Mpora recently had the chance to visit the United States of America. Needless to say, the travel did not go as smoothly as we’d hoped. At Detroit airport, where we hoped to catch a connecting flight to Salt Lake City, we got hauled to one side by US Immigration Officials and put in a special room. And by “special”, we mean grey and bleak.
We spent so much time waiting around, and then being interviewed, in this room that we ended up missing our plane to Utah. Sitting there, flanked on each side by a crying lady from Georgia (the country, not the state) and a flamboyantly dressed lady from Ghana, we had a lot of time to contemplate the situation we found ourselves in.
What’s the worst thing we could say, right now? What’s the worst thing we could do? What would have to happen to make this terrible situation, even more terrible than it already is?
Rather than locking up those thoughts forever, and refusing to let them see the light of day, we’ve decided to share them with you…the people of the internet. And so, without further ado, here’s 28 things you should never-ever do while going through US Immigration.
1) Wear A Crap Disguise
2) Shoot Finger Guns!
3) Say “Bum”, “Boob”, “Boom” Or Anything That Can Be Misconstrued As The Word “Bomb”
4) Offer Them A Cheeky Bribe
5) Tell Them You’re There To Bring Down The Capitalist Infrastructure They Hold So Dear
6) Wear Your Favourite Communist T-Shirt
7) Ask For A Vodka Martini, Shaken Not Stirred
8) Flip The Bird
9) Wear Novelty Sunglasses
10) Shout “Fuck The Po-Po!”
11) Say You’ve Got A Package To Declare, And Then Gesture Suggestively At Your Own Groin
12) Say Philosophical Things Like, “…One Man’s Terrorist Is Another Man’s Freedom Fighter…”
13) Openly Defecate
14) Secretly Defecate
16) Fill Out The Immigration Forms With Your Own Blood
17 Sing The Opening Line Of Foo Fighter’s ‘Best Of You’: “I’VE GOT ANOTHER CONFESSION TO MAKE, I’M YOUR FOOL…”
18) Fall To The Floor And Beg For Mercy
19) Wink Mischievously…Like An Absolute Lad
20) Blink Excessively
21) Answer Every Question With “No Comment”
22) Ask Them If You Can “Shoot Up In Here”, While Unloading A Small Container Of Black Tar Heroin From Your Rucksack
23) Remind Them That “We (The British) Used To Run Things Around Here”
24) Make A Run For It
26) Whisper “I Love You”
27) Push Over Their Coffee Cup When They Fail To Reciprocate Your Feelings Of Love
28) Expect Your Passport To Be Dealt With Quickly And Efficiently