Actual seasonaies are mythical beasts. The unicorn of the resort. They’re definitely there, but you’ll never see them on the slopes.
Real seasonaires (as opposed to our wealthy friends above) are too busy with their heads down toilets all day, cleaning up after Wealthy Skier has had a heavy night on fondue and Châteauneuf-du-Pape.
When they do get a day off, you still wont see them. They’ll be off finding freshies in spots that tourists like us are never privileged enough to be shown.
However, when you’re on the lift, point your nose in the air and, beyond the smell of sweat and sunblock, you may catch a whiff of vomit and cleaning products. This is the tell-tale scent of a true seasonaire enjoying their 24 hours of liberty.
4. Angry Dad
The on-slope powder keg waiting for a spark, Angry Dad is definitely somebody you need to look out for.
Once accomplished skiers who enjoyed tearing around the mountain with their friends, they’ve now grown up, produced a sprog or two, and they’ve all come to the mountains for a week.
Angry Dad takes it upon himself to teach his little cherubs how to ski, whether they like it or not. And by god, he’s protective of them. Should you come close to colliding with his kids, Angry Dad goes apoplectic, erupting in violent outburst and generally turning the air blue.
Angry Dad was once just like you, which is worth remembering before attempting to take on his patriarchal wrath.
He is only a bloke looking after his kid (albeit one blind to the fact that you only crashed into them because they were standing in the middle of the slope just after a blind turn).
5. Ski Bum
Ski Bum is similar to Actual Seasonaire, but with a lower work ethic and less commitment to any specific employer. They spend as much of the season as they can in a resort, while spending as little money as possible.
This usually means sleeping on soggy basement floors, wearing whatever they can beg, borrow or steal, and robbing your pint when you’re not looking. What they lack in personal hygiene, however, they make up for in hours on the mountain. They may stink but they’ve got stylish front sevens on lock.
Despite looking and smelling a lot like tramps (usually because they pretty much are tramps), Ski Bum will always be a hit with the opposite sex.
This is usually because they’ve learnt that they need to live on their charm if they want to eat, and they’ve got rather good at it. The dreamy bastards.