3. The Marky Mark Workout (1993)
IN WHAT WAY IS IT DERANGED?
This oh-so-’90s VHS tape opens with a scene-setting ‘skit’, reminiscent of the beginning of a porn film where the actors pretend there’s actually a genuine storyline to be followed beyond them banging on a wipe-clean pleather couch.
Marky’s matey – who looks like the older brother of Saved By The Bell’s A.C. Slater, and appears to be fitted with a Speed-style explosive device that will blow him to smithereens if his use of the term “cuz” drops below one utterance per second – awakens his slumbering pal with promises that “Neil” (Buchanan? Diamond? Kinnock?) is cooking up some “fuckin’ pancakes”.
Presumably post-pancakes, an oiled-up Marky takes us through a variety of at-home exercises, assisted by a bevvy of “fly honeys” whose bums and bosoms he openly ogles. Often while shouting “POW!” Oh, and the whole thing is so heavily sponsored by adidas that they probably insisted that Wahlberg squeeze his turds out in three-stripe formations during filming breaks.
PEAK OF THE FREAKINESS
Difficult to choose between 0:30, when a pair of enchanted jogging bottoms magically appear from nowhere on Marky’s bed; the cringingly sexual pine-chair affair at 2:23, laden with heavy breathing; or the bit at 4:06 when the lady on the far right appears to slyly vomit over the side of Marky’s Jacuzzi.
TYPICAL YOUTUBE COMMENT
“I watch this every day before church.”
IS IT A WORKOUT YOU’D ACTUALLY DO?
D’you know what? Yes. Get past the POW!s, the posturing and the perving, and Marky Mark’s program offers solid moves, with some nice advice about recognising that not everyone’s built the same way, and making the best of the bod you’ve been given. Plus, have you seen this guy in a pair of Calvins back in the day? We’re in-Klein-ed to think his workouts work.