THE LONGBOARDER

Longboarders are laid-back by nature. These men and women sit further out back than anyone else, catching mere ripples that by some magic turn into the longest waves you’ve seen all day. They will usually be seen dancing around on their boards, hanging ten, doing headstands, showing off to the crowds – until a big set comes through and snaps their ginormous log like a twig on the reef.

THE GIRL THAT RIPS

Women can fit into any of these categories, but there is always one female shortboarder that’s better than everyone else on the water. She will be wearing a bikini that somehow doesn’t fall off when a big wave crashes down on her. She’s got no sunburn, no friction scrapes, no chafing – just tan lines so dark they look like paint. You can spot her effortlessly paddling out back, catching more waves than anyone else and fiercely calling out dudes that try to drop in on her.

THE SUPER GROM

This little kid is about 3ft tall and he rips way harder than you. Often accompanied by an eager parent, the Super Grom has been surfing since he/she was in nappies. Living inland is a foreign concept to them, they’ve never been to a school where half of the class don’t surf. They are kinda cute but become increasingly irritating as they flout every single surf etiquette rule under the sun. They will drop in you, snake your wave, run you over with their toothpick board  – and there’s nothing you can do because they are ten years-old.

THE NAME DROPPER

The Name Dropper is also usually a man from Australia who loves to name drop. Not famous folk, just the surf spots he’s conquered. “I’ve surfed pretty much everywhere in South East Asia, mostly secret spots. You won’t have heard of them. Yeah, I’ve surfed Lacerations, it was a piece of piss. We saw twelve sharks out there last time I was surfing. Yeah man, twelve. One bit my mate’s leash off. They asked me to compete in the WCT but I had to turn them down. I couldn’t commit all that time in the water.” You will never actually see him catch a wave. He spends more time chatting about his gnarly session at Padang Padang during a lightning storm instead. He’ll then head into the bar and you’ll continue hear his loud obnoxious voice booming across the beach for the rest of the night.

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