Summer holiday season is kicking into full swing, and millions of people are heading off to bronze themselves on a beach for two weeks.
Pool sides and sandy stretches alike will be alive with a buzz of people ordering lager in broken Spanish, applying the factor 15, and pretending not to stare at the hotty two loungers away.
But this all too common scene isn’t the chaos that it looks like. It’s a game of chess. Everybody wants to ensure they get the premium spot in the sun.
But how do you ensure that you get that prime spot on the loungers, or on the beach? By making things incredibly awkward for everybody else around you, of course!
Here are 27 ways to make your follow holiday makers give you all the space you need.
1) Ask “How long does it take to walk to [insert name of local landmark]?” Vigorously refute any answer they give
2) Fake a call with your other half where you loudly claim you’re working late at the photocopier conference again. Make ‘shhh’ gestures to the person next to you
3) Ask a stranger to rate your tan. Act insulted, whatever answer they give
4) Say: “Sorry, I couldn’t hold it in any longer”
5) Pretend to be asleep. Wake up screaming as loud as you can. Keep it going for 10 seconds
6) Ask a stranger: “When is it naturist hour at this beach/pool”
7) Ask: “Do you know what really makes me mad?” before insisting they actually guess
8) Point out how the sturdy sun loungers can take the weight of both yourself and a medium size donkey at the same time
9) Comment on how quickly and efficiently the cleaning team can get faecal matter out of the pool
10) Do whatever it takes to maintain eye contact with the person next to you while counting to 70 in your head
11) Say: “You’d never know there are dead bodies buried under the beach, would you?”
12) Ask: “Were you the drunk dude that woke up on the beach naked this morning?” Insist that the culprit matches their description when they deny it
13) Move your towel to your mouth, and say into a pretend hidden radio “Yeah, we’ve got one that matches the description, sergeant. You can send them in now”
14) Ask a stranger to rub butter into your back
15) Cry when they refuse
16) Offer to exchange the use of a parasol for the exclusive use of your other half for an evening
17) Wait for a person within a group to leave their sun lounger, and immediately run in and take their spot
18) When nestled amoung the strangers, wait for the initial awkwardness to die down before singing, at high volume, poodle rock classic More Than A Feeling
19) Shout “FIST-BUMP, BRO!” at anybody you see, holding your fist out awaiting recognition.
20) Shriek “DON’T TOUCH ME!” in a terrified voice at anybody that tries to actually fist-bump with you
21) Say “I’m afraid of water, so don’t panic if you hear screaming”. Immediately start screaming
22) Say “I had a hairy back once as well” to anybody next to you. Works particularly well with people with hairless backs
23) Shout: “Pace, Tony. Watch your pace!” at anybody you see swimming
24) Ask: “Do you know the Spanish for toilet?”. Laugh uncontrollably when they answer.
25) Insist “I’ve seen him/her naked” every time somebody walks past, irrespective or gender or advancing years
26) Continually say “hotty’ until nobody is sitting by you.
27) Sing the two lines “It’s the remix to ignition, hot and fresh out the kitchen” over and over, with a two second break in between each recital