Festivals are brilliant. Limits on how much alcohol you can bring into a festival, on the other hand, are not brilliant. These suffocating and authoritarian rules suck, and can cost you a small fortune in on-site beverage purchases.
Luckily for you lot, we’re here to help you stick it to the man with these #LifeHacks for smuggling large quantities of booze past security and into the festival of your choosing. Not all heroes wear capes, guys.
1) The Bread Coffin
First things first, don’t be trying to force a big two litre bottle of Strongbow inside one of those small triangular pumpkin seed rolls you sometimes have with your tomato soup. It won’t work.
Instead, make sure you’re in the right ballpark by holding your drink against the loaf and checking that it’s comfortably within the margins of depth, length, and width. Ignore any funny looks you get in the shop by quietly reminding yourself what an absolute bloody great big genius you are.
Upon arriving home, head straight to the kitchen and get to work; taking care not to rip the packaging when removing the bread. Remember that you want to put the bread back in there afterwards. Delicacy is the name of the game here, so be gentle with your hands…like you’re delivering a human baby.
“To the untrained eye, it’s just a loaf of bread. But you, you know the truth don’t you?”
Next job, flip your bread over so you’re looking at its underbelly. Put your vodka/rum/gin/whisky (other drinks are available) on it, and cut around . Once you’ve got a shape you’re happy with cut into the loaf’s surface, turn the bread on its end and precisely slice off a thin lid for the “coffin.”
With the lid off, and put safely to one side, you can begin scooping the bread out to make room for your bottle. If you like bread, feel free to eat the bread at this point.
After scooping out the loaf’s innards, and putting them in the bin/your digestive system, it’s time to get your alcohol nestled up comfortably inside the bread and put the lid back on. Then, as gently as you can, return the booze-filled bread to its packaging and reseal the entrance.
Voila. To the untrained eye, it’s just a loaf of bread. But you, you know the truth don’t you? You devil, you rascal, you fiend. *cackles like a Bond villain, and literally never stops*