Stop the protests. Call off the marches. Unboard the windows and take the children out of the bunker. Everything’s going to be alright. That’s right, just take a few seconds to breathe.
Deep breath, in through the nose… out through the mouth…
The age old problem of how to get around on snow has finally – FINALLY – been solved. Just in the nick of time, somebody has invented Sled Dogs. The two, universally unpopular pursuits of ice skating and rollerblading have been combined to create a new slope based sport of…
Well, it hasn’t really got a name yet. Snow Dogging sounds a little too much like something Former Liverpool footballer Stan Collymore would get up to while watching Tromsø play Liverpool at their peak.
Snow Shafting? Baby Footing? Piste Prancing? Sole Destroying! Yes, lets go with Sole Destroying for now.
Sole Destroying takes traditional ski boots and attaches a tiny flat plate to the bottom, much like a multi directional ski. This design, of course, gets around the age old problem of not looking like a massive bell end while on a ski holiday.
Is there any good news here? Well, yes. The Snow Bladers and Snow Skaters of this world will surely rejoice at the prospect of there being somebody even less popular in the lift pass queue.
Now, we have to admit, having to cart a board or skis around would be a bonus, but this is significantly outweighed by the fact that A) there’s a new, unpredictable, high-speed idiot to share the slopes with, and B) they just look a bit shit.
It all kind of smacks of the work of Ali G and Bruno creator Sacha Baron Cohen, we’d understand. After all, there’s the dodgy pan-European accent, and reference to outdated popular culture (guys, The Matrix is sixteen years old. You could have at least had a stab at Inception).
Alas, it appears that Sole Destroying is here, and it’s determined to stick around. Worryingly, it’s even rumoured to be part of the 2016 Air & Style Event. The summer can’t come soon enough.