So, it’s that time again, when Apple release a new product that gets half the world’s nerds moist, and makes the other half furious.
The new iPhone 6, iPhone 6 Plus (available in both regular camber and rocker), and the weird looking Apple Watch come jam-packed with all manner of new gizmos and whatsits, both impressive and confusing in equal measure.
However, for all of their new technology, these new Apple releases are far from perfect – particularly for those of us that spend our days dreaming of freshly groomed pistes and hitting big fluffy pillows of powder.
What could Apple have included to have made the perfect iPhone for snowboarders and skiers?
Ask any iPhone owner what their phone’s Achilles heel is, and they’ll no doubt tell you that they’re so easy to smash. Well, either that or you have to opt-in to looking at porn sites. Perverts.
A slam-proof iPhone would be a bonus, certainly for those of us that don’t land bolts every time.
What do iPhones and Gremlins have in common? Loads of things. Both are shit at cross-stitch, for example. However, top of this list is that if you get either wet, all kind of bad things happen.
At the risk of getting too scientific, snow and water are kind of the same thing, so a piste-side selfie is always somewhat of a risk. A wholey waterproof iPhone would be ideal. Even just a slightly waterproof one would be a start.
Because it’s not enough to bore friends back home with pictures of your taxi to the airport. Then the airport. Then the plane. Then the view from the plane. Then …. You get the idea.
With an altimeter, you can take screen grabs to let your pals stuck in their office jobs know, to the nearest inch, how high above sea level you are.
Let’s face it, 20 per cent of the pleasure from a holiday is knowing your friends are stuck at home, looking enviously at your holiday snaps on social media.
GPS powered speedos are commonplace on smartphones now, but we’re yet to see a speed predictor.
Imagine it: point your camera at a kicker in the park, the app will judge how fast you should be going.
When you drop, it can vibrate to tell you either to point it, or check your speed. No more knuckles. Or at least there will be somebody else to blame when you do stack it.
We all dream of bright blue skies and fresh, unridden powder when we wake up in the morning.
But then you throw back the chalet blinds to reveal a sky as grey as the M6, and off-white slush littering the ground. Fuck it though, you’re still riding, right?
What you need is a filter on your phone that will automatically alter all of your shredding pics so that, no matter how bad conditions are, everyday is a bluebird.
iBeeps should be a built-in transponder that can both transmit and detect emergency signals in the event of somebody being trapped in an avalanche. Getting to the victim quickly can be the difference between life and death.
iBeeps aren’t a one trick pony though. Oh no. They would also let you find your mates among the masses enjoying the après ski in the Red Hot Saloon.
It’s also handy if you’re the kind of person that likes to keep tabs on your other-half. Stalky.
iAvalanche Prevention Balloon
The new iPhone comes in two sizes now; regular and massive. So, what are they doing with the extra few mm?
We know what they should be doing – putting your safety first and installing an avalanche balloon.
If the nerds at Apple really cared about you, they’d have included a deployable avalanche balloon that fires out when it detects the banging of an impending avalanche. May not be ideal for Dubstep night.
“It was so gnarly!” claims your mate Toby. “I dropped, like, a 40 foot cliff today. It was sick, bro!”.
Toby is a liar. You know he’s a liar. He knows he’s a liar. But how do your prove it? That’s where the iPhone should come in with the yet-to-be-inventer iSize Detector.
Point the camera at anything and using a combination of GPS and, err, wizardry, it will give you a millimetre specific measurement of anything.
This could, of course, be used to judge the size of anything else Toby decides to boast about. You know, if that’s your thing.
iAnnoying Prick On Snowblades Detector
If you haven’t been cut up by or narrowly avoided a collision with an acne-ridden teen (often French) on SnowBlades, then you have never really been snowboarding.
The world is waiting for an iPhone app that detects when one of these menaces is within 10 metres and warns you. Either a vibrating alert system, or firing out a large ring of fire around you should do the trick.
iLift Pass Signal
Fumbling around for a lift pass is a pain in the arse, usually made worse by the family of Austrian giants moaning loudly behind you. “Cohm ohn. Moof queekly!” they implore as you look for your pass.
Imaging a world where you buy a pass that goes directly to your phone, which then puts out a wifi-like signal out telling the lift that you’ve a fully paid-up punter. Fast access, no more fumbling, and the Austrian giants are a distant memory.
And if your phone dies? Well, you’re screwed. Buy a charger.
Apple are pushing the new phones ability to measure your health, including what exercise you’ve done that day, and what you’ve eaten.
Brilliant, if you’re one of those healthy people that cuts carbs and knows what a sissy squat is.
For the rest of us fooling ourselves that we’re “core”, that just sounds depressing. We need an iHealth Denial
iHealth Denial lets you drink Jäger Mega Drives and eat Chicken Cottage Über Deluxe Meals all night and be absolutely fine the next morning. Or at least one denies any of that shit ever went down the hatch. Deep fried chicken a day keeps the doctor away.
iTrick Specific Accelerometer
Accelerometers have been on smartphones for ages now. They’re the thing that let you tilt your phone and move the gubbins around on screen. But what about a trick-specific accelerometer?
One that can accurately tell whether a trick was a triple cork 1440, or just a triple rodeo. (WTF?! Just a triple rodeo?). No more debates on YouTube. You’re a screen-grab away from joining the triple cork club (or the queue in A&E)
Smart phones are conveniently hand sized, but are usually cold little blocks of mysterious technology. That’s no use during those morning hikes to first lifts.
With just a bit of tinkering, we’re sure the Apple geeks could have added a small heating system that could warm your mitts when needed.
Think about it, Apple! Who would be happy with just one warm hand? I’ve just doubled your profits. I await my cheque in the post.
An absolute must. A speech converter that lets you chat fluently with that hot Austrian on the lift, or explain to the furious Italian zillionare why you’ve just clattered into his wailing offspring.
You talk in your mother-tongue, they hear in their native language, and vice-versa. When the other party gets a bit tedious, or crazy, or casually racist, just take the phone away and go back to your mono-lingual ignorant bliss.
iFreshie Maps live-update and let you know where the freshies are and just how tight your trousers need to be for the resort you’re in.
Smartphone maps on the mountain are hit-and-miss at best, so we know we’re asking a lot here.
What we really want is a live-updating map that points us in the direction of all the local freshies.
Granted, they’d have to figure out a way of only pointing the good stuff out to you and your crew, and not the other squillion punters who’re bound to have the same technology, but we cant think of everything, can we.