1) The Guy Who’s Only There For The Trains

Some people like trains. They like them more than life itself. These people like trains so much that their Facebook profile picture is literally a train, and they’re relationship status just says ‘It’s Complicated…With A Train’. These guys like trains so much that they’d willingly take a bullet for a train. They know about engines, and wheels, and train routes, and why wet leaves on the lines can make trains run late. These diehard train fans can put their ear to a platform and tell you exactly what model of train is rumbling down the tracks, how many people are on board, and what the driver had for breakfast.

With its super fast bullet trains, and incredibly efficient railway network, Japan is the ultimate destination for train lovers. Train enthusiasts gravitate towards this place year on year, often by themselves with nothing but a train timetable, a change of pants, and a ride-as-much-as-you-want JR Pass in their backpack. And at some point during your Japanese adventure, you will definitely bump into one of these train nerds. They’ll corner you in a hostel, in a bar, or on a train and spend hours talking up all the reasons why Japanese trains are the best in the world. You’ll try to make your excuses to leave, but you won’t be able to. You’re doomed now. Doomed forever to listen to this random bloke talk about trains.

3) The Dude Who Teaches English As A Foreign Language

In every bar, in every major Japanese metropolis, is a seriously content native English speaker who about “six months ago” (and it’s always “six months”, for some reason) decided to pack up their nine to five office routine back home to teach English as a foreign language in Japan. These people are so infuriatingly cool that you find yourself torn between hating them out of jealousy and wanting to be their mate in the hope that your own place in the social standings will be raised just by sitting near them.

These sub-zero dudes play their acoustic guitars at open mic nights, speak Japanese to a genuinely impressive level, and have a Japanese girlfriend you’re convinced is the most beautiful person you’ve ever met. You want to hate them. But you can’t. You just can’t. The only crime they’re guilty of man is living the mother-flipping dream.

4) The Guy Who Clearly Spends Way Too Much Time In The Arcades

If you find yourself in Tokyo, you need to check out one of the absolutely enormous arcades they have there. Even if you don’t like video games, you must, must, must go in one and see for yourself just how ludicrously massive they are. These things are cathedrals to flashing screens, beeping noises, and insane bouts of button bashing. They’re fun. They’re a lot of fun. But not so fun, we hasten to add, that you should consider sacrificing the outside world for four weeks and never really leaving them.

Try telling that to the traveller in the corner though and you’ll be met with a silence so cold, it’ll make you want to put on two extra layers of clothing almost immediately. This guy has come to Japan almost exclusively for the arcades. His eyeballs are red, his thumbs are swollen up like flesh-coloured balloons, his face is so pale it’s virtually transparent, and his skills on Street Fighter/Tekken/Virtua Tennis/any other game in the entire fucking universe are unsurpassable.

At one point, you’ll challenge him to a game and immediately go with that one cool move you remember from back in the day. Yes, you’ll try to lay down a “Hadouken” on his pixelated bruiser. That’ll teach him. Oh, what’s that? He’s seen it all before. He nonchalantly blocks the attack, counters swiftly, and kills your guy with one mega punch. His facial expression doesn’t change – not even once – and that, that right there, is the thing that will sting your pride the most. Ah, to heck with that guy. Get outside and see the rest of Japan.

5) The Girl Who’s Just “You Know, Really Into Japanese Cult-chah”

“Oh, yah. I’m just, you know, really into Japanese cult-chah. It’s just soooooo fascinating, don’t you think? Oh yah. Yah. I just love Asia-h sooooo mah-ch, you know. It’s literally amazing. I was in Burma-h, for about a week yah, and honestly…it changed my life. It changed my life. I’ve been on my gap yah for about 38 months now and it’s literally been amazing. Best yah of my life. Did I mention that I love Japanese cult-chah? There’s just something soooooo, you know, mythical and amazing and….mythical about the samurais, isn’t there?. Oh, yah. And the geishas, of course. The geishas are bloody amazing, aren’t they?”

“Yah. Daddy wants me to come home and start work at the firm, but I really don’t want to. I really don’t want to. I said to him in an e-mail last week, I said: ‘No, Daddy. I don’t want to come back to Surrey right now. I haven’t finished exploring Asia-h and immersing myself in Japanese cult-chah yet.’ And do you know what he did, do you know what he did, he transferred me some more money. Oh, yah. Daddy understands that Japanese cult-chah is really very important to me. He understands that my gap yah is really helping me to grow as a person. Did I mention I spent a week in Burma-h, and that it literally changed my life?”

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